Do mental 'images' of e.g suicide 'sate' a distant 'desire'?

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Things go wrong, sure, and sometimes they often do, and all at once... and then there is the crushing loneliness. Now, I've dealt with the latter for at least the past six years constantly, so I'm kind of used to it... at one point I was always on the verge of freaking out, and before I was allowed pets in this flat I threatened a 'manager' with suicide as described in another thread, because it was pure torture. Here is capitalism, owners get free money for something they already own, probably has not only pets if they wanted, but a family and friends... probably. And, I, nothing at all... at least until then. Now, despite often being in heat and so noisy, I still enjoy the company of cats... but they can't converse, of course, at best they can be fluffy and I'll just brush up against all their lush fur.

Swell... six years of that, at least, mostly... I was still much happier in a human relationship before then, despite having no cats... the combination would be perfect, but haven't that that so far.

So... six years alone mostly, still, rotting slowly like any living creature does... video games and anime usually... very rarely did I go out throughout the years... but lo and behold, I did try last week, effectively forced to due to extreme stress online and a need to change a pattern... for a week, it... kind of worked? Got into conflict, though, because it seems that even in a supposedly 'social organization', whatever it thinks it is, it is more purely capitalistic... and apparently they think that because someone can pay a certain amount they're entitled to annoy others who pay a lesser amount. And I'm supposed to not be annoyed about this? And I'm supposed to believe no one except me ever complained despite going on for decades?

Due to that, and a comment I made to a 'receptionist' that he somehow took personally due to a former role he had... and wow, did I manage to piss him off unintentionally, he even had these flaring nostrils while we argued, which I thought was funny since I don't think I ever take arguments so personally... feel massively depressed, sure, especially if judgement of many people is involved... but this was a mostly academic discussion that fundamentally was about one person essentially paying to annoy others, even though it's in an 'official' capacity that 'helps' a group, but annoys everyone outside the group. Anyway, I never interacted with the original annoyance itself again, but since this other guy is a receptionist... apparently he is/was going to hold a grudge. For something I said that didn't even involve him at all, but people always find excuses to be offended, don't they?

Today, though... well, due to their stupid structure of facilities and a variety of circumstances I ended up in a sticky situation (unrelated to the above, actually, but it happened to involve this same person)... and while the situation itself wasn't the worst thing I've ended up in during this... week, it's only been a week, I swear I don't think I've ever come close/been banned from anything in such a short time, it's like I'm speedrunning it now, after years of isolation I'm just incompatible or something... but, clearly, this stupid capitalistic mindset is the original faultline... as a hypothetical question, in fact, today I asked how much I'd need to pay to get a vuvuzela and play it all day without consequences. Oh, but of course, they thought it was a slightly differing circumstance, since this person is annoying others to 'help' a group, but couldn't care less about anyone outside of that group... but, surely, if every organization runs in this manner then I can theoretically pay enough to even get a jackhammer to go off all day, although I'd personally wouldn't want to remain under such hellish circumstances even if I was the one who was doing it to prove a point. A vuvuzela is at least funny... point remains.

This was probably my last avenue available around here, though, where, if at all possible... at least without someone's grudge (which ended up concentrated on me a few days ago where, under ideal, grudge-less conditions I could have actually ended up relaxed, instead I was so depressed that, despite exercising, I still ended up comfort eating junk food because for a couple of hours this bastard's gaze tore through me, almost)... but so, unless I live far away, what else do I have left to try to relax? Sure, games and anime or films, but... if one feels confined... if one has an existential crisis... I was only seriously suicidal years ago when absolutely everything seemed/was negative, but now loneliness is even more of a factor, although I'm used to it by now... but, isn't it funny when, even in the rarest of circumstances where there is even a slight praise, since one is so unused to it, and unused to others generally... even then one might feel, or think, or imagine, kind of like a pianist would practice mentally, I suppose? Such images...

