People obsessed with your flaws

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I know it seems like I'm victim-blaming myself too much, and I guess it's true, but also, it's not as black and white as a cartoon villain terrorizing a tiny little baby. When this happened, I was neurotic and self-deluded and kind of a compulsive liar, albeit of the kind who actually believes their own lies and who lies by omission and not by saying mistruths. I may have been happier back then mood-wise, but I had so many issues that my conscious was unaware of but my subconscious was all too familiar with. Let's face it, I was bound to be disappointed anyway. You see, I have kind of an "I would have gotten away with it were it not for you meddling kids" attitude towards them. But in reality, if they did not expose me as the delusional fantasist that I was back then, somebody else would have. BTW, one might argue that my old life was like a teen film remake of A Streetcar Named Desire. Because in my story, just like in that play and its movie remake, there was a self-deluded and traumatized person who only really wanted to escape from reality, and an as*hole (in my case, as*holes) who yes, exposed someone as a self-deluded compulsive liar, but at the cost of hurting them more than they deserved.

You see, I could see this entire situation objectively. I could see that I did so much wrong when I first met them and that's why typical "oh sweetie, you did nothing wrong" rhetoric doesn't work on me. But also, after some time, this all was mostly their fault, because as much as I wanted to improve myself, they wouldn't let me and they let me stay stuck as the same superficial person I was when I first met them.

Another update: BTW, my biggest fear nowadays is no longer of being bullied again, because I know I could prevent that. If anything, my biggest fear is of being bored with nothing to distract me with my traumas, like was the case for me in the recent past.

Like, my traumas, they manifest in the strangest manner: sure, I don't even fear this ever happening again because I know I could prevent that, but I do feel a vague sense of being wronged and a vague sense of fear when it comes to certain kinds of people. And strangely enough, I actually feel strangely flattered when I get bullied on the Internet because of the reminder of when I actually had a social life.

Ouch, didn't mean to bump this thread.