Roommate with HFA

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I ALWAYS give people the benefit of the doubt.

But the guy abuses the other guy. He berates him. He yells at him.

He's a high school teacher. He's cognitively able to relate to people more like an adult, and less like a baby.

No excuse for all that. No matter what "sensory issues" the guy is having.

He has a large bedroom all to himself.

It would help if he would discuss his autistim and triggers with me - but he will not. He will not admit to triggers. How can I respect his sensory triggers when he will not admit them to me? When he will not admit to having any triggers whatsoever? He's not making this easy on me.

And, yes, he is a 48 y/o high school teacher who manages out in the real world without hurting others, so he has the skills to do so at home.

I am an academic, a mathematician; math is not exactly a noisy profession. I spend the vast majority of my time reading and doing math in my bedroom/office. If I stream a video, I wear full earphones. Bluntly put, I am incredibly quiet. I am (hopefully) not the cause of overload at home.

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He has the skills to do so but he may not have the energy to do so.
Spoon theory

He might not have the "energy"---but I feel like he should GET the energy.

Yes, I am a bit familiar with Spoon Theory. As a disabled introvert, I have only so much 'social energy' to expend.

I assume Michael has the same sort of social energy limitations. This is why I do not expect him to engage in chit-chat, etc.; I do say, "Have a good day," and the like, but I do not attempt lengthy conversations. I certainly never knock on his bedroom door. I just assume that, like me, he needs his 'down' time.

In fact, this is one reason why we decided to share an apartment: We both value our peace and quiet. Neither of us enjoy visitors, TV, video games, or loud music. When home, we study or read. We are quite compatible in that manner.

Given the situation, I would hope our apartment would be a place he could come home to unwind and recharge his 'batteries'.

There is no reason for him to verbally attack me. There's plenty of physical and emotional space here.

You could tell him that he doesn't have to be so rude.

Well he sounds like an as*hole, may be best to try and get a different room-mate or move somewhere else or whatever. I mean sure HFA can cause some sensory issues and social issues, so it would be considerate not to have bright lights on late at night and not have a huge crowd over and things like that. But not allowing you to speak when you have something to say? that is very weird and certainly not normal HFA behavior. Seems more like rude manners like he thinks he can just talk over everyone else no matter what...and yelling whenever you so much as mention a problem is very bad. If I were you I'd try to get into a place you don't have to live with that room-mate. If its a college dorm situation maybe talk to whatever office you deal with for houseing and see if they can maybe switch you to another room or do anything about it. I mean HFA is one thing, but its not an excuse to try to litterally control you room-mate, seems like maybe he does not understand you are your own individual person not just an inanimate appliance/thing in his room to yell at.

Hi CockneyRebel,

We haven't spoken since his last 'incident' a full eight days ago.

I did snap at him, I was so mad; I informed him that he is not the Master of the Universe, and I am not his subordinate, so he'd better get over himself because I won't let him talk to me that way.

We have been avoiding each other ever since. The silence is golden.

SweetLeaf,

Thanks for your help and support.

I think we will need to stick together until my lease is up on 9/1/2019.

Hopefully, I spoke to him strongly enough last week that he will back off permanently.

Things are quiet here now. No interaction at all for eight days. Perhaps it's over. Wishful thinking?

Well yeah sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and stick with a situation for a little bit longer than you would like to. But from my perspective it does not seem like this is just him having HFA...like he may have that but he is still being an as*hole to the extent its making it very unpleasant for his room-mate. I mean I had a situation at the last place I lived, where the neighbors upstairs just let their kids run around all over the place, screaming, fighting and even breaking stuff. We started getting issues with them when after a few days of their kids playing right outside our sliding glass back door even banging on it at times. I finally asked management to talk to them about it...they said they would and then a while later I had the mom or at least an adult from upstairs bang on my door to demand if I had a problem with their kids. I said, I just would like them to quit hanging out right outside our door, she said the backyard was a common area and I said, yes, but right outside my door is not. And since then the kids kept hanging out right by our door while shouting and yelling and banging on things so after many months of this and then they were blasting music so loud it was shaking my apartment I went up, knocked on their door and angrily asked that they turn down their music...they said it was just a movie but the noise went down. THen the next day I got a notice on the door about me and my boyfriend making disturbances and using excessive foul language and stuff, those people upstairs probably used more foul language than we ever did. I even heard the teen screaming at her younger siblings and their friends even saying things like 'b*tch n*gger' Like I would feel extremely mean and uncomfortable saying something like that. But we had a year lease so once things got super horrible we still had to stick it out another 3 months to find a better place but we could not have afforded a charge for leaving the lease early. I tried to tell the management what had been going on with them, but they were just all passive and said I had to get pictures and videos of them doing anything for them to take any action. Though without video and picture evidence they give us a notice about all kind of bad behavior we have been exibiting which we had not done any of those things. yet for us we have to provide video and picture evidence for them to even look into it? Well whatever the kids there trashed the yard so perhaps one of the management people will see that and realize me and my boyfriend were not the as*holes and were more just dealing with an impossible situation.

