Newly Diagnosed, friends don't believe me

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone,

I am new here, and so far everyone has been really welcoming and kind. I am glad to meet so many wonderful humans in one place.

I am still trying to figure out quite a few things- I am new to embracing this part of myself and what being diagnosed may mean for my life. I am also beginning to tell those closest to me about my diagnosis.

When I told two of the people closest to me, both of their reactions were disbelief, one questioned why I even sought a diagnosis at all, like it was dumb, the other won't stop questioning me about the validity of it and was even angry over it. Both were very skeptical overall. Like I am lying, or something.

My life has been so hard for so long, with challenges I just couldn't figure out, but which were easier for other people. I would compare myself to others and the contrast was effecting my self worth and every aspect of my life in such a negative way. It has been such a relief to know that I am not broken, or lazy or stupid. Being diagnosed was really freeing, comforting and wonderful for me, so it really hurts to have those closest question the validity of it, when what I need most is support to navigate life with this new playbook.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? And if so, how did you navigate it? Is it even worth telling those closest to you?

LOL…..there’s no doubt in anybody’s mind that I have SOMETHING. I guess I’m lucky that way

Although I am undiagnosed (awaiting assessment) I have expressed my feelings to a few who are close to me - family and colleagues.

They have entirely accepted how I self identify. I am also lucky that I work as a teacher, with other teachers, and we all work with children who have ASD. Guess they can see the correlation! Haha!

I’m sorry your friends have doubted you. Sometimes people don’t know what to do when they find themselves in a situation that maybe feels uncomfortable for them. It can make people reactive, judgmental or indifferent. I hope you get further opportunities to talk with them about it and how important it is for you that they listen and understand.

Most people have little or no understanding of Aspergers or ASD. As a result, when they hear of a diagnosis, they assume it means some sort of disability. This can be more difficult for them to understand if one has maintained a good facade.

For this reason many choose not to share this information as it can seldom help and often cause problems.

I was just diagnosed recently. I have not told anyone about the diagnosis other than obviously my parents. When I told my mom whom I don’t communicate with often, she didn’t believed me. Not only did she not believe me after sending her the report from the doctor her response to me was “well how do we make it go away so you’re normal”. It’s so hard when you don’t have the support of other people. Now I feel like I have no one I can talk to about it.

Shellbelle,

If people that know you doubt you are on the Autism Spectrum doesn't that imply you've developed good coping mechanisms? Good work! I assume your friends are not on the Spectrum and know as little about it as I did when I first started reading about it. Maybe you should gently educate them. But try to remember they are probably just NT...they'll need your help.

And I'd be curious to hear how this plays out.

I was diagnosed in 2019 and, other than medical providers and my bride, did not want to tell anyone until I could tell my immediate family (Dad and my siblings) in person. That meant delaying until holiday season when I'd see most of them in person.
----Dad was not interested...understandable I guess, since Asperger's Syndrome didn't go into the DSM until 1994 when he was already in his 60s. He's also not interested other newfangled things like computers and the Internet. Besides, he already knew I was a little odd.
----My siblings also already knew I was a little odd. They were more interested in whether my diagnosis could tell them anything about themselves! (It can't.)

Now I'd like to tell my friends and acquaintances in person, too, but after the holiday season I was tied up with taxes and surgery. After which came a Pandemic. So me and my diagnosis haven't gotten out much.

I'm happily, comfortably retired and have tried to cultivate a dry sense of humor. From what you're saying, I might want to take that sense of humor with me when I finally get out with my diagnosis.


klockward94,

Welcome to WP! You might find some folk here who are kind of interested in Autism and are willing to talk about it.

I hope you find WP to be both "Wrong Planet" and "Welcoming Planet"!

Welcome to wrong planet.

In reading reactions of people who disclose their diagnosis to others on this website for eight years reactions vary widely and it is very hard to predict how people will react. It ranges from the denial you have received to “of course”.