To Planetarium, I do not know about suicide ideation except a lot of people have this ideation, and it does not always mean someone will eventually do it. Most don't, but some do. This said, you write an interesting message, though a tad convoluted, but I like that, too; actually would love to hear more details of what you argued about. By all means please keep writing, as you have a style. So now you have a pet? The suicide threat worked. Actually I recently played the suicide card,myself, possibly for the first time in my life, to a person at a telephone company about my phone bill, and (all) it got me was an extra twenty dollars. First and last time I will ever do that, but the aim was to do an experiment and not to get the money, or at least so little, and if I gave the entire context everyone would understand. Don't worry so much about capitalism is my humble suggestion, and please feel free to take anything I write with a grain of salt. Personally I believe in enlightened capitalism, but am not so sure that works because so many people are filled with greed. My suggestion: Your venture out sounds like it was a genuine adventure, not necessarily a positive one, agreed, but generating the possibility for future more positive experience if processed as a learning tool, so I suggest you make it into a kind of practice.I would like to read about it, I like to go around the town once a week on the bus system or in my neighborhood into thrift shops or to food stores and talk to many people in transit and in the stores and have had all kinds of adventures with people. Of course it is easier for me to talk to strangers cause I'm a woman. I have had negative experiences, too, but a good chance to observe my own reactions and hone my social skills. I realize your neighborhood may not be a place that is near things or even has easy access to transit. p.s Just remembered I have said a lot of times to my (ex) boyfriend who is now paralyzed on one side from a stroke he had at the end of January, that I FEEL like killing myself, but he knew I wouldn't and it was just a figure of speech. Actually since he is gone I have no longer felt like killing myself. Interesting; just realized this right now, so thanks, Course a lot of bad stuff did happen, but now that he is no longer coming here, a lot less bad stuff is happening. i think his anger was contagious and it attracted certain experiences to me, butm then again, I allowed the tone and quality of that relationship to happen..

Funnily, my ex had anger problems too, but internalized as opposed to taken out on others which I'd absolutely not tolerate after my experience with my parents... so, my relationship with my ex wasn't perfect, he wasn't, but, as I mention in the happiness thread, I was still happy... I'm still not sure if I contributed to his unhappiness, though, which resulted in the eventual departure... I wish I knew, not that it'd make a difference at this point, but if I ever had another relationship... although from this juncture it seems I might not. Six years is a lot of time... my first relationship only lasted seven months... I personally felt the least depressed/suicidal in comparison to any other point in life, but I suppose that might be the definition of happiness... he clearly didn't, though... I often hope he enjoyed how once, for instance, we just lied down outside under a night sky and spent time together, in each other's arms, looking up... still, he got frustrated and, like many on the spectrum, felt like hurting himself, bashing his head in a wall or, once, bashing some tennis rackets because of some minor dispute. While I might feel frustrated and depressed but not necessarily 'manifest' them physically as such, it seems like some people do... at my worst I did the former, but that was mostly because I was trapped in with abusive parents and law practically sentenced me to insanity, which drove me the closest to suicide (it's such a weird feeling, can still remember... I'm almost certain it's an 'altered state' too, not unlike those achieved by chemicals or while dreaming... a state that, bizarrely, made me more efficient than ever before and it was the only time my room was perfect at all times and somehow always found the motivation to throw away rubbish as opposed to throwing it on the floor like I do now, which is something I still don't understand... beyond depression lies suicide, and yet it can contrast it so much, and for what reason? I was thinking something like "I need to be as efficient (and possibly clean?) as possible before the end"... now, last month I went through some of the most stress outside of my parents, but not all-enveloping as it is if people are being actively abusive and one can't leave... so was incredibly depressed and ended up using alcohol, not unlike post-suicidal ideation after deciding to 'wait out' law (the so-called 'minor' status which, under normal parental conditions is nothing to be worried about... but in a certain context can truly result in a hell which, if society's infrastructure is already dysfunctional, can trap one sufficiently to want to kill themselves)).

Currently, though, I'm merely wandering aimlessly... I don't go out in that sense, I've never done so in the past many years... I mean, if I'm in some foreign city I do just walk around like that, but not if I'm in the same neighbourhood I've been in for years... although I did when I was 'waiting out' years ago to help me think things through a bit, since I needed a solution... and I suppose I'm kind of doing that now while trying to go to some specific avenue to try to relax... but what relax, society is always dysfunctional and I get frustrated. So, at some point it's a cost measure, not just financially, but time-wise, energy too... and there is no point to some things, like my sibling thinks it's worth it to catch a bus to drop me off somewhere, then go up a hill, not very far... but up a hill... just to talk to elderly people... I think not. What's the point? I once even tried going to a convenient, central place with no hills to talk to not just elderly, but mentally disabled people... and while interesting to observe from an academic point of view, I don't think it will sate my desire to socialize... I did once interact with a schizophrenic who had quite some wild delusions, but he could at least express them, as opposed to stuttering etc... and was still skilled at chess, so there was that.

