A rant from an Aspie

Post Reply New Topic

I want to get this s**t off my chest, and it's the main reason why I even signed up here in the first place. It's not until today that I've developed my linguistic abilities enough to convey my message properly to everyone, Aspie or otherwise. I'm aware that you're not willing to spend too much time reading the wall of text that will follow, which is why I've provided a TL;DR version at the bottom.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's since an early age, and while I've time and time demonstrated extraordinary skills in some fields, socializing has never really been my forte. But I'm probably one of the rare few of my kind who's actually self-aware of this shortcoming, that I've been trying to improve on it every chance I get, so I can be acknowledged and treated as no less a normal person like everyone else. So far, I've already learned about social boundaries, trying to keep things concise and on topic and maintaining eye contact, which my father told me I've improved on compared to during my school days. But even so, I'm still getting complaints that I've made others feel awkward/cringy/uncomfortable, and I'm low-key sick of it. It's even worse when such complaints are received after a very long period of time, so long that I end up assuming that they were okay with the likes of me and I get whammed in the face that it was all a lie the entire time.

Let me address why this repeated BS is so problematic to me:

If they truly felt awkward/cringy/uncomfortable with some behavior of mine, it's BORDERLINE IMPOSSIBLE to tell. There are absolutely NO red flags whatsoever to indicate that they feel that way, so I'm highly prone to falsely assuming that they're okay with it. It gives me a very good reason to be paranoid. No different than when you take a cookie from a batch but some of them are actually spiked with a very lethal poison that won't actually kill you until hours later.

And it's no less impossible to convince them otherwise either. Once you receive the dreaded "feel uncomfortable" complaint, that's it. You're automatically in trouble. Absolutely no exceptions. It doesn't matter to them, if making others feel uncomfortable was honestly the last thing you were intending and really you were just trying to fit in. No matter how much you try to explain they just immediately dismiss all those as excuses and accuse you of playing the victim card.

It's what makes it even harder to accept responsibility because I should be doing that knowing I screwed up, not because some idiot misinterpreted my behavior as some direct personal offense, deliberately or otherwise. (There's actually a short addressing this issue called "Modern Educayshun", look it up sometime)

Did these people even ONCE think they're the ones who's misunderstanding and go "Hmm, that guy's behavior is a little off. I think he has some kind of mental issue, which I'm going to discuss about and address later with him."? No. They just jump to conclusions and assume that I'm trying to deliberately piss everybody off and expect me to acknowledge that without question, when really I just function a little differently. You're basically feeling uncomfortable with someone different than you. What about everyone else, huh? You pass by them all the time in every public place in the world and they're all different compared to you! How come you don't feel uncomfortable around THEM too?

I can't tell you how many times in my life that I've been cut off, sanctioned, blacklisted, etc. simply because I was different, not because I was an obvious as*hole who is actually deliberately trying to piss others off, no matter how they'd perceive that. I once got kicked out of a gaming club ALL BECAUSE OF MY TONE. I KID YOU NOT. I PISSED OFF AN ENTIRE CLUB SIMPLY BY TALKING. AND THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY TOLD ME "SEVERAL TIMES" BUT I NEVER EVEN ONCE HEARD THEM CALL ME OUT ON MY BEHAVIOR.

Let me tell you, that there is absolutely NO burden in the world heavier than actually trying to be no less a normal person like everyone else, only to be cruelly shut out because somehow their behavior that's a little more unique compared to others to say the least came off as what they'd call "cringy". And honestly, it's WAY worse than being called a ret*d. Sure, it's a very hurtful Ableist word, but at least it doesn't give the implication that you're somehow responsible for some form of perceived offense.

To this day, I'm constantly paranoid if anyone else I've interacted with are secretly cringing at myself as a person and will cut me off for good in the future and that they told me over 9000 times about it but I never listened.

And I've seen all the other people, even Aspies like me, socialize no problem, making new connections and get new opportunities, get recognized for their skills and capabilities, even get affiliated with renowned celebrities or highly reputable companies like Apple or Pixar or Rockstar Games, but every time I try it for myself, the ONLY feedback I ever get is something around the lines of "You made everyone feel uncomfortable". NOTHING ELSE. No matter how well I try to behave, no matter how much I try to apply everything I learned in socializing, it's always the same f*****g s**t: "You made others cringe", "you made everyone feel uncomfortable", etc. And I'm BORDERLINE f*****g SICK OF IT. They keep telling you "you have to put yourself out there", but when you actually do it, those VERY people who told you that just shut you out with the same f*****g BS, not even once acknowledging your efforts to try to be more social and more like a normal person like everyone else. And these repeated moments, only confirm my idea more and more that I've been on this entire planet's blacklist since I was born, and that continuing to try to socialize will only prove I haven't learned my lesson. I too have skills surpassing the overall standard, but I guess none of that s**t matters since I'm basically some Chris Chan-esque zombie in the eyes of everyone else. Could this be the #1 reason why some people in Japan become Hikikomoris? Because they too tried to be a normal person only to give up because they kept getting the same result over and over?

Now I know how Shrek feels.

Go on, WP. Throw the same "you made everyone feel uncomfortable" BS at me like everybody else did and that I've ignored your over 9000 repeated warnings about it. It's not like I'm surprised anymore.

TL;DR: I'm a self-aware Aspie who's f*****g sick of trying to be a normal person only to get the same "you made everyone feel uncomfortable" result over and over.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I wish it were under better circumstances.

A lot of Neurotypicals communicate with nonverbal language. It is said to be the vast majority of how people communicate. The issue is we on the spectrum just do not pick up a lot of it so it is very possible they are communicating to you with body language that they are uncomfortable and you are not picking it up. It goes the other way also, we communicate verbally atypically and often get misconstrued. The way we talk, our tone etc also is often different and that gets us misconstrued.