Common reason for denial is you do not fit into what they think an autistic person should be like. As mentioned earlier you may not be as disabled as they expect. Often others deny autism because you do not fit into common media stereotypes of how an autistic person presents. The criteria for autism diagnoses was made for boys. As a grown women you do not fit into that criteria. In the last few years it is becoming more recognized among professionals that autistic grown women do not present like autistic boys. It was enough to get you diagnosed. However the general public is slower to catch on to the expanding diagnostic criteria.

There is also a feeling among some that autism is over diagnosed and overhyped, that it is used to make money for doctors, is used to seek attention and excuse bad behavior.

A diagnoses is important information. It is natural for people to want to share it with friends and loved ones. For the person who gets diagnosed later in life it can change the perception of who one is, provide new explanations for things have happened in your life the way it did. This is a process, it takes time.

My advice is to take the time to continue to find out more about autism and specifically how it effects or defines you and how you feel about it. Once you how figured more things out you will be more prepared to deal with how others feel.

Do not be afraid to ask questions of us. Please do not let worry about sounding stupid stop you.

Thank you all for the kind words, support and stories everyone has shared with me. This helps so much.

I am still learning how to use the forum, so I don't know how to respond to each person- yet. I'll do my best below.

I know I mask a lot. I think that is why it is surprising to learn of my diagnosis for my two closest friends. What prompted me to ask for help was a combination of being isolated because of Covid and the older I get, the harder it is for me to mask- makes me very tired and burned out. After things opened again, and I went back to work I really struggled. I had to do my research of course, yay for special and intense interests! Haha, and sought a psychologist who could help me figure this out.

I wish I had family to tell, but we are estranged.

I don't think I'll be telling anyone else about things for a while. Especially in a work setting. I agree with what so many people have said here. It seems people want autism to present a certain way, or see it as a disability, or expect us all to be rainmen, we are definitely more of a multifaceted rainbow. And yes, being a grown woman means I present really differently than a young boy would.

I am going to keep working towards better understanding with my friends. So far, one has begun asking questions to learn a bit more and the one who was a bit angry asked for a phone call, so we'll see how things progress! I'll keep everyone posted if you'd like. I know many people read old threads, so might be useful I hope.

If anyone else has input, I'd love to hear it! Just hearing stories and experiences helps. It feels like a big, new thing for me. Kinda like being held upside down to have all my brain cells and life experiences shaken out, only to put things back together with a different lens.

I call my diagnosis day my second birthday.

On the spectrum we tend to like to control everything. But in this situation it is best to let your autistic brain do what it needs to do the way it needs to do it.[/quote]

How would you suggest going about that part? I really have no idea how to do that yet.

I have spent the majority of my life masked so fully that I have a lot of work to do to learn who I really am and what my autistic brain is really like. I was, and still am, quite terrified of who I might be if left to my own devices- I worry how people will treat me when I embrace my true self especially. The world really never felt safe to me, and even with heavy masking I still get bullied at times. I know eventually I have to relax my kung fu grip on the mask, because it is making me ill. Too much energy invested there, but I have no idea how to let go, nor how to allow myself to just be autistic. Where does one start?

I would say, people who dont believe you are people who arent worth your time, because if they dont believe then that might mean they dont trust you enough and they dont deserve to know about it.
It doesnt always apply in every situation it happens in, but thats usually the case.
But you dont need to worry too much about letting other people know. Mostly, the people who try to help you with things you struggle in your life, are the ones who need to know these things the most.
If the person doesnt need to know or it wouldnt help with anything if they knew it, then they better not know altogether.

Welcome to WP! We’re happy to have you!

Thank you for the warm welcome! SyphonFilter


And I do think you have a good point Noam1515- one reason I haven't told anyone else. 2 people know and that's it.

Welcome!

Also I'm sorry that you are experiencing this but unfortunately it is common :/. Multiple of my therapists have refused to believe my diagnosis and when I was first diagnosed some of my family members either didn't believe it or thought I was using it as an excuse. I've found that with time if you educate people they don't have such narrow ideas of what autistic looks like and over the years I haven't had as many problems with it. Sending articles/vids for this reason is good. Hope it goes well because I know the feelings sucks :')

Did you show them your clinical report?

I don't understand how a friend would doubt the expertise of a formal report with test data.