Seeking resources for 35-year-old male with Asperger's

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Hi guys,

I've been following your posts for a while, and today I really need some advice.

Me [36F] and my boyfriend [35M] have been together for 6 months. We love each other very deeply and have tons of projects together for the future. However, we often have lots of misunderstandings because my "neurotypical" brain can't make sense of his brain with Asperger's. Our last fight nearly broke us up.

I just started reading a book on neurodiverse couples which I feel will help me tremendously to be much more understanding towards him.

My boyfriend on the other hand still struggles sometimes to "treat me right" despite my giving him what I think are "clear instructions" on how to better empathise with me in order to improve our relationship overall.

He will start receiving medical help in a couple of months (we are in a country where there are waiting lists). However, he would like to find some resources that could help him right now ahead of his treatment with a specialist.

There are lots of books and blogs and websites out there to help partners of people with Asperger's, but not much is aimed at helping people with that syndrome. If you know of any resources, can you guys please share them with me?

I would be forever grateful if some of you could share anything that has significantly and measurably helped you.

These are my boyfriend's words regarding what he is looking for:

"I'd like some examples of exercises people have tried to build empathy and other emotional skills that I don't have. I need something solid to work on, but I don't know what I need because I don't know what I'm missing."

Many thanks!

In my first meeting with my psychologist when I found I have ASD a bit less than two years ago, he lent me a book called "The Journal of Best Practices" by David Finch.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/111 ... -practices

I'm not sure it has the "exercises to build empathy" in it that you're looking for, but it does definitely document the struggle that he and his wife went through (successfully) to learn to be a successful and happy neurodiverse couple. And it's pretty entertaining to boot.

I think you would both enjoy it.

This is a list of good traits that many Aspies exhibit:
* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends. * Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”

In general, Aspies are very direct which mean that it is important to say exactly what you mean. Also Aspies tend to communicate better in writing than speaking. So if it is important, you might write it down and give it to him so he can properly absorb your concerns.

Good on you both for trying like this.

I enjoyed the journal of best practices book, some time ago. It may have helped somewhat.

For you, or for you both, I also recommend a long YouTube video, pop some popcorn if that's your thing, and put it on the TV one evening:

https://youtu.be/qpitsA-0pBQ

All the best

Thank you guys for your help! We will definitely have a look at the book and video you suggested.

Sorry this got so long-winded. Have you ever considered accepting your boyfriend exactly as he is rather than making efforts to change him to meet your expectations? One of the most evil things that Aspies constantly encounter is that condescending attitude that we are somehow defective and that this defect needs to be fixed. This is not always conveyed in an explicit manner but is often implied, hidden behind words of good intention such as people who are sure they are doing what is helpful for another person rather than truly listening and supporting what that person tells you he needs for himself. This is one of the things that Tony Attwood objects to so strongly in the way we are treated that allows him to understand the challenges that autism poses. It is what sets him apart from so many other therapists who take the view of fixing a defect that does not exist rather than accepting people exactly as they are. You must be careful in selecting a doctor to not end up with one of the ones who takes that fix-it view because they can do more harm than good. Also don't forget the Biblical teaching against attitudes of, "brother, let me help you remove the mote from your eye". It's all the same thing. Ask yourself how you might feel if somebody suggested that it was possible to "fix" you as a female by some means or another. It would quickly be labeled as misogyny but is no different from the attitude that those of us with autism constantly encounter. You can try to train a chimpanzee to sing opera but in the end it will only annoy the chimp.

One of the things that bothers me the most about your post is the last sentence in which you quote your boyfriend's desire to find "exercises to build empathy". When I see that I ask myself if you have pressured him to the point of actually believing that he wants to be anything but himself. I must wonder if it is what he really wants for himself or if he wants this because you want him to want it. A 1960s psychologist named John Lilly is quoted as saying, "what one believes to be true either is true or will become true in the realm of the mind". The only mate I ever had dumped me traumatically in 1995 after 15 months of constant efforts to change me into something I am not. Those of us with autism are highly malleable and will often mimic the behavior we see or sense in others (it's a trait called mirroring) or that others convince us is what we need. Google "autism mirroring" but skip over the links mentioning "mirror neuron", which is something else. This is a good way to create conforming puppets such as you might find in a North Korean military parade but not a good way of creating unique human beings who make the most of who they really are. One of my favorite quotes comes from Bruce Lee, "Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it".

The solution all begins with awareness and understanding. You have made a good start in finding WrongPlanet. Take some time to read many of the posts here because in doing so you will learn a lot. Read some of Tony Attwood's writings and watch his videos for a truly enlightened view of autism. The user "jimmy m" has given you a good start with his list of traits above. I will take it a step farther and give you a list of a few links below that have been especially helpful to me or that resonate strongly with my own Aspie nature. Good luck to both of you.

