Halp this newly diagnosed Autie!

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As my title says, I am newly diagnosed as being on the spectrum and I have struggled to understand how this could be-- mostly due to internalized Abelism and negative stereotypes. Honestly I have been in denial about it, even after getting an official diagnosis. I thought it would lead to validation but instead I have chosen to believe that the doctor was wrong. Yeah... No joke.

Anyway, I am writing this post in search of others who were/are in a similar situation. Specifically I am looking for input as to what one does after having assumed they were "just" weird their entire life but now they have a label they may or may not relate to.

I guess lately (since finding the ASD community on socialmedia sites and really feeling....) like they relate to these people and wouldn't mind taking a peek at what it means to be on the spectrum and what it says about them.

For example, seeing others stimming freely literally makes me feel joy, despite my hands being silenced my entire life. But yet when I try flapping my hands it just feels forced or like I am being fake. How can that be?! I don't know.

I guess I've just spent my entire life feeling like I never belonged anywhere and now I have this thing that I don't know if it's where I belong and maybe I'm just afraid I will be rejected again? I don't know.

Welcome.

Did you used to hand flap when you were a child and it was discouraged so you stopped? Or are you saying you never hand flapped but you've tried it as an adult and it doesn't feel like therapeutic stimulatory behavior?

There are many different kinds of "stims" other than hand flapping. Perhaps you do something else that you haven't even realized that it's a stim.

Honestly I cannot recall if I hand flapped or not. I think so but my childhood memories are foggy. When I have tried it now though, it does not feel natural or at ease, like I guess I expected it to. Like putting on a warm pair of socks that you have not worn in a long time.

I stim by picking my fingers and twirling my hair. Oh, and rocking. Those were the things I was not punished for doing as a child. The people I lived with were SILENT HANDS people.
It's just weird to come from forced silence and passing as an NT as a child to having this diagnosis. Just trying to figure it all out.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

It took a lot of time of Neurotypical "training" to get you to this point so it is going take some time to let the real autistic you buried way down there somewhere to come out.

I think in time it will happen for you because I think you have made more progress than you realize because you understand what was done to you and that you helped it along by "internalized ableism".
You have to relax(I know really difficult) and let your autistic brain do what it needs to do to process the new knowledge.

Since you asked when I was first diagnosed 5 years ago I was really bothered because I felt I did not understand what parts of me was the addition of learned skills to my autistic self and what parts was me faking myself out. It took a lot of time to realize it was a pointless mental exercise. At this stage of my life, my autism and my personality are completely and unbreakably fused together.