Wanting to be popular and act less autistic

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Does anyone else want to be popular? I get jealous of the NTs in my college because they all have friends, relationships, and good jobs while I still live with Mommy and Daddy and work as a cleaner in a warehouse. I wish I didn’t have autism because I could get along socially. I feel I will never be independent.

When I was younger, I acted really autistic and played WOW all day. Now, I don’t really have an interest in the computer any more since I feel people who work on computers are considered “nerds” by society. I’d rather just blend in with everyone else.

Actually computers seem to be the road to independence for some autistic people. There are several companies now hiring autistic QA testers with little or no experience. And lots of people are trying to gain computer skills because the IT sector now has lucrative careers.

Anyways who is going to know that you use a computer at home? If people don't know, they can't judge you for it. You will likely not be happy if you give up things you like just to blend in.

In my experience (and I have an embarrassing amount of experience here), trying to fool people into thinking you're someone else, someone cool, is not an effective way to become popular, especially for people like us who stink at lying. As an adult, I find the more I learn to like myself and the more I can be open and laugh about my struggles, the more friends I get. Besides, haven't you heard about "geek-chic"? Having nerdy hobbies is trendy now!

Welcome to WP. You are beautiful and wonderful exactly as you are and people should appreciate you and love you for you. Don't try to be something that you are not. It doesn't work and will only hurt you in the end. Love the beautiful things about your authentic self and do your best to show them and don't be afraid to let people see the parts you don't like. The people who genuinely and sincerely love you will love you for who you authentically are. If you have to be something you are not for people to like you than those people do not deserve to know you. It's better to have one or two people who love you for you than a whole crowd of people you have to pretend for.

Welcome. You are perfectly entitled to have the urge to meet people and make friends. College is an excellent place to do that because there are so many different kinds of people. Don't look at a certain group (e.g. the "popular group) and compare yourself to them. The only thing that matters is YOU making friends if YOU want to.

Make a list of things you're interested in such as subjects you like to study, pastimes, hobbies, etc and you can assume there are clubs related to those interests you can join. That's a good way to meet people.

Check with guidance counselors and ask if they can advise you on ways to improve social skills. You're certainly not the only person in college who has challenges meeting other people. Guidance counselors can give good suggestions related to this too.

Right now there's probably not much fraternizing going on at colleges since the school year is ending and the pandemic is closing campuses.

When I was in college I volunteered for a wildlife rehabilitation center on campus that was part of the veterinary school. I liked that because there were only a few other volunteers at a time and I did well with talking with 1-2 other people as we cleaned cages, fed injured hawks, owls and eagles and re-bandaged their injuries. I also find animals calming.

Many people in college are not popular and lonely. You just don’t know that because people don’t tend to advertise their loneliness.

Do you have a “special interest?”

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 07 May 2020, 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That is so cool. It sounds like it was an awesome job. I would have loved it.

It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. Raptors are some of my favorite animals and to be that close to them, feed them, have them perch on my heavily gloved arm and hold them was amazing. The owls were a bit creepy though because they hiss and clack when they're scared.

WOW!! How awesome!! I am so happy for you that you had that experience!

Popularity usually accrues to those who are attractive, entertaining, wealthy, influential, or in possession of that which others desire. Like a magnet, popularity produces an attraction. However, not everyone that is attracted is of a character that is desirable. If one examines what attracts, it is often something that others desire. In a way popularity makes you a target for those who wish something from you. Many who achieve popularity regret it.

In the movie "The Big Short" one of the characters is an Asperger guy who met his wife through a dating site. His ad described him as socially awkward, having one eye, and $120,000 of student debt. His future wife responded that he was just the type she was looking for - honest.

It is only recently that I found out that I could be on the spectrum, but I will assume I am to write this. I, like you, tried my best to fit in and find ways to be part of things. I tried this for about 30 to 35 years. Eventually I realized that no matter how hard I tried through masking (I didn't know it had a name) and no matter how "Normal" I tried to make myself look (Ironically, the more I tried to act normal, the wierder I became!), I found that none of my efforts gained any lasting results, so I decided that if I wasn't fitting in, to just be who I am on the edge of society and if others don't like it then that is their problem.