Links:

The following article was of immeasurable help to me in understanding myself when I was first diagnosed in 2010. Wikihow maintains an archive of past article editions but no longer makes an index available too all versions. I use the first link as my main reference but all of them have unique points. There is a typo in the paragraph about opinion, which is obvious in context and got corrected in later versions.

How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger's Syndrome (12/29/10 Version)

http://www.wikihow.com/index.php?title= ... id=5425285

How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger's Syndrome (3/9/12 Version - Last Version Before It Got Chopped)

http://www.wikihow.com/index.php?title= ... id=7403667

How to Relate To an Autistic Person (Main Link - Current Version) - Be sure to look at the comments regarding the criticism that we constantly face.

http://www.wikihow.com/Relate-To-an-Autistic-Person/

Tony Attwood Main Page and several selected writings, quotes and videos

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php ... e-criteria

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... ny+Attwood

"You don’t suffer from Aspergers, you suffer from other people!” - Tony Attwood - So true.

http://www.aspieinthefamily.com/2011/06 ... suffering/

http://sunnyhomeschool.blogspot.com/201 ... s-you.html

Excerpt From Above Tony Attwood Quote In Following Movie

Clay Marzo - Just Add Water (Full Movie)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-F6uB4xt8o

Attwood Clip From Above Movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKRIRZEV4B4

Attwood suggests Aspergers might be next stage in human evolution (very last sentence in video). First 3-5 minutes of this 30 minute video summarize his views well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdQDvLXLqiM

Albert Einstein wrote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/04/06/fish-climb/

List of famous Aspies - Who would suggest that these people needed fixing?

http://incorrectpleasures.blogspot.com/ ... rtant.html

Those of us with autism constantly experience a near total social exclusion by others that few people can understand because it is so different from their own experiences. It can be downright cruel. For me, this kind of exclusion began in nursery school when I was 4 years old and has continued non-stop through adulthood (I'm 68 now, going on 69). The simple things in life that others take so much for granted are placed so far beyond our reach that we can't even dream of them. You might say that with each other, this isn't a problem for your boyfriend. However by understanding what he may have lived through before the two of you met, you will be better able to understand the person he is now. A couple of years ago I began seeing one story on CNN after another about autistic kids facing this kind of exclusion, mostly at their birthday parties. I began keeping a list of them and within only three weeks had seen five such stories. One such story might be dismissed as a random event but when multiple kids of varying ages experience the same thing in a wide variety of different places, it begins to take on a pattern of abuse. Actually I see these kids as fortunate... I can't remember any of my own birthday parties in 68 years when anybody was present other than family... and to celebrate my 33rd birthday, my boss asked me to work late until midnight. I originally kept the article links but news links come and go. Google will find stories regardless of the news service involved so I now list these as Google search links.

Hallee Sorenson - 18 y/o in ME - Nobody showed up for her 18th birthday

https://www.google.com/#q=Hallee+Sorenson+Autism

Hallee Sorenson - Original Facebook appeal by her cousin

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid ... 6661193239

Brayden Hubbard - 3 y/o in OK - parents of all 200 invited kids declined, Fire Dept saved the day

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Br ... ard+Autism

Bo Paske - 11 y/o in FL - nobody would sit with him at lunch table so college football star did

https://www.google.com/#q=Bo+Paske+Mont ... dle+School

Christopher Cornelius - 11 y/o in NJ - When asked on school assignment who his friends were, he said "no one". This finally got attention.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Ch ... ius+Autism

Braden Garnett - 11 y/o in IL - only 2 of 36 RSVP'd to party invitation, so police showed up instead

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=Br ... ett+Autism

It recently happened again in Nov 2017 to an autistic kid in Waycross, GA.

Autism Holden - 7 y/o in GA - nobody showed up to party so Fire Dept did

https://www.google.com/search?&q=Autism+Holden+Bridges

It happens absolutely ALL of the time and most such stories don't make the news. We are left to live lives as castoffs abandoned to rot alone by the side of the road and nobody cares. Understand what your boyfriend has lived with in life and it will go a long way to closing the gap between you.

Enough said... This has become way too long... I will sign off now.

...Huh.

_________________
Renal kidney failure, congestive heart failure, COPD. Can't really get up from a floor position unhelped anymore:-(.
One of the walking wounded ~ SMASHED DOWN by life and age, now prevented from even expressing myself! SOB.
" Oh, no! First you have to PROVE you deserve to go away to college! " ~ My mother, 1978 (the heyday of Andy Gibb and Player). I would still like to go.
My life destroyed by Thorazine and Mellaril - and rape - and the Psychiatric/Industrial Complex. SOB:-(! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Hi TTRSage,

You're making some very good and valid points, and you could be right just as much as you could be wrong.

