Is it Autism or am I just selfish?

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It's been about a full year, I got diagnosed back in 2017. I had moved on from it and didn't really think much of after the initial breakdown.....but things have gotten worse.

I'm very much into movie making and all that stuff, and I was doing some volunteer ending for a company near me....but I think I've angered them and may have been let go. I like the two people who run it, I wanna talk to them to see if I am being a bit weird and if I can change anything....but I'm to scared

I was asked to act in plays, but I don't have the courage to act anymore. I used to love making people laugh in theater shows, but I was bullied in Drama class and embarrassed myself at the Uni one and now I can't even speak for 5 seconds before my own voice weirds me out. So I have given up acting.

I find it hard to keep friendships going, I was cyberbullied by group of friends who made fun of the autism I had cause I didn't have a "banter" attitude. They would also send me videos of animals in pain cause they knew stuff like that made me cry, several other friends just stopped answering my messages.
I don't know who considers me their friend or if they even want me in their lives anymore.

Is what I'm feeling a real thing that autism can make someone feel like? or am I just a selfish jerk?

I'm not really sure if I'm qualified to discuss whats normal as I'm also "aspie". I think having negative situations in life will make you feel negatively about the prospect of putting yourself in the same situations again.

I can safely say I have zero friends because I find it really hard to "keep it going" and the reason for this I believe is because I lack emotional attachment. I'm not sure if its the case with you or not.

Lacking the courage to do something you've previously had negative experiences with isn't selfish in my opinion.

Sometimes there is only one way in your life. Kick your own ass and try to talk to the people. Otherwise you'll may regret it you whole life and always feel ashamed that you not even were trying it.

I don't get how reacting to very cruel and negative things that your "friends" have done to you makes you selfish. Why do you feel selfish?

For many years before I was diagnosed I hated myself because I thought I was just selfish for wanting (ie needing) a lot of time alone which clashed with having a family. I would try to force myself from having alone time. It never worked and would end up in a shutdown or a meltdown which would then make me feel more selfish. The spiral would simply continue.

Realizing that I'm not selfish for needing alone time to function was a huge thing for me and has allowed me to love and accept myself. I value myself now.

Some others who I have told this story to reckoned I was picked on because I couldn't crack jokes on the same level as them or understand their banter

Very possible. That doesn't make it right for them to bully you, but that could be why they did it. Why do you feel selfish though?

I question a lot of what I'm doing, how people see me....

I just feel like I struggle with being who I am so much that it leads me to.....I do a variety of things that I think are hurting me

I'm sorry this is all really hard to explain , I keep typing and deleting

Forget about those schmucks on the Internet

Make those films!

No, that's not selfish. If anything, you should probably have more regard for yourself. Consider your interests & goals. Try to stay positive and don't let the bad attitudes of others determine how you live your life.

If the place you were working hasn't told you that you've been let go, it's probably worth checking back in. Let them know you enjoy working for them and hope they feel the same way (and if not, what you can change to fix that). Whether it works out or not, at least you tried.

People often think autists are selfish - because of our tendency to talk about ourselves, and not react appropriately to others.
It's not really selfishness, though, it's just the nature of our brain wiring.
If other people make their meaning clear and tell us directly what they need from us, we're as generous as the next person.

Blaming yourself for the bad behavior of others is a common problem. Our behavior is the one thing that we have some control over, as we replay our actions that started a problem that we wanted to avoid. Remember, when someone wants to cause you trouble, they will regardless of what you do. Many times, I waited for an opportunity to strike back. And when all was in my favor, boom, hit fast and hit hard. They will remember, even if you get the crap kicked out of you. I am not advocating violence, there are many ways to fight back and you need to plan it carefully.

Having the courage to be yourself and ignore the taunts of others is very difficult. Being the victim is much easier. Do yourself a big favor and cultivate a relationship with someone at the theater who can act as your adviser. Trusting others is not easy, but there are a few people worthy of that honor.

You sound sensitive and nice. Unfortunately there are people who have chosen to take on a role in life of trolling and hurting others, often because they have been hurt too and swear to make everyone else suffer especially the vulnerable.

There are good people out there too, you will meet them. Go for what you love, maybe explain that you are autistic if you feel safe enough to do so, and enjoy the movie industry.

I just feel like I get carried away with myself at times, like a few days ago my older brother asks if I'm interested in seeing in the new Child's Play when it comes out and I think "Heck yeah! I love those movies, we can see the new one"

So we go and see it and I have a blast watching it...my brother though doesn't seem to be enjoying himself.

He later reveals he just wanted to get out of the house, didn't really care what the activity was, felt like the cinema and decided to see that cause he found out I was keen but didn't hate the movie...just didn't have the love for it I did....I felt selfish for that cause I was unintentionally making it all about me

Not really, your brother askedyou if you wanted to go. It's great you two have such a good relationship.

I'd say that is OK. You and your brother both benefit. Yes, it would be great if you both loved the movie but real life isn't like that. Maybe next time you both will go to something he really wants to see and you will just tag along to get outside the house and perhaps pick up some social skills by observing people around you.