Should governments criminalise shaming of singles/virgins?

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You get warned for saying someone's harmed you? Are you talking about when you report that person or when you bring them up in a topic they haven't taken a part in?

Have you considered that you might be addicted to shame? You continuously post threads about how you are shamed, but when presented with different tools to address your issues by people in the same boat you quickly cast off the suggestions and ruminate on how bad American women are. Pity parties and misery feel self validating, but they don't help you out in the end. I have a difficult time connecting with people, my last girlfriend ghosted me, and I have zero sexual desire. I love a good rant from time to time, but if that was all I did than being a miserable complainer would become my identity. I keep myself busy with work and my dogs, and look forward to having a long one-sided conversation somewhere down the road with a woman who makes the mistake of bringing up the horror genre.

I highly recommend you read some Brenet Brown. She writes about shame and offers some great insight.

Also, criminalizing speech isn't what this Country was founded on. Todays victim can easily become tomorrow's offender, so be careful what you wish for.

To be fair that particular comment isn't really trash talk...sure maybe it was a bit insensitive, but it is kinda true you end up posting quite a few threads with the same story and complaints so I guess I could see people getting a little burnt out on that I think that is more what they mean...its just so much of the same stuff it can get a little annoying. I mean a while back when I was newer here I posted a lot of negative threads about my struggles I was having and looking back on those I did a lot of repeating and just self loathing and some people here did express frusteration of me continuously posting that stuff. I certainly got some better responses and such when I started actually thinking about some of what was said to me and you know doing some work in my own life to improve things. I can't look back thinking everyone hated me or was trash talking...they just were sick of so many of my negative posts and losing patience.

I guess my advice is try not to take it so personally, I know it sucks when you're in pain and it seems no one is really understanding it....but everyone has limits, I guarantee most people here do not want you to fail...if some do then well screw them, its your life what say should they have? But I really do think most posters here do hope you the best they just get fed up trying to give advice that doesn't seem gets acknowledged and it can frusterate them. Like the comments of focusing on other things than getting a girlfriend are not an indication posters here hope you don't get a relationship. They are concerned you're so stuck on that issue and trying to encourage you to build yourself up as a person and not attach your personal value to whether you have a girlfriend or not.

I would suspect most people who have responded to your threads or comments are not trying to be malicious to you.

Prolonged or public bullying should be prohibited and persecuted, with smaller cases adding to the criminal account. The bulky should routinely be obliged to pay damages.

Right? My advice to the OP: forget about this virginity shaming nonsense. This obsession you have with it is at such an extreme that you want to criminalize it for feck sake. What should be shamed is this incel manifesto in the making.

Well, that meetup was not very enjoyable. At best, alright with a negative slant.

I went dressed in John Lennon 1975 style, complete with jacket, retro glasses and beret:




Apparently this look made people stare at me the whole time.

As expected, I was asked about my dating life. However, I used the technique of deflecting as given above. Some guy in his mid-40s started up with the dating questions. I said, "Oh, not really, nothing much, how about you?". Thankfully he did not press, and instead talked about his six ex-girlfriends and his current German girlfriend. I thought that it was unnecessarily showing off, but I managed to not have to explain my virginity or sex life to him. Not that I would have, because I have a "media blackout" now on revealing that type of information. The guy just went on and on about each of his ex-girlfriends. He seemed quite proud of himself.

I did notice that many women seemed to avoid me, yet many men approached me to talk to me. The only woman who came up to talk to me was in her 60s. She was a first-time attendee. She told me that people seemed very unfriendly for a social gathering, and that people were often in cliques and often shunned other people for no reason. She told me how she was having trouble talking to people because they were ignoring her for no reason. I found that interesting, because that is how I felt. I also found it quite sad.

My only acquaintance was there, so I talked to him. I was visibly awkward throughout the night. Unexpectedly, he very respectfully asked me if I had some social problems. So I told him that I had Asperger's. At least he still accepts me as an acquaintance to talk to.

^ In all honesty, I would've probably given you a bit longer look than appropriate as well had I been there. Not saying that you look bad, but definitely something one doesn't see every day, not around here at least. Especially the glasses.

Bravo, that's exactly the way one should handle it if they want the subject to be dropped! You didn't say "none of your business" or anything of the like, but didn't end up giving out any information you didn't want to, eiher. I recommend keeping up with those kind of vague answers from now on too.

