Why are men so twisted anyway?

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When I complain about not having a girlfriend, I often hear an advice "just be happy with yourself" and it never make sense. Is that person telling me to become a Buddhist monk of some sort to meditate myself into some sort of abstract notion of happiness that NEVER MAKES SENSE?! What makes even less sense is when I am told "you can't be happy with someone else unless you are happy with yourself first". Wait a second. So its like they are telling me "you can't lift 10 pounds until you learn to lift 100 pounds first". I mean, being happy with someone else is super easy, being happy with myself all by myself is super hard. So why are they telling me that before I do the easy thing I have to do hard thing first? It just doesn't make sense!

But then I had a conversation with one specific girl that have shined some light into all that. So I met that girl on a dating site and she refused to date me because I talked about my ex-s too much. And when she refused to date me she told me that "if I am not happy with myself first I would dump her after I use her" and referred to the experiences she had with other guys (apparently, she thought that the fact that I talk about ex-s is a sign that I would cheat, while I know for a fact thats not the case). But lets go to the words she used (particularly, "unhappy") and ask the following question: why would a man who is unhappy dump his only source of happiness?! It just doesn't make sense! But apparently those men DID do that: I mean she weren't referring to what her mom told her, she was referring to the real hurt she has actually experienced. So apparently the concept of dumping someone because you are unhappy isn't as puzzling as it appears to me since all those loser guys somehow master it?! Well, it doesn't make it any less puzzling to *ME* though. I know for a fact that the very fact that I am unhappy is the exact reason I would *not* dump a woman, *ever*. But apparently the minds of those other guys are just the opposite in this regard which makes absolutely no sense.

So lets say that the reason when you are unhappy you have to dump the woman you are with is that you are trying to practice some high-level yoga to train yourself into being happy on your own (I mean, thats what the advice "be happy wiht yourself first" sounds like). So are those loser guys are really a bunch of yoga masters? And they are even willing to hurt the woman in the process, just so that they can practice their high level yoga?! Well, thats what it appears to be, unless I am really missing something.

People speak of this thing called "self confidence". It seems like something people are just born with.

I feel your frustration man.

Me? I just plain gave up. Girlfriend? I can't even get friends.

It's the curse of not having social skills. people expect a depressed person to develop good social skills in isolation. Nobody wants to be around the depressed, society forces us to put on a 'happy act" for everyone, act negative, and you are outcast , exiled. No negativity allowed. Isolation is the punishment for the miserable.

Don't worry dude, libido goes away as you get older. Eventually you won't care anymore.

sigh.... I hate having autism, the world cares less about autistics as they get older. The only help is for kids. And what they call help for adult autistics is only for 20-somethings. middle aged autistics, we are on the trash heap. Our autism is not even recognized or respected, we just need to grow up. over 30? Autistic? you are S.O.L. ....the world says grow up and get a JOB!

And BTW, BOTH men & women are 'twisted", humans are "twisted".
I'm sure the ladies can share some examples of confusing things they do in relationships and breakups too.

The fact that you even think its about libido is an example of how I see men twisted. To me, the emotional aspect of it is FAR more important. But, for some twisted reason, men think the opposite and dump the emotional aspect for physical pleasure. And, as a result of what THEY do, *I* am the one who can't be trusted enough to get the emotional support I am craving.



Totally agree. When women dump me for reasons that don't make sense, it makes it seem like women are twisted. But then when they are telling me of guys that did the very things that they are worried I would do, it makes it sound like men are twisted. So, in some sense, both genders are.

don't talk about exes before any form of relationship, if you go for a relationship

- it's childish for selfesteem, i think

for the below too, the low selfesteem and picking up more low selfesteem by the act, doing it with someone you don't care about much, creating a cycle in itself



by doing what they're used to, to go from a bad place to the next
a little rush, a down and back again

I do have low self esteem, I fully admit to that. But I am hoping to find a woman who would cure my self esteem issue, so that my self esteem would become high again due to my being in a relationship. And it doesn't make sense why other people with low self esteem do just the opposite to that.

If you ask me "well, why didn't you raise your self esteem after all those years" I would say "well, in order for me to raise self esteem I need to be in a relationship". I am pretty sure that "if only" a woman were to trust me and agree to date me my self esteem would go up. But for some mysterious reason women aren't buying it (they tell me "be happy with yourself first" which makes no sense) and thats why I remain dateless and miserable.

Sorry, but a womans brain does not work that way. It's a stone age thing. The most women are mentally still like in stone age if it comes to men. In the stone age the only reason for having a low self esteem of a man was beeing a really bad hunter and unable to to feed and defend a woman and her children. A successful hunter was proud of his success wore always good fur and could feed even more than just only one woman. For this you have to become self confident and to learn of being proud of yourself to become really attractive for women. Do never treat yourself as a looser or other people will treat treat you this way too.

PS: Even men don't like other men of low self esteem. If it comes to a fight they won't stand for their friends. For this you have to learn to like yourself or anybody will dump you.

Last edited by quite an extreme on 15 Sep 2018, 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

Some of the people giving you that advice will be extroverts with good social skills. They've never been socially isolated and they have an easy time finding a girlfriend. They have no experience with your situation or the way you feel and probably won't think too deeply about it.