YOU SCARE ME

well, I sure do identify with a lot of what you have said here.
I tried for years to socialize , (I will tell you I am 68 today) and I have come to the conclusion that I will never succeed in 'traditional' social circles because my visual and audio processing is so poor. I am simply not equipped to interpret the majority of things that happen "in real time" in groups or in person to person interactions.

I have a better chance of having more successful interactions with one or two people if they know ahead of time I will ask questions, give explanations, share information, etc.

I have had zero success in joining established groups of NTs. I simply don't have the tools. It hurts, and hurts a lot, but those are the facts of my life.

I have had success interacting with others by finding groups online (like here!) and using my best skill, which is writing and reading.

I have joined a couple of special interest groups online and we share information and photos about our special interests (mine are geology, rocks, fossils of the NE Michigan area where I live). From knowing some people in my groups online, we have branched off to having small gatherings (less than 4 people with me included) and we do our activity together. I explain when we meet about my struggles with visual and audio processing and explain I may ask a lot of questions.
I have found a few of the people I meet are just not compatible, but now I have a small group of friends who I can go on rock hunting adventures with locally... usually it is just 2 of us but sometimes up to 4, all meeting to do our special interest together.
It has been better.
In the larger established NT groups, people would just turn their backs on me and exclude me in other ways.
This way I have a better chance of being understood and of understanding others, and we have that common core of interest.
The ones I get along with best have said that they hate doing large group stuff too.
I can't avoid making social mistakes, and I lost a close friendship just a couple of days ago when she simply tore me apart because of something I did in public.
I can't say it was all my fault, but she thought it was and was not able to understand when I tried to explain what happened from "my side" .

I think that is probably inevitable, that I will fail in many situations, and also I must realize that it is not all my fault, that in her case, and in many others, the other person has troubles of their own and is reacting from the emotional pain and misunderstanding in her own self/ pains and patterns of her past/ etc. I know my friend was abused badly for all of her childhood. She developed behavior patterns in self defense, which conflict with mine and she attacks the minute she feels uncomfortable or anxious. That part is not my fault. But it might keep us from getting closer as friends if she continues to attack me as she did the other day.

Its not just you,( or me). You know it, I know it, and I think my/our only other course is to look elsewhere if the other person refuses to talk about it or to try to work through the discomfort and distress.

Hard for all of us. I will just say, I think it happens to a lot of us, it hurts a lot, and I don't have any answers, but by trying over and over I have found a few "good ones" that have made the trouble worth while.
Sending best wishes. You are not alone.

Welcome to the Aspie Experience. Fellow accursed one. Yeah it fking scks dealing with the insanity of the world sometimes doesn't it. The only thing we can do is try and get better and spotting and recognizing these things and becoming stringer individuals, overcoming our natural deficits .

Most of the people I got to know were not worth getting to know. Now, I'm content if I know a few people who share some of my differences.

I rather have a million people call me a ret*d than one person complain that I made them "cringe".

I sympathise with what you've written.

NT’s will never adjust to your differences. It’s not in their power to understand you.

You missed the red flags more than likely because you lack that awareness.
Contrary to what you said, I think the vast majority of aspies realize their deficiencies.

Interesting article about the lady's "flat effect".

It could be some simple thing like that ...that creeps everyone out. Just a flat facial expression.

But its something that you cant see because you dont have a mirror to follow you around.

But whether simple or complex there is SOMETHING in your demeanor. But we dont have video tapes of you interacting with folks. So we cant tell you what that thing is that you do wrong.

But also you fail to pick up on subtle signals that the assembled crowd is uncomfortable. Maybe you fail to see everyone else shoot glances at each other while you interact with the group, and this that the other signals that they get uncomfortable around you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I think you will find most of us here have had similar experiences. I’ve been totally crushed at times to learn a group I thought I was part of, was actually barely tolerating me.

Like others have said;

Many of those people are not worth knowing.

Individual or very small groups seem to work better.

Try to minimize contact with people who can’t accept you as you are.

Trying to act like you are NT is likely to cause you stress and emotional pain.

It’s not your fault. Everyone has something to offer.

I know how you feel, bro.
I had almost the exact things to deal with in my life. I barley ever had any friends in life and the ones I did have were mostly fake friends. My only real friend I used to have as a kid was Caitlyn, she was the only one who could deal with my behaiviour. But unfortunatly, we both went sepperate ways at some point while we we´re getting older. I wonder how she´s doing and if she´s at least happy with her life. After my parents got divorced and me and my mom moved to another town, it was a new start for me tomake new friends since nobody knew about my backtime there like pretty much everyone in my hometown did. But guess what? I f*cked it up again and didn´t find any friends there either. When I was sent to a jobschool to find a place for myself the only friend I found there was Katharina, but sncd I don´t go there anymore and she found a job and a place to stay, I´ve been alone. Now with the Corona virus, I can´t go out and meet other people at all(Even if I never went out very much). I feel so lonley and the only thing keeping me happy is the stuff on my phone. That`s why whenever there´s even just the tiniest problem with it, I freak out since it´s the gateway to my only real happiness. Ever since I watched the movie "Spies in Disguise", where it teaches you that there´s nothing wrong with being weird, I try to except my own weird side, but it´s hard.
I just wanna find someone who loves me and excepts me for who I am.

Welcome to the club. I've been ignored by people because I'm a little off. It happened to me the most when I was in grades 1-12. There have been employees who don't even bother to call me for an interview because I'm a little off. It's almost like I'm a Kast-off of some sort. It's the luck of the draw. I don't let it get me down. I try and keep a positive attitude.

I swear, if there was a clock in heaven which its hands moved every time I made someone "cringe", it would be used as a ceiling fan. It would put Donald Trump's lie clock to shame for sure.