Awakening!

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I know this sounds strange, and those who know me and have worked with me in the past will likely be puzzled as many did not or would not know about this...

It is only now that I realize how heavily my life has been hit with having shutdowns. I am looking back and realizing how much I have been held back and not been able to achieve the things in life in the same way that I would have achieved had I not had them.
The desicions I have made and had to make to preserve my health (I did not realize that it was my mental health back then) that have had a potential serious impact on my future. If that is not a dissability then what is?
You see I never saw myself as being restricted in what I can or can't do because I was making decisions that were based on routes that were favourable to what I could deal with and not favourable to my wealth or future. I did not see this at the time but even today I would have had to make similar choices, and today even more so then ever before I have had to make similar decisions...
This is not to say that my future is a dismal one. I do not know how things will pan out, and having spent a life of battling, life is not over yet.
But I really did not realize how much of an effect on my life that having shutdowns have had until now... And ok... I do realize that I have not been as vunerable to get them as of now. So I do not know what I should do to pull myself out of this "Fragile" stage, as I need stability back into my life so I can start to relax ad pull out of it.
I don't know what to say next... I am just shocked by how long it has taken to get to find out what was happening to me. 40 years?

Yeah, it's crazy that you live all your life not realizing the basic things about yourself.
I had the same with sensory overload. Wow. Just learning the term changed so much for me - I finally could pinpoint the feeling and see what it is.

It is a "Matrix" moment.

I wish you could fix bikes on the side.

Have you got Benefits yet?

Yes. I have difficulties at the moment fixing my own bikes so at the moment I don't have any ready to ride. Hence why I have not been cycling.
I need to try and get them going. Not much needs doing. I have been putting it off for half a year... I also promised someone a bike since the summer of 2019 before I had the last burnout. I have hardly been able to look at bikes since then as it causes me shutdowns... I had to help my brothers friends fix their bikes as my brother arranged it without telling me, and I had shutdowns but I got them done...Just! The problem is people don't understand that I have difficulty so they assume I can just do it like I used to be able.
I do want to be recovered to where I was before.

I can totally relate to this. After beginning to suspect having autism, I've been looking back over 40ish years and have been absolutely shocked. "Oh, THAT's what happened there..." Stuff I'd never realized was different from everyone else's experience, stuff I HAD realized was different but couldn't explain, stuff I'd never mentioned to anyone because I figured it was "all in my head"...
Add to that, all the things that I only remember when I read about them, because they never "stuck out" and I had never given them any thought at all. It's not that I don't remember them before I read about it, just that I've never had any reason to think about whatever it is.
It's totally like taking the red pill. Looking back with a different mindset completely because of a new piece of information. It's both good and bad. I'm happy for the added understanding, but sometimes I have to remind myself that there's nothing I can do to change the past.