Did you try to steer the conversation to some other topics than his exes? Hobbies, work, anything? If you didn't, then do so next time that you don't like the topic of the conversation you're having. Of course, not everyone gets the hint even when you try to change the topic, but that either tells that a: that person is also lacking in social skills or b: lacks manners.

What about the other way around? Did you approach any women? Or only men? Neither? It's better to show some interest yourself as well. As for why you were mostly approached by men, well, from what the American men on this forum say, it's rare in America for a woman to approach a man, a lot rarer than in Europe apparently, so maybe it's just that men don't get approached by women? Or did the women there approach the other men?

My mind just takes being told to “stop looking for a girlfriend” as in to not want a relationship at any point in the future. It would ease my mind if I was told that they aren’t telling me they don’t want me to have a girlfriend.



The latter. They can bring up my name out of the blue or even give unprovoked personal attacks toward me but if I try to defend myself, it’s like I committed a crime.

I would recommend that you just go and report people if they bring up your name in a situation where you see it to be uncalled for, especially if it's a personal attack. If you're worried that there's some particular mod who doesn't like you and that the complaints go to him/her, PM several other mods about any personal attacks or otherwise insulting messages as well. I would think that at least one of them would either do something about it or, if you asked for it, give you a detailed explanation on why they don't see it as a personal attack that requires them to take action.

How was that 18h00 meeting?

Congratulations on your success with the new, milder style of response. It certainly sounds as if you are on the right track. I'd just like to point out that NTs have more of an aptitude, and have been practising for years, so you have just gotten a hint of what is possible. The difference between a successful stand-up comic and his early performances is huge in results, but very subtle to describe. There's precise inflection and timing, and also an easy familiarity with performing, so that some useful stock responses to interruptions pop up instead of making him stop to think.

Yep... that's how you do it. Deflect and get them to talk about themselves. As you get better you can ask questions but that all comes with practice.




People form cliques because they are familiar with each other. If you keep going to these Meetups, some people will become more familiar with you and you will probably naturally be blended in with some of the people.

That's assuming, of course, that you continue to work on being less abrasive and less defensive. The friendlier you are, the more accepting people will be of you. It just takes practice. And it's not going to happen overnight.

One person has been particularly bad about bringing up my name and sending personal attacks against me while trying to claim he is sending constructive criticism. I have reported him and apparently he’s been told to not post in my threads or to my comments but he still does it anyway.



That’s been my experience with Meet Up groups. If you don’t drink alcohol, you are going to get pushed to the wayside. Even at the “Sci-Fi” one I used to attend, I wasn’t welcomed fully because I didn’t drink. Even though I’ve stated I’ve been to that group and had to stop going to it, I still get people here thinking I haven’t gone.

Report him again, then. Every time he makes a post that you consider to be offensive enough to be a personal attack or is against the rules.

Do the meetings always include alcohol or just sometimes? Personally, I always skip the meetings of the anime and manga -club that I'm a member of when I know alcohol will be involved and mostly stay clear of the areas where one can drink alcohol while I'm in conventions.

That I will do. I am not going to let him “command” me or continue acting rude to me and then crying foul when he can’t take it.

They always involved alcohol in one way or another. Either it would already be there or someone would bring it and I once tagged along with one of the women and another guy to a sports bar against my better judgment. She got drunk but gave her attention to the other guy instead of me. So much for it being a “sci-fi” group, huh?

Perhaps I am rare for the Asperger's stereotype here (?), but I am a moderate drinker. 100% of the meetups that I attend are in bars. I used to drink more heavily when I was a student and in my early 20s, but that was probably just a habit that I picked up from living in the UK. Even so, up to now I drink at least every couple of days. I have a Mediterranean diet (and life outlook), which means several glasses of wine with dinner, or if not, after dinner. Probably something that I am used to being part Spanish. I do not mind at all being around social settings in alcohol, what bothers me more is being around judgemental neurotypicals.

The difference is that when I attended socials during my studies in the UK, a lot of times they took place in quiet bars or quieter pubs. Or at least they were chosen for times when not many people were there except us in the social, such as a Wednesday night. This avoided a lot of the rowdy people, who usually were present on Friday and Saturday nights, or during a big football game. I preferred this system a lot more. Imagine just 30 members of your own social group in a pub, and just perhaps 5 or 6 other clients hanging around talking in the pub since it is a workday night. Very low noise level.

Over here the meetups tend to be in loud bars, the type that where sometimes the music and ambience gets so loud that even if you shout during conversation, the other person cannot hear you.

Last night it was at a moderately loud bar. But low turnout, which meant less noise. The low turnout was probably due to it being Christmas season.