I'm even wondering whether I should ask about whether adoption is viable in my context and point in life... it's not like, financially too, it's impossible... but I can barely regularly clean up after some cats, and children aren't great at communicating, either... no way would it be infants, would drive me insane with their crying... but children's curiosity may be interesting to answer, since I've always researched my own questions too... but it would be such a variable, so much more than even two cats, and ultimately... I don't think it's what I really, really want (funnily enough I originally was 'inspired' by... Despicable Me, of all things... you know what I mean if you've seen it)... but I guess someone is better than no one... I'd probably regret it, though... at best, perhaps, I'd have someone to watch anime with, which isn't much and since I like to rewind if I miss something (and others might not even like subbed) it might end up annoying them... at worst, though, they might still be so unstoppably noisy, which I suppose anyone can be if they wanted... it's not like children that congregate nearby ever gave me a good impression, but I suppose that is a one-dimensional impression due to circumstances... I don't really know of any positives, though, and I've watched that movie a long time ago, now... and it's fictional.

I mean, I barely have friends... literally, just one IRL. And... probably hundreds of enemies over the years. Nothing, though, compares to having a deeper relationship with someone, friendship is shallow in comparison... but still interesting, very limited though... but seven months gave an understanding of so much poetry and other art. Would my watching of Inuyasha have been the same without my relationship? I watched most of the anime so far post-breakup, in fact... and yet, all I have currently to find anything else is... stupid 'swiping'... something so ideal, so awe-inspiring, reduced to clicks and left-and-right motions... haven't done it in weeks, bores me quickly... and yet, completely randomly, my first relationship was borne out of the most unexpected places...

Interesting read I only read it once and maybe will read it again, and then write something more, but on first read, it sounds like you have an energetic connection with life on some level, such as with with children and cats, and also you are longing for a deeper relationship with a peer, so, in effect, you are able to love, which I presume is your saving grace. This said, the suffering seems to be profound. I am so sorry. Why would it not be worth it to you to go up a hill to talk to some old people? (I suppose it might depend upon high big is the hill:-) I do get it could be depressing, but there is at least a slim chance that one or two of them could have some life wisdom. Personally I hunger for wise energy (energy not quite the right word) coming out of people's faces (unfortunately very few people), but hunting for such people and on rare occasion finding them and rememering in some part of my brain and heart that such wisdom can and does exist is literally what has kept me alive.

Also, why do you watch anime or whatever it is? (What is it?) I have over three hundred dvd's and occasionally watch one. if it is good, usually more than one time. I have some English films, too. I very much do understand watching something over and over, but what are you gleaning for? Let's try to find whatever that is in a new place and in a new way. Then you/we can get more of it, assuming we are gleaning for the same thing, and/or(e), we can learn how to better glean. Is what you are getting out of repeating watching the anime (which I am not sure what that is but will try to research before I write back), the same thing that you would be seeking from an intimate human relationship, or would that be something different?

Oh, I wouldn't put those two in the same category... I've always loved cats, ever since one rubbed herself while waiting for a bus in primary school... but no, 'children' right now give me more grief than anything, mostly because the council is so oblivious to any sensible designs that, without even intending, resulted in congregations of youths kicking balls in the direction of my flat. And, apparently, it's all fine, since they built a park with their enjoyment in mind... who cares if my door has its glass smashed? Peak of irony was when this obese conservative mayor here said that at least they're having some exercise, presumably what he never had. Now, the smashed door doesn't belong to me personally... but if it did who in the world would pay for it? Well, presumably insurance did... are they happy with the situation? Do they even know about it? What usually affects me even more, though, is when they miss and the ball hits the building and I could feel it... well, years ago I made much more of a fuss, but clearly I wasted energy and as long as it's not a jackhammer which I can't even block out with the loudest of music I'm not fussing anymore and just turn up the volume... but then neighbours complain. Society can be a dysfunctional nightmare.