I should have mentioned in my original post that I am just a part of a bigger equation in my boyfriend's quest for being able to "relate to others". He is very often taken advantage of at work, and walked all over by some of his "friends". Why is that? Because he can't read other people. As I am typing this words, he is on the other side of the world where he especially travelled to visit an old friend of his who is sick with cancer, and where he realised after just a couple of days at her place that he was mostly invited to be this woman's servant and emotional punching bag for a week. That's without mentioning his latest landlady who literally abused him both emotionally and physically. Or some "friends" who can go years without saying "hi", and can't even be bothered to discuss his interests and his life when they finally do meet him.

These situations hurt him greatly, and unless he learns to better read people and their motives, they won't be stopping any time soon. All of that are other reasons why he would like to be able to read people, and I will do everything I can to help him.

Furthermore, he knows that I accept him exactly as he is. I've told him countless times that I would never want him to "change". He will actually read this post and hear it one more time. I *accept him as he is*! I am a very chatty person, and when I go to the restaurant with my friends, talking, talking and talking some more is a major part of the experience. Guess what? My boyfriend doesn't say a word when we eat out, and I don't care. Just being out with him is enough to make me smile for hours. Would I want him to talk more while we eat out? Probably, yes. However, like the Stones said: "you can't always get what you want, and if you try sometime you find you get what you need". That man is everything I *need*: intelligent, fun, passionate about many things, charming, kind, loving, affectionate, etc.

That said, I think I am not being too demanding and unreasonable to ask for comfort and support from my boyfriend when I hear that my aging sick dad is getting more and more ill. Same thing when he has 3 weeks off and decides to spend this whole time off at thousands of miles away from me "just because it didn't occur to him that he should have split that time between his girlfriend at home and his friends abroad". Now he's on his vacation and texting me non stop on WhatsApp instead of enjoying the splendid landscapes over there simply because "he misses me and wished I was there" - to such an extent that he asked me to join him last minute. These are just a couple of examples of the *several* times I've felt completely let down by him, and I have every right to feel this way.

I find your post quite judgmental and also bitter at the same time (and a tad misogynistic). It feels like you don't understand the important notion of "reciprocity" in a relationship whether or not one of the partners has autism. If I listened to you, I feel like I should be walking next to him, and not *with* him. Sorry but that's not what love is about. My boyfriend told me that he has many regrets in his life. Well, I love him so much that yeah, I will do everything I can to help him spend the next 50 years with very few regrets. And jumping to the conclusion that I haven't done my research on the topic is downright insulting while I've spent all my nights of the last 6 months reading books, blogs and websites on Asperger's.

Trust me, I think I have a good understanding of what he is going through. Just like you, he has been excluded all his life. It started in elementary school with a girl asking him "if he was a robot". He also has a sibling who won't accept him just the way he is and who constantly tries to make him do things he's not comfortable with. That said, things don't always have to be this way. Hence the medical help.

Yes, the therapy is aimed at us in order to better function as a couple, but it's also - and mostly - for him to be more assertive towards people who don't have his best interests at heart. It's also aimed at him developing good enough social skills in order to make new friends who will value and love him, and put an end to the loneliness that is killing him and that he doesn't deserve.

Let's not even get started on how all of this causes him to suffer from tremendous anxiety and subsequent health problems 24/7.

Yes, I want him to be able to say "f*ck off" to anyone who won't value him and respect him for who he is. And no, I don't want him to do it specifically "for me". In fact, I keep telling him that he needs to continue his work towards a better understanding of others regardless of me.

Before you go and say again that *I* want to turn my boyfriend into someone and something that he is not...

*He* wants to do all the aforementioned work in order to be one day 68 years old just like you and be able to remember many great birthday parties with sincere, genuine friends. *He* wants to work on his difficulty "getting" others in order to be able to say "No" when his boss tries to make him do unfair overtime work at the office. *He* wants to know when to show me love and respect without me asking.

*He* wants all of that, and I'm simply there to help him. And since I have the energy and resources for that, I WILL help him every way I can.

That said, I will heed your advice and be cautious about not falling in the trap of turning him into something that *I* want.

Thank you very much for your contribution and the many useful links you sent. And don't worry about the "gap" between me and my boyfriend. It is closing every day. There will be hurdles along the way, but on overall, we are happy and very much in love with each other. He is the most loving and affectionate man I have ever known, and we want to spend many, many years together.

Sorry you never had such a beautiful experience in your life, hence your anger and bitterness I guess.

Good luck to you.

@SplendidSnail

Thanks again for your recommendation.

I am lucky to have him as my boyfriend. He is wonderful on so many levels..

This is hands down the best aspie blog I know, and discusses among other things relationships. It's written by a woman, but I think it contains a lot of relevant info for you guys.

https://musingsofanaspie.com/

Best of luck!