Gaslighting / narcissistic parent(s)

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Hey chaps..

I'm really struggling with my MH lately..

Just wondering if anyone has a parent or parents who is narcissistic, how do you deal with it... I'm worn down by verbal abuse/neglect/traumatic behaviour...

And gaslighting..

Both of my parents are dismissive / trivialise my problems relating to autism.

One has literally said "I don't want you to mention aspergers".. and "You are using it as an excuse"

Why would anyone use autism as an excuse

It gives me a headache trying to think why someone would even suggest that ?

It's a proper headf**k because I've been trying to process a late diagnosis in 2016...

Unexpectedly many of us have history of narcissistic abuse by their parents.
Denial and gaslighting on daily basis.
I don't know why it's so common.

Actually my stepdad (who isn't abusive but is just stupid sometimes) hates it when I use dyspraxia as an excuse and said 'dyspraxia isn't really a disability though' even though it is and even though it was affecting what I was trying to do at the time...

I'd consider my dad's treatment of me (picking fights everywhere he went all my life then minimising it to two incidents when I finally bring it up age 30) abusive. Or my dad's inability to stop stalking me if we're out together in public (like giving me a bit of space) or the way my dad was in private with me (I'm slowly realising the physical contact we had was outside of the realms of 'normal' parent child interaction)

Sounds like trauma @TUF What age did you get recognised/diagnosis of ASD?

I figure parents who don't spot autistic traits in their kids early on already shows a lack of awareness or familiarity with what it means.

I didn't know the narc-parent was common though @magz

I have a couple of theories for denial and gaslighting..

1. Familiarity - unless a person has really 'overt' symptoms eg nonverbal or punching self in face - it's still a "hidden illness" some people can't imagine someone else thinks differently and eg sensory overstimulation is not a shared experience... he/she "looks alright"

2. Acceptance - depending on age of diagnosis and parents, the parent might have to address conflicts with their past judgements, which if faulty or accusatory induces cognitive dissonance and pricks the ego. Easier to just believe "Sod the expert panel diagnosis - I was right to slag off my offspring for failing to cope.. they are lazy/useless/pathetic etc!"

3. Normality - the parents are accustomed to the differences in behaviour exhibited, therefore that is 'their' normal.. they can't comprehend there might be a deficit between their internalised image of how their son or daughter processes information in their head and the physical being before them!

Neither of mine have bothered to read my report

They seem to think they have a better idea of how my brain works than I do

I think I was 11, I got my dyspraxia one when I was about 4 (which is before I met my stepdad) but mum wanted to think that all the rest of me was 'unique' or 'just me'. She was scared of me being autistic but at the same time she loved the positive traits of it, how unique I was. So she only bothered to get me diagnosed before secondary, as secondary was a bigger school and I might actually come across hurdles there.

I didn't until we moved again.

My stepdad has always known I'm dyspraxic. But he's of an older generation (he's 76? I'm not sure, but he's in his 70s) so he kind of chooses not to believe in dyspraxia and dyslexia. Me and mum have dyspraxia and mum has dyslexia (diagnosed later in life) and he points things out as if they're deliberate clumsiness or stupidity on our part. Part of it is that he's extremely pedantic so he points out spelling mistakes. Part of it is that he's extremely honest and unaware of how the other person feels - so he points out when someone spilt something like they're not embarrassed enough already.

He means well, though, that's the difference. He just doesn't understand that the world has changed since the 50s. I've been told off on here for saying he's a bit aspie but I feel as if he does have a lot of traits which nowadays would be seen as autistic.

Mum prefers autistic people. People don't believe that NTs can do that, but she does. She likes how we're always so passionate about things and how we're often quite honest and how we're usually unique sorts of people.

My dad takes things too far in the way of gas lighting and other abusive parenting. He shouldn't have been a dad. I'm glad I exist but I'm also glad I cut ties with him. He never had a good model of parenting growing up so in comparison to his own dad, he was good but still... Most of my childhood he was on and off absent from anyway, he spent big chunks of it abroad and it was always at a distance we got along better.

I don't think the parents I actually grew up with were abusive. Sometimes it can just be a generation gap. There are a lot of stereotypes about autism which not all autistic people fill. And dyspraxia/dyslexia weren't known about in the past and even in my own childhood dyscalculia was just beginning to be understood.

The parents I grew up with were weird but in a fun way. We spent a lot of time at museums and playing imaginary role playing games etc. It was a fun childhood but maybe not conventional. They'd pull me out of school so I could go fossil hunting with them or learn about trees - my stepdad has an encyclopaedic knowledge of how to tell trees apart.

I was 16 when I was told I was autistic but I was receiving help for it before then. At first I was scared because 'Asperger's syndrome' and 'Alzheimer's' sounds similar. But then I learnt what it was, spent the first six months or so as an aspie supremacist before realising there are just different people in the world and the world isn't really set up for my kind of people and my sensory issues suck.

Can you show them some scientific studies in order to persuade them?
My mum used to think that I use autism as an excuse as well, but she changed her mind (albeit after many years) after she finished some books about autism.

Thank you for sharing your personal story!

The above line stood out to me, because the gaslighting.. the disregard for my daily suffering.. the constant criticisms, it's undermined my mental health and self esteem since I was a teen.. I have thought about cutting loose and moving

But then I would have no family... at all.. there is no extended family, and I hate to admit that I need support, from somewhere, even though I'm being emotionally exploited.

Wish I could get a job and support myself..


@SuSaNnA Unfortunately not, I would soon get more abuse if I tried to produce a scientific study or anything, talked down to as if I'm an idiot. Really, they cannot be bothered. I suppose if my parents acknowledge the truth, they have to take responsibility for their treatment of me and adjust their behaviour, and it's just easier to pretend it's not happening and continue the cycle of narcissism / abuse

For centuries, up until not-too-long ago, lots of people didn't know what it meant. Even people with said traits didn't have a name for it.

That said, I theorize parents often do notice something "odd" or "different" about their child and justify gaslighting as an attempt to normalize the child...as if they can shame him or her into being more normal by blaming the child for the strange behaviors and strange happenstance. (Poor logic, doesn't help at all, but it seems to be a default behavior that many parents of AS kids have. Maybe parents with NT children would also behave this way if they suddenly had an AS child).

I also think a lot of it is used a control mechanism. They observe, and then exploit, their AS child's poor perception of the world to use shame/guilt/fear as a means of control, something they might not be able to do as easily in trying to control an NT child.

A lot of people in that generation don’t “get” autism. My uncle has actually said that he doesn’t believe in “psychology.” Apparently, we are solely driven by instinct.

Maybe it’s a defense mechanism because they don’t want to admit that they might have some struggles themselves. In some ways, it was harder back then because there was no understanding of neurodiversity or any number of psychological problems. If you weren’t a success, you were lazy or not trying hard enough.

I even encountered that as I was growing up. I was always told that I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was doing the best that I could. When there’s finally an explanation for your troubles, parents have to either admit that they were wrong in some aspects or that the diagnosis is an insufficient excuse. It seems like your parents have chosen to keep with the status quo rather than admit that they might not have been the perfect parents.

It is narcissistic, for sure. I think it’s really empowering for kids (adults and otherwise) when parents try to understand what’s going on, have an open mind, and admit that they might not always have made the right parenting choices.

If nothing else, you can learn through their bad example to treat others with compassion, understanding, and an open mind.