It's kind of depressing to talk to old people for the obvious reasons... although, if the conversation ends up about the topic of death, I suppose it's even more depressing for them... now I did once try to volunteer for this phoning thing, at least no hills... but they rejected me for not having the right mindset or something. I hear some people volunteer to spend time with some terminally ill people's last days... must be profoundly depressing. Also, ultimately, I hope to find this 'peer', and I can't possibly do that with old people... friends perhaps, although not even that if they're already 'advanced' in life...

Anime is simply Japanese animation, which must be the biggest industry... I watch anything, but as I want media to be subtitled it's much easier to find subbed anime, whereas with anything in this language I need to find subs manually... I don't watch something repeatedly, but I find certain genres to fit certain moods, and last month, while under the most stress, I somehow found the courage to watch what I could never approach before... kind of like a decade ago, while suicidal and trapped with my parents, I had this 'weird' desire to touch the ocean... in the middle of the night.

Ha! This is terrible to confess, and nothing to be proud of: I am a cat lover, but if I don't like certain people, then I have a problem liking their cats, and same with children. This said, if any children are noisy, I hate them, as I have very low noise tolerance. Can you not watch stuff without subtitles because you're deaf? Personally I do not choose what I watch to fit a mood exactly. The main thing is inquiry. If I am not up to inquiry I watch things to escape or just for sheer pleasure at human voices (which is why I watch a lot of news), faces and colors. Do you have this? Now I am watching a t.v. movie about two twins who changed identities on their 30th birthdays, for a lark, and one of them was murdered. (I missed the exact specifics of the murder, which just happened, as I was writing to you. Drats, but something to the effect of she was hit by a car. In fact, do not know if she is actually dead, but she will be, as the t.v menu listing for the movie said so. Maybe she will be murdered later. But you will not die later by suicide except to prove me wrong, which would be lame. I feel it in my heart and it is very important to me. Of course, we all will die eventually. I am obsessed with death and think about it a lot especially as I am kind of old. God help us all. Please live as long as you possibly can, as I feel you have something to give the world. You are giving me something. Cannot put my finger on exactly what it is. Maybe because I feel you have the possibility to convert your suffering into some kind of joy, due to the touching the ocean comment, very profound and beautiful; sheer poetry, and this gives me hope. I do not know if you actually went to the ocean or simply touched the ocean inside of you. Either feels to me to be kind of the same. Plenty more to write here. Your mind is rich. Please do not find this question too offbnsive or probing, but do you feel you got any of this poetry from your parents (not to excuse whatever they did to you) or were you just born with it? I was terribly abused, but feel I got some of my resilience from my mother. It is a mixed bad, which makes it all the more difficult to sort out, but also all the more worthwhile. Imo if it were all so cut and dried we all would be free now. Signed "me"

I love cats no matter where they come from... and I'm seriously hoping I can get a ragdoll at some point in the future because they look so fluffy and angelic... but two is enough right now, both seem to be on heat too...

You watch news? I can barely listen to it on the radio... and whose voices? I hate more voices than I could ever like. I'm not deaf, but I want to be able to catch every word, which is why I'd never subscribe to cinemas unless they have at least one screen dedicated to subbed films, but no, not even one... more like, two films a week... well, then, if they don't care about any extra money, I can always watch from the comfort of my room even if a 42" isn't as big as a whole room screen.

I go with moods, otherwise I might not enjoy what I watch... I used to only watch horror once every few months maybe, but stress made me unable to stop watching for some reason, even now that the immediate stressor stopped... but loneliness never stops, of course... so horror is such a natural parallel. I hate how much of it is just gore, though... I consider Jacob's Ladder to be real psychological horror, not just some mindless bloodbath that might as well be a war film (so, when I first watched that film I was seriously high, and as it begins it very much seems like a war film, which I'd normally never watch in such a state... but it really changes).

I did actually go into the ocean for a bit to see what it's like when all else is dark... I did even weirder stuff, actually, since a mind trapped and stressed resorts to strange things... like, in the middle of the night too, I just wanted to feel what the air is like... wholly. This was in the middle of the summer, so no hypothermia, but still... I used to jog at night too, still do due to a lack of people, but I don't quite resort to the aforementioned 'oddities' currently...

