Finding the right person and detective work in between

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It’s no surprise that people on the spectrum struggle with dating, even if they’re the right people for relationships. I’m 26 and never been on a date even with a good attitude and a kind personality.

My biggest issue is that I’m unable to flirt or banter when I’m with a girl I like. In fact, I struggle with humor and don’t know how to be naturally funny in a conversation. In other words, I have the qualities of a good husband, but not of a boyfriend. I tell the truth and treat people with respect. I value hard work instead of going to loud parties and clubs. I’m also politically conservative and Christian and I prefer someone with that belief system.

In other words, I’m not interested in “having fun and dating a lot of people”, I just want to settle down with one person. I’ve been depressed about being lonely although it has gotten better because of relief from looking at someone whom I thought was “perfect”.

Recently (starting last November) I was scrolling through FB looking through mutual friends of someone I knew and then ran into a page of a girl who was EXTREMELY pretty and I felt shared my views. That day I lost appetite and couldn’t sleep because I saw her as a dream girl that I missed out on since she just married someone else. A few days later, I found her Twitter and I felt relieved when I saw she “liked” a Tweet from Beto O’Rourke criticizing Trump. Somehow I also found photos of her, tagged on Instagram, partying with alcohol and things got better. Because I started to realize that she wasn’t that “goody-two-shoed Christian girl” who “got away”.

I probably believe this “investigative” work is related to my Asperger’s (And ISTJ) because I’m obsessed with the details and make judgements out of facts. Nobody is perfect, and that means there’s no person worth idolizing like they’re the ticket to a wonderful life.

Besides from that, I’m looking into moving into another city (once COVID-19) is over and finding a good church community where I can meet the right person who doesn’t prefer a fun guy but rather a kind person.

First off, perhaps your focus is wrong.

There are two types of people in this world: introverts and extroverts. In general most Aspies display introvert qualities. Introverts need to be alone to recharge their batteries. Whereas extroverts need to be with other people to recharge their batteries. Numerically, about half the people in the world are introverts and the other half are extroverts.

So do you want a mate that is an introvert or an extrovert (a party girl). If you decide an introvert might make a good mate, then you are looking in the wrong places for this type of girl. She is shy and hates going to parties just as much as you do. But where do you find such a girl? Well, she may not have a lot of friends, may not go out much.

You might find her at church, in a library, performing volunteer work, etc. She may want to get married and raise a family just as much as you do. Generally there are people who are matchmakers. They may be your parents, friends or even complete strangers. They feel that two lost souls should come together and perhaps make a match. So going on a blind date that someone else recommends may actually be productive. It is practice, a learning experience, something that helps improve your dating outcomes in the future. Or perhaps she might be the real one.

Many Christian Churches have youth groups or young adult groups to encourage members to mingle. You might expand your search of these groups and visit several nearby say within a hundred miles of your home and see what you come up with. You might even talk to your minister or priest and explain your desire to find a mate and the fact that you are on the spectrum. He/she may have suggestions.

There's a great blues song about the extra troubles of being in love with a beautiful woman. If you are not experienced, it is probably better to try to meet a woman who is not bombarded by other offers from more practised men. After the first half of the first date, what matters is mental compatibility anyway. What kind of body someone brings along is a lottery, not something to make a big deal about. They all have the same nerve endings.
The other lottery was only recently discovered. Nerve Zero was found hiding beside Nerve One, to the nose, but Zero is separate, with probably the oldest job in gendered animals: If someone smells like mom, they are not sexy. In any couple, one partner will smell less like the other's mother, and that partner will have more control. There are also problems if you find a perfect match (does not smell like mother at all) but you smell just like hers. Court orders sometimes ensue. Usually, unless both are at least 40% "unlike" there's no hope.

That makes it easier because you just have to find a church that shares your beliefs to find women with the same belief system. Instead of waiting for the perfect person and stumbling due to anxiety, try talking to women you don't like. You'll have less anxiety and it will make it easier to talk to other women when you find someone you're interested in.

Find one you don't like...and they say Aspies don't have a sense of humor...

If you can't flirt and banter, you also want a girls that does not value those things. You do have to show interest in them though, but that is not flirting. I have found finding a partner is about being out in the world where you can meet people. It is pretty random except that people tend to gravitate towards others with some of the same interests and values.

I never had any luck flirting. My luck with the ladies came from looking like I was doing something interesting, and getting to know them before considering romance. Even then, it was always their choice first.
I was always surprised that biographies of professors of mathematics would generally have an isolated sentence confirming that they had married. If you look like a reliable way to finance children, women can usually work around the rest.