But there is some truth to that sentence because:
.)Negativity is not attractive to most people. Happy people often have an easier time finding a partner than unhappy people.
.)Depression can be contagious if the depressed person constantly needs to wallow in their negative feelings. Maybe you'd be instantly happy if you had a girlfriend, but that's not true for every depressed person. Some could bring their partner down and the partner may soon end the relationship again because they were a lot happier without it.



Talking too much about exes is usually not a good idea. If you talk about your exes in a very positive way and miss them that may indicate that you haven't gotten over them yet and that makes a new relationship more difficult. If you talk about your exes in a very negative way and you have several exes that may indicate that you might have been the actual problem in the relationships (the only factor common to all the relationships is you) and that, if the person dates you, they'll become the next ex you talk about like that.



Those other men's source of happiness or unhappiness may not be the same as yours. With your reasons to be unhappy it might not make any sense to dump your girlfriend but if the reason those men were unhappy was a different one these men are not in the same situation as you.

.)Some of these men might have been unhappy before the relationship and, maybe after shortly being happy when the relationship started, will have been unhappy during the relationship. Some people need someone they can blame when they're unhappy. In some cases that someone may be the girlfriend.
.)Some may have vented a lot and complained a lot and the girlfriend may have reacted exasperated after a while. Consequently she may have turned into an additional source of stress.
.)Others could have been unhappy because they settled for the only girl who would give them a chance but they weren't attracted to her and didn't really like her. Her existence in their lives may have reminded them of the fact that they failed to attract the kind of girl they actually wanted and they may have taken their frustration out on her.
.)Yet others may have left her for some reason that had absolutely nothing to do with them being unhappy at the time the relationship started.

They weren't trying to train themselves into being happy on their own. They ended the relationship because it did not make them happy. Maybe it really contributed to their unhappiness or maybe they needed something to blame their unhappiness on, and their relationship or lack thereof gets the blame no matter what.
It's also possible that a few ended the relationship because they thought their negative emotions harmed the girlfriend's well-being.

If you're wanting a girlfriend to fix your self esteem problem, that's not love.
That's using someone as a crutch.
It won't be a healthy relationship because you're depending on something outside of yourself to supply your happiness, and that creates fear, because it is something outside of your control.
When men experience fear in a relationship they can become controlling or abusive, or go the other way and become a door mat.
That's why it's recommended to be happy with yourself first.
If you're happy with yourself, you're not as dependent on another person, and you can love more freely.

So true!

Given that men in their mid 30s typically hope to hook up with women in their mid 20s, you can't expect younger women to have their stuff together well enough to mentor guys.

I think I'm living DISproof of the claim you mention. I am and always have been super confident and full of self esteem. I still have never had friends or girlfriends.

Pro tip: when dealing with a new person DON'T talk about your ex too much. If they ask about it you can say why it didn't work out but if you say too much it could give the impression that you're not over the ex and might would cheat with the ex if given the opportunity.

Otherwise that is right to fix yourself before entering into a relationship because you can't use someone else as a crutch.

Some people are very happy by nature and when you rub up against them, it is like some of that happiness is contagious and soon you find yourself enjoying life. But some people are very miserable. They look at life like a constant storm with thunder and lightning. And that misery can spread from person to person.
So if you are happy with yourself, you will attract others but if you are miserable, always talking about your ex's, never looking at the good side of life, some people wisely just walk away.

Ain't gonna happen. You must first cure your "self-esteem issue" before you can attract a woman, unless the woman you attract has even greater self-esteem issues than you. In which case, is becomes a metaphorical issue of the blind leading the blind over the nearest cliff.They do it because it works.

I also had self-esteem issues, until that point in my life that I resolve to (1) make something of myself, (2) prove all of my detractors wrong, and (3) never again use my own "lack of self-esteem" as an excuse for living an unproductive and risk-free existence.

So far, I am 3 for 3.

You can find someone if you have self-esteem, but that person is likely to also have low self-esteem and that's just not going to last.

Self-esteem, self-confidence is something that is an intrinsic part of attraction. We all look for mates who have some confidence, it's nature. If you're unhappy, it shows. People are not attracted to others who aren't happy. They're looking for someone to make them happier and someone who isn't happy is not going to do that for them. You have to have something to offer, and if you don't think you have something to offer it really makes it difficult. Another person cannot give you self-esteem, they can increase it but you have to have it to increase it.

Trust me when I say this, having someone be responsible for your own self-esteem will not last. It just does not work that way, because it's not really self-esteem.

I'm not saying that you're going have to be Mr. Ego, but someone that is comfortable in being single. An "I'd like to have someone but if not, that's OK to" type of attitude.

I spent a lot of years with low or no self-esteem. I was in a relationship where we both had issues and it didn't last. It was really doomed from the start. I learned from that in that I had to be OK with who I was. CBT helped with that quite a bit, I eventually was able to feel comfortable with being single, despite still wanting more. I've been married for 13 years now.

You are here wanting to talk about it. This shows that you want something better for yourself, and that's a good thing.

If you focus on you, get yourself into a better place (mentally) it will happen. I've said it here before, but I'm strong believer in CBT, it can make a huge difference. It's a lot easier with someone who's trained in it, but there are books/workbooks you can use. Unfortunately, it's not a quick fix and can take months and maybe even years, but once you feel better about yourself you'll have more to offer and will be ready for someone who will add to your life, not give you one and you'll be much happier for it.

It's well past my bedtime and I babble and become non-sensical when I'm fully awake, so I'm sorry if some or all of this makes no sense, so I apologize.