Am I autistic?

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I always was a quiet kid, I never talked much in school, usually just reading or writing. I rarely communicated with grown-ups like teachers and never talk to doctors. My parents always said: "Oh, she's just shy!" I always was struggling with math and exact sciences - numbers hurts my head. But I was into writing and drawing. I don't remember having any sensory issues or do flapping or stimming (maybe it was stim when I could scratch my mole on the neck for hours... I still do that sometime). I could walk alone to school and back, but never going somewhere alone, without my parents or sister, and I would always hold their hand while walking. When I was 14, doctor said I maybe have an autism, because I was silent and looking down during regular appointment. I never had a relationship and never been kissed, but I had a crushes on girls in my school days.

When I finished high school I became a recluse and rarely leave my appartment. Now I'm 27 years old. I still not walking outside without my parents, I can't do chores or even make myself a tea, because it's too hard and complicated for me. I'm scared of other people and talk only with my parents (but now I don't meet other people anyway). I'm have a childlike person and behavior, I love to watch children cartoons - from Peppa Pig and PAW Patrol to Gravity Falls and Adventure Time. But I also can watch adult TV shows and movies and even talk about grow-up stuff (but I don't know about this very much). In the house I'm always carry around my stuffed doll and sleep with a stuffed rabbit (without them I feeling nervous). I always have a special interests - usually it's a character from the book, TV show or comic book.

I think, in last several years my condition is worsened, I'm more leaning on my routine and rules, have a panic attack pretty frequently, start to using fidget cube to calm myself down, loud sounds start to really worrying me and cause me to panic, I feel pain even from slightest touches and I feel myself more small and childish than ever. But I'm not sure if I'm autistic, because in my childhood I would considered myself almost normal, just a shy and overprotected kid, without sensory issues or stims. I can't go to specialist for diagnosis because I'm too scared and because I don't think that doctor in my russian small town know much about adult autism anyway. :/

Sorry for any grammar errors, by the way.

We don't know.

No one here has is trained and licensed to render a valid diagnosis of a developmental disorder based on a set of subjectively-observed symptoms reported through a posting on a social website.

You would be better off to seek the counsel of an appropriately-trained and licensed mental health professional.

Good luck.

Hi Lexie,

Fnord is correct in that we cannot diagnose you. I recommend taking one of the autism quizzes like Simon Baron Cohen's AQ (this one has peer-reviewed research basking it up). This can give you an idea of whether your suspicions are correct although it is not a definitive diagnosis.

From your description it is likely you have some mental health condition, although many of them have overlapping symptoms, and many of them are co-morbid.

You mentioned you are in a small town, and are afraid to go see the doctor because you don't think "he understands it anyways." Your statement was ambiguous as to whether this doctor is a psychiatrist or a general practitioner? If he's a psychiatrist seeing him may still be helpful even if he isn't an expert in autism. Psychiatric care significantly helped me deal with my anxiety before we knew I was autistic.

P.S. Your grammar was fine for an internet forum, and better than the standard many native english speakers will hold for themselves.

Simon Baron Cohen's AQ is probably the most reliable on-line quiz there is, but you will still need an official diagnosis if you are seeking treatment or dispensations.

Most on-line quizzes rely heavily on subjective experiences, so confirmation bias is a major concern. They also seem to be inherently biased toward a positive result -- even entering responses that should render a negative result has given me a "diagnosis" of some form of ASD.

And, of course, those quizzes seem to feature a lot of pop-up advertisements for ASD therapists, weighted blankets, and gluten-free foods.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

As Fnord has written, "No one here has is trained and licensed to render a valid diagnosis of a developmental disorder based on a set of subjectively-observed symptoms reported through a posting on a social website."

There are some on-line tests that can give you an approximation. Here is a link to one called the AQ tests:
Take the online Asperger’s Test

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I have already done research before, in 2012, when I had my first suspicions about me, and now - and I have already done several online tests. All of them showed results more than the norm. But I never knew whether I could trust them or not.
God, I feel so stupid now. Sorry to bother everyone, I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe I just wanted to know if autism can get worse with age or that sensory issues and stims are not most important symptoms of this condition. Anyway, can I somehow remove my post? Pretty please?

Autism does not change in severity. However autistic traits can get more pronounced as we get older because there is more responsibilities and expectations put upon us. Also constant “masking” or “pretending be normal” can cause mental exhaustion or burnout inhibiting our ability hide traits autistic or otherwise.

One does not need to have every autistic trait to be autistic. It is common for autistics to have some autistic traits that are mild and other that are really inhibiting.

You may stim and not think of it as stimming. While hand flapping is the stereotype there are many different types of stimming. The important thing is why these things are done.

The same concept applies for sensory issues. There are a number of ways to be atypical sensory wise.

Thanks for the links. Wow, I probably do have a sensory issues - now I understand that I always was very sensitive to taste and smell (even had a hallucinations). I can't wear unironed fresh-washed clothes or sleep under unironed blanket, because it make me cringe. I do like to touch various things because of their texture or sounds they make - but I always think I'm just kinestetic. Also I have a synestesia - letters and words are all different colors for me. I still can't find something like stims in my past, maybe some body rocking or leg bouncing or two fingers clapping or scratching my mole, but I do listen one song again and again - all day (or all week) long. So maybe I do have an autism...

Now the question is how do you want to handle your suspicions. Be satisfied and deal with your traits or get a professional diagnosis.

A professional diagnosis can validate your suspicions and make you eligible for benefits and supports. If you are not autistic a non autism diagnosis can clarify things. Not getting a professional diagnosis can save you a lot of time and money and some people do not need a professional to tell them they are autistic knowing they probably are Autistic is enough, while some people become confused and in same cases even paralyzed by doubts without professional validation.

Are you significantly inhibited by your autistic traits? If you are you probably do need the help of a professional.

Whether you are autistic or not many people here at wrong planet have dealt with traits associated with autism. So this can be a place to find coping methods or just vent.

Grapheme-color synesthesia is something I wish I had. Sadly, I do not. It would make spelling words, and knowing when something's not spelled correctly, a lot easier. At least, I think it would.

What's your experience in this area?