And do you know why I made such an effort for such a long time? Because other people who tried to befriend me kept trying to convert me into what they saw as "Normal" and how they thought I should be. It was a constant "If you want to become one of the boys you have to act like this and don't do that... etc" I constantly felt humiliated and left out because of two things. The first was that I was never able to achieve these ways of thinking for long (That degree of masking is not perfect and difficult to maintain), and the second was that the others in these groups would not have to put any effort whatsoever and they were accepted. I was pointing the finger ad saying "What about him? You didn't tell him off when he did what I did, and yet you want me to change? Why not tell him off as well?" The answers I had did not explain things. It was like "He is one of the boys". (Well, why wasn't I when he did what I did?)
I just didn't get it! Why was I having to make almost impossible adjustments in an effort to try and be accepted when they others didn't try and were accepted as they are?
So eventually it came to me after many years that maybe I was never designed to be a group person. I have always been one who didn't fit in. When I realized this (And it was a long time before I found out what autism actually was so I could not explain things in this way), a sense of freedom to be different and it was ok to be myself came over me. It took me most of my life to reach that point. The relief came in that I disn't have to pretend anymore. Though it still did not answer any questions as to why I was different, and it didn't stop people trying to mould me to be carbon copies of them!

I spent a number of years of my life trying to be more popular. To have people that cared about me and not be so outcast and alone all the time. Come to find out, it didn't work out so well. People who are the most easily available tend to not be the best of people - either for poor/risky choices they make, or because they'll be friends with you on a conditional basis (such as you converting to their religion, for example.)


As for the internet, there's no harm in using it within moderation. Most anything that I've ever gotten in my life has been a result of people/things/places I found online. I found my gf of eight years via an online dating site. I've found people who have similar interests to my own on various forums, and have been accepted by them.

Just noticed it is your first post. Welcome to the Wrong Planet forum.

I don't want to be popular, per say. I do want to be helpful and friendly to those around me - that's hard to do with autism. It can be frustrating to be less functional than those around you, but remember that most of us on WP are already in the privileged minority of autistics in terms of ability. You should celebrate what you've accomplished and be grateful for what you can do. A genuinely well-liked person is never resentful or self-pitying. If you want people to like you, you need to focus on your character first and foremost, not your social ability.

I think being popular seems nice from the outside but in my opinion it comes with a different set of problems as there often seems to be drama with those groups. Whether they are nice popular people or not, people envy them and will try to make their lives hard because of it or talk about them negatively to feel better about themselves.

In addition the victory will probably feel empty because they won't know YOU. I have been in a situation similar to that and I hated it because not only did I still feel lonely but I wasn't having fun either because it wasn't me they were responding to. Also, those 'nerds' will probably be very successful.

I would rather be unseen by the majority and find a few 'weird' people that like me than be popular and have to fake friendships.

Right now I am kind of making it my goal in life to kill this mask, because it isn't serving me. My life is no different because I made it because I could not fit in no matter how hard I tried.

I think the thing that makes people 'popular' or whatever is something ASD people really can't detect on a sensory level. Whatever they have and give out we really can't pick it up. NT interrelation is so transactional anyway and I don't think we do that very well at all.

I agree w/ what someone above said a lot of times people are well-regarded because of what they have and the other people around them want it. Plus that 'charm' that makes so many people 'popular'...it's been too long for me to look back at high school/college and guess but at least in the adult world many of them are psychopaths and narcissists underneath that charisma that they have. Sometimes I wonder if that charisma comes from not having a conscience anyway, not being stressed out and worried about moral issues and so on and so forth.

There really is not any value in that concept and I don't think many ASD people attain 'popularity' because it is a hyper NT thing to be. It's like at the far end of the NT spectrum, most NT's don't even attain it.


I was a hundred percent miserable in college, that is when I first realized there was something really wrong with me but I had no clue what it was, that was when i started getting shuttled through one psychiatric diagnosis after another. The suggestions about getting to know people w/your common interests is the best one...a group of a few friends will go a long way toward making your life feel more satisfying, if that's what you want. I tried to fit in with the people immediately surrounding me in college and I was so miserable, like my suitemates and dorm roomates and I was nothing like them. But if you seek out people you have common interests with it will help you feel more content.