Effects of divorce on you?

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Hi all. I've only been lurking recently, haven't posted in a while. But I've got something I need your help with. You all probably don't remember me. My name is Scott, I've got a son, now 7, who is essentially right in the middle of the spectrum. Smart kid in his own ways, but has far more severe social and behavior issues than, say, an Aspie.

To get to the point, my wife (his mother) and I haven't been in a loving relationship for about six years now. We're essentially co-parenting under the same roof. We've stayed together for him -- both to give his world consistency, and because neither one of us could handle him on our own all the time. But neither one of us are happy with our marriage. We fight somewhat regularly, although we try to keep that away from him as much as possible. He's seen a few tense arguments, but nothing I would consider too out of the ordinary for most couples. We probably always figured we would get a divorce eventually, but maybe not until he's mature enough to understand a bit more.

Now, another woman has caught my eye that I think would make me much happier, and I'm considering divorce. My hope is that if we do get divorced, his mother and I are able to stay very amicable, even stay close and hang out and have dinner together often and go on our trips together and whatnot. But I'm horrified about how a divorce would effect our son. The best advice I get about raising him often comes from you all here, so I was hoping to get some thoughts from you all here about how divorce has possibly effected you. I keep reading that divorce almost always has negative long and short term effects on children, but I was hoping to get some first-hand experiences from those of you that have gone through it.

Thanks as always!

Scott

I probably wouldn’t seek a divorce now.

Especially if he definitely benefits from the presence of both of you together.

My parents separated when I was 11, divorced soon after. It didn’t affect me too much. Perhaps because my father came to see me once a week.

Something to think about...If neither of you can handle your son on your own, and you get to leave and have a relationship and your wife gets all the work and has no life, you are not going to stay amicable for long. So if you do this make sure you stay involved in his life with at least a 30/70 split in time between your homes. Your boy needs you, not expensive outings.

My one son has aspergers and I got divorced when he was in grade 7 - I thought it was best for everyone because we began to fight too much. My son had an eye twitch like you wouldn't believe every time his father was mentioned for years. His dad eventually stopped using his visitations. I'm not sure why but I think my son's attitude towards him made him feel second rate. From always thinking dad was #1 to barely acknowledging him and preferring to play with his brother. My son hasn't seen him in 5 years or so (now 29), and says he "can't be bothered" and "guys don't have feelings". He has very strong opinions about how he is going to raise his own family someday and he I still doesn't talk about his dad. In many ways it's almost like he wiped out of existence. But I can tell it still bothers him.

One thing about most people with autism is that even as we age we often lack the ability or know-how to follow-up to maintain relationships, even with those people we care about. It might always be up to you to be the parent and not look for rewards or acknowledgement from your child that you're doing a good job. A smile and a hug from him says what we might not have the words for. When you have visitation don't drag him around being "fun dad" because it will probably stress him out and he might have anxiety over his days with you. Especially in the beginning be consistent and patient and don't overwhelm him. You and your wife can't talk negatively about each other in front of him because if a kid feels caught in the middle he will always side with the parent he lives with even if he loves the other one more, it's just easier.

I also don't believe in parents being miserable for the sake of children because that will hurt them in other ways. See a marriage counsellor, and if you get divorced do it before you date or it could cost in ways you can't imagine - don't make her feel like a fool.

I think you should do what's right for you, as long as you still put in the time to help care for your son and take some of that load off your current wife.
But consider how OK the new lady will be in allowing that father-son relationship to continue.
If she doesn't like the time and effort involved, what happens then?

I wasn’t a deep thinker back when I was a kid.

I enjoyed my dad being the “fun dad.” He was easier to get along with once he wasn’t in the house to be the disciplinarian.

He wasn’t a TV “ideal dad”—but at least I got my pizza every Sunday.

If I were the dad, I’d tell any future wife that this is MY kid, and that you (the potential bride) has no input into that.

My parents would not have been allowed to adopt in Sweden, because they never argued, and so I never saw a resolution of an argument. I was only five when I realized that I had no idea why my parents married, but they stayed together for another ten years. It might have been better for me to have seen either of them in a good relationship, but dad didn't introduce his girlfriend for years, and I'd left after two. I'd been mostly a free-range kid, and there was nothing to learn at home.
My own divorce was amazingly destructive. Trying to make sense of irrational behaviour tied up far too much of my brain, to the point of making poor decisions.

I think if you proceed through the divorce in as sensitive a way as you are able that all will be well.

Children can feel strife and unhappiness whether it is expressed or not.

I think children need to live within a happy relationship so they can internalize how it works.

Unless I have some unresolved issues that I don't know about my parents divorce didn't affect me at all , in fact looking back I can't even remember how it all played out ( I was about 7 and it was about 40 years ago though )

@ScottieKarate: Your child will know that you divorced his mother to marry another woman.  He will likely reason that if you can stop loving his mother, then you could also stop loving him, especially if you have more children with your new wife.

If you don't mind destroying your son's faith in you, then go right ahead with your plans; but if he matters to you at all, you will try to make things over with your wife -- not just for your son's sake, but for everyone's sake.

Stop thinking with your other brain.  You know what I'm talking about.

Leaving the "other woman" aside (it shouldn't be a priority in your decision) - think this over very carefully. Children can be as deeply affected by growing up around a toxic relationship as by divorce and don't kid yourself they're not aware of what's going on, they do, often from a surprisingly young age. The reasons why people stay in such relationships are not obvious to children and can affect them in very insidious ways and shape their own future relationships.