I didn't realize you were "kind of old", I hope you didn't take personally what I said earlier about differences in age, then... I mean, at this point I'm much older than I remember myself being too... nearly double the age since I once thought it was odd to be an age that others considered young when I felt so old trapped by my parents due to law, but age is relative... I do actually fear death more than I could ever desire it, actually, mostly because I listen to music almost constantly and... how could there be an eternity without such? Beethoven, Mozart, Bach could write music itself, and in the former case to lose hearing while alive too... if there was even a slither of consciousness emanating from them, though, wouldn't they find it a horrifying prospect to 'exist' 'forever' in silence and darkness? I'm personally coming to the conclusion that life is an aberration and should have not suddenly started... the physical universe was more likely, matter and antimatter, but life? And consciousness? I'm interested in hallucinogens for this reason, though, for the possibility to understand more intuitively, as opposed to just mechanically learning how life may have begun underwater, but I do fear I might end up at some dark conclusions, like the protagonist in Altered States did... I once had an incredibly powerful dissociative (as opposed to psychedelic) experience and I was so amazed at the intensity of how I felt that I never tried the combination again, but for some reason dominoes is all I could think of, that life is like a series of dominoes, which makes sense logically... but also, I realize they're entirely subjective and I was merely reflecting my internal states more than contemplating the universe at large... dissociation, by nature, is like that more than the other states.

And... no, I'm more inclined to think I got my writing style through console RPGs, the mind is developed in one's early teenage years, and I played most Final Fantasies back then, among many other mainly PS1, some 2 games... if you like poetry and wouldn't mind trying out videos games do play Chrono Cross which I consider a poetic masterpiece, not just through words, but graphically too.

Hi. I am in a dark mood which got worse after eating some corn chips. Had a kind of bad day as I think my tax guy is mad at me cause I called him at nine this morning questioning a refund I got from the state, as I did not expect one and thought he filed my taxes wrong, which he actually did this year, though am not sure he filed it, as I caught the error when he emailed me what I owed, as he said I owed nothing, and I knew that was wrong. He then corrected it, but I asked him in an email if he had filed the form with the error already. Unfortunately he didn't answer that question, just told me what I really owed, but yesterday I got paranoid again when I received the refund, as I thought I got it because of his original error .Sounds crazy but I have unbearable anxiety every year about my tax guy possibly refusing to do my taxes and now I have to wait another whole year to find out, as he already did them this year and even already cashed the check I gave him. I know this is pathetic. Anyway I realized afterwards I may have woken him up as it was his home number and he sounded very irritated. I understand it is very boring, and to anyone who actually read the above, I apologize. Plus I just ate some vaguely semi-rancid corn chips and am debating if I can return half a bag to the store as I returned the last bag which was a little more rancid than this bag, but I returned it when it was still full.

So this is kind of self-centered detail verging on nihilism, right? The minutia of other people's lives would have to be hell, which is maybe why one cannot imagine interconnected with them. Obviously there is no way to really connect to other people without using the imagination, but would horror rectify it? Well I guess, maybe, if the main characters, or at least the very best ones, survive, but imo it still makes limited sense. Are joy and logic on the same tape or are they antithetical? For me they are generally on the same tape. There is that possibility, and it is generative, or at least can be, but I get the idea from reading your writings that the two worlds or dimensions are in some ways not really interconnecting for you? Is this true?

If so, there should be a formula to correct the discrepancy. When I think cats, a cat is to me sensation and intelligence interconnected with delightful movement in the most wonderful way. And it purrs and cuddles. I used to love-bite very gently my cat's ear. Very very gently. It was so clean. That is the last cat I had whose grave I almost dug up a few days after she died just to see her one more time I loved her so much.

Now how does the classical music you mention reconcile with hell/nihilism? Imo there is a discrepancy factor which means there is hope. Many things you have written indicates that you are kind of stuck, or, to look at it creatively, poised between two dimensions. My suggestion is to not let dead stuff pull you back. Imo the object of transformation, meaning ones living self, would need to be generative, so able to be spouted; the quality of a seed.

Just a kind of old person writing this, but signed, "little girl"