Yes, I agree with you: This is about more than HFA, it seems.

Sorry to hear about your problem with your neighbors. I also learned my lesson about neighbors the hard way, as you did. What I have gathered over the last ten years is, people who cause that sort of purposeful trouble do not care about their neighbors and, if you stand up to them, even politely, they seek to 'punish' you by making your life a literal hell.

Anyhow, yes, I think you are right: my roommate's issues are about more than the HFA. I have a feeling that, due to his professional standing, he must keep his autism so secret that, by time he gets home at night, he is really wound up and so lets it all fly. Now, instead of going to his room and shutting the door - getting that down time we all discussed - he has decided to take it all out on me. I know he was married up to a few months ago, and he apparently treated his wife this way, too. Anyhow, somewhere along the line, he learned to take out his pent-up HFA frustrations on whomever he lived with, and for some reason he got away with it, so he kept going on that way.

I stood up to him, though, so maybe things will change for the better now. (Although, admittedly, his wife stood up to him and divorced him, and he is still at it. In fact, he is furious at her regarding the divorce and he does not take any responsibility for the break-up, so who knows?)

Being angry about a divorce is almost mandatory That could be a source of his angst.


I hope things will improve for you. Remember to document what you can, whether it's recording things which should be recorded or just writing down your memories of encounters that you have. Hopefully, they won't be meaningful but it's always a good idea when you if you're living in an adversarial situation.

Good point about the importance of documenting issues!

Thank you.

There is no way this teacher is working 8 hours and acting like a douche bag. He's treating you like his parents. He held it together for 8 hours, and he's now taking his frustrations out on people who will "eat it".
You'll eat his sh***y behavior because a lease was signed.

You don't sound like you are deliberately triggering him. There is one thing to eat off an china plate, and make a little noise, it's a whole other deal egging him on by banging on the plate.

If this guy has that many sensory/control issues, he might have to get a studio apartment by himself. Honestly, how you haven't yelled, "Who the F*CK do you think you are, who do you think you are living with and where do you think you are living?", would have passed my lips two weeks into this nonsense.

Your roommate has maladaptive coping skills. I'm positive this is how he dealt with stuff growing up. What he fails to realize is you ARE NOT family. Mom and Dad brush off self centered behaviors. I see his wife is getting ready to broom him. I have a feeling his theory of mind/soft skills are marginally at best.

BUT not your circus, not your monkeys.

It sucks he has a stressful job. That was his choice to go into teaching. His divorce is his problem. If he is only acting how he is at the present with you, very few spouse will tolerate that controling behavior for very long.

You aren't his therapist or his mommy or wife. You sound very considerate. If he doesn't tell you about his sensory issues, man..that's on him getting triggered. You can't read minds.

I'm guessing you are the lease holder. This is a business exchange and not a work of mercy. I rent, so I know how hard some contracts are to break. Telling him to leave may he legally impossible right now.

Possession is 9th the law. I would not change how you are living. If your roommate leaves early, yay! If he's staying until the next lease, give him a heads up you will not be renewing it again. Also check out legal aid and see what protections are in place if he decides he's not leaving even after the lease is done.

All God's childrens got problems Autism or NT. I feel bad your roommate's life is hard, but that is not your problem to patch up. Remember you can be a jerk AND have Autism. Don't excuse crap behaviors. Remember this guy is working 40+ a week. You deserve the same decency he shows his coworkers.

Oh...and document. Smart phones will let you record without the other person knowing it. (Incase roommate gets verbally abusive).

Curious...is this the first time for him living with roommates? I wonder if he went from his parent's home to marrige home, and never dealt with people just not putting up with antics because they aren't blood?





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I agree.

Ten days ago, I did pop off at him after he pulled one of his stunts. I said something like, "You are NOT Master of the Universe and I am NOT your subordinate! You will NOT speak to me this way!" It did get his attention.

After that, I did send him an email to address the ASD, his triggers, and his behavior. I had not wanted to address his disorder - his business - but he was causing so much trouble, I had to. He wrote back that he would not discuss any of this stuff.

We haven't spoken since. He goes his way and I go mine. Most nights, he comes home at 9-10 PM. If he speaks to me, I will ignore him. At this point, if he leaves me totally alone and pays his bills, we can manage.

This apartment was originally mine. I've lived here nine years. But, when he moved in, he came on the lease, so we are 50-50 partners. It would hurt me, financially, to dump him now, so I will hang on, but I sure as hell will not allow him to cause any more trouble.

maybe try and get in contact with his parents or another relative and explain to them what's going on and ask if there is anything you could do to make it easier for you or you can stand up to him and tell him that if he doesn't show you respect then you have nothing to do, but have him move out and find another place to live. Autism or not, he has no right to treat you like that in your own home. he has to learn that acting out and "controlling" whats being said isn't acceptable and if he keeps it up then he's going to not only lose friends, but he's going to lose respect from his peers and nobody would want to be around him.