What was your worst meltdown ever?

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First time was about 32 years ago, long before I was diagnosed as in the spectrum. I was working tech support for a major library automation firm. I was on the phone with a prospective client, since the inside sales team wasn’t worth sh!t with technical matters, nor even knew how the company’s main product functioned. I was having enough problems with a school administrator on the other end of that call. The broads little girls (who had just graduated high school a few months earlier) were batting around a balloon between the the cubicles making as much noise to annoy me to no end. After I got off that call, I went John Woo on everyone’s ass in the support office. The president of the company heard me whupping ass all the way over on the other side of the building, on mahogany row (aka the executive suite, where his office was located.). The only reason I wasn’t sh!t-canned at this point was others in the support office that managed to avoid my tsunami of a temper, let the president know that I was provoked.

It’s why I tell people don’t provoke me, since you’d be better off facing the wrath of God, than my wrath. At least God is merciful when his wrath subsides. My wrath never subsides. I’ll despise you until you drop dead. The motto on Mom’s side of the family was, and still is, never forgive and never forget.

And you wonder why I have such a hard time keeping myself under control...

I completely agree. I find I usually let things bother me and don't say anything until it builds up and I end up in a destructive rage. Though me acting the way I do and throwing a temper tantrum certainly dosent help but I can't help it. They didn't know I had asperger's as I never tell my employers though, I think they assumed I was just dumb and mentally slow. I have heard being overly gullible is a common trait in people with an ASD. But I've learnt from the experience and I am much better at knowing when someone is just messing with me.

I can completely relate to you. I have been used by certain friends, family and others for most of my life, and my inability to say no is also used against me once people learn this. At work now everyone Jokes about me being guliable but I get on with everyone and undstand it's just a joke. And being British, making fun of your friends shows that you like them and are comfortable being around them.

And the meltdown thing I am the same too. Its a horrible feeling of hopelessness and anger. It feels like the world is ending and there's nothing I can do. My mind is all over the place, a big jumble of information coming in too fast. I can't calm down as I'm too worried, angry and agitated so my brain takes over and my only way to cope is my punching things, smashing stuff and hurting myself. I feel terrible and and guilty for days after and often in pain from often serious lacerations I have caused to myself during my rage. As I get older, I'm coping much better these days. My friends have also helped calm me down too and stopped me destroying our home.

I had a lot of meltdowns between the ages of 18-23, and I suffered severe depression, anger, anxiety and low self-esteem during those years.
I think the reason is because of the way I was treated through high school, and I kind of kept quiet about it and never stood up for myself successfully or did anything else about it, I just went along being socially rejected and was very lonely. I was made to feel worthless and stupid, and I was even told to my face that my feelings are invalid and that nobody cares about my feelings. Being told that by your peers as a teenager can affect you terribly even if you're an NT. So I think the resentment had built up and when I was a young adult I just kept exploding and I felt trapped in my emotions. You can tell by reading some of my old posts here from 2010 to about 2013. I was just so miserable in my own skin and hated myself.

I've had a few, before I actually knew they were meltdowns. Looking back, most of them occurred at work or were work related.

Anyway, the worst meltdown I had was the one that made me decide to call in sick in April this year. In fact, I had two in one week, both at work. I've looked back at some notes I wrote, and I already felt I was heading for a burnout in January. And then it all just went completely wrong in April (the whole covid thing was the last drop). I smashed things, kicked things, cried my eyes out, the latter even in front of a coworker. I told a random client who saw me in that state about my autism and how I couldn't cope anymore. She was like wtf why are you telling me this.