Currently experiencing awful bout of depression, need advice

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I’m writing this because in these past few days, I have felt unbearably awful, like I mean the worst depression of my life so far. Last night, I barely slept, and in general I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and lack of motivation to do anything (stopped exercising, reading, etc). This has to do with my aspergers, and realizations I have had about myself or parts of myself I have come to understand better. I apologize if this isn’t the most coherent, it’s hard just for me to put this out there. I’m a 20 year old college student btw if that matters.

I’ve come to realize just how poor of a communicator I am, and I worry that I’ll always be that way because it’s just intrinsically who I am, and there are certain skills that just can’t be learned.
I’ll get into some specifics of what I mean. Perhaps the most significant issue for me is that I never, and I mean never, initiate or lead conversations. I only ever react, and tend to give dull, short answers and responses. I used to be better at this (I’m talking several years ago), and I used to do better socially in general actually, but it’s something that I think has dwindled over time, and it just feels uncomfortable and unapproachable to me now. And in larger groups I completely clam up, I feel as if I have nothing worthy of saying. Part of me is just not naturally inclined towards talking it seems, and I have to force it.

Also, I notice that I tend to have something kinda similar to brain fog, where I feel as if I don’t think and speak at the same pace, and often can’t articulate things as eloquently or fluidly as I would want to. I never know the right thing to say. I feel as if my thoughts in recent years have become more and more dull and vacuous. Another issue I have that I think is central to my lack of social skills is I have a pretty narrow range of interests, and I struggle to make meaningful conversation outside of that range - I just can’t pretend to be interested even if I want to be.
Above all, I’m terrified that I’ll always be lonely and isolated from the world, that I won’t have a fulfilling life no matter what I do.

I really want to know if anybody here has felt similarly, if they’ve dealt with this, if they have any advice, etc. I realize a lot of this is probably just standard aspergers traits and I can’t rewire my brain and change who I am, but I really don’t want to go on like this forever. I’m the most boring, dry person I know. This has been going on long enough that it feels impossible to overcome, but I know that’s a self-defeating mindset.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

Do you have any interests which make you happy?

Maybe YOU believe you’re a poor communicator…but maybe others don’t feel that way.

I hear that there has been a general drop in conversational ability, due to reliance on texting and other alternative ways to experience life. I joined a Zoom meeting to help me regain practice, and find that I do much better in small meetings.

I hope you’re feeling a little better today.

I'll speculate that, done politely and correctly, maybe not talking much could be good.

I thought most people like to talk so they would also like a good listener.

I hope that you start feeling better, soon.

Depression is an interesting phenomena. There can be contributions from diet and nutrition deficiencies, improvements from supplements and medications (although some medications have dangerous side effects). Lifestyle can have an influence like with exercise or drug and alcohol use.

The Asperger neurology may amplify the effects as well. If you have difficulty in speaking, you might try joining a group like toastmasters.

A brief bout of depression may just be a withdrawal reaction to a recent period of stress. However, if it persists or becomes recurrent, you may be forced to experiment with ways to manage it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I have two thoughts: one is that you seem to be berating yourself for not being how you think you should be. Even thought it is causing you pain and distress, it is okay for you to be you. Who you are is not wrong and not something you need to fight against. Practicing self-acceptance might bring you some relief.

The other thought I have is that since you say you have some narrow interests, is it possible for you to seek out people who share those interests? Perhaps you would then find that you do have something to say and are eager to share it, and that they are interested in listening.

If it's not possible to find people who share your interests, it might be helpful to join a group that is built around an interest or activity. For instance: tai chi or yoga or other exercises, theater (if you don't want to act you could build sets or do lighting), band or other musical groups, activist groups, charities, churches.

If it's available to you, I would seek out a therapist or counselor to talk to as well. They don't often know very much about autism, but they could still be a great help.

Yeah I go through bouts of feeling like you do, its been pretty rough for the past several years (not just due to covid tho). I just want to say I understand, and am sorry you are going through it. I'm not the greatest communicator either, and I understand the feeling hopeless and down from struggling to accept the autistic traits that you have that are making it more difficult for you. I haven't quite found what helps yet, but just know you aren't alone dealing with these things, though it can feel like you are when it gets real tough.

When I feel that way, I like to listen to music.