Exploring my Attatchments to people

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learning that neurodiverse people tend to experience senses to the extreme, im looking at my attachment to people differently. not so much a curse but not allowing myself to necessarily stress over it but, gracefully interact with those people and enjoy what time i have with them. so my main challenge is to act normal and not stammer and studder in front of them. I also tend to gravitate to people that look like people i'd want to protect me as a child. well, in fact all of them give that impression. i feel smaller than them and some are younger than me (adults though). I can't tell you how liberating it's been to explore freely without being gaslit by you guys. i've been put in check, yes, but i needed it. as someone who finally gets to embrace my uniqueness (formal diagnosis or not)

I always used to see myself as younger and more immature than everyone else. Also that i gravitated to people who, at least seemed like, they could look after me. This has changed as I've grown into myself. Where the developmental disorder held me back, I feel I have managed to develop myself "manually" in some ways and I'm much more mature now. I tend to see people as equals more, though some situations still put me into my old way of thinking.

its good you are able to see why you act a certain way. A lot of people never find out

I have often felt child like in my behaviour and learning. Other times, i am pro active, strong and bright. I have been told i dont act my age. For now, until i get a formal duagnosis i am self diagnosing an ASD. I know i have an ASD. Life has been exhausting, trying to be the person i thought i should be. Only over the past 6 or so weeks, am i embrassing me for who and how i am. I dont want to cover up the real me any more. I cant. I am still trying to understand my attachment to others. Definatly build attachment to older males, to the point that my heart shatters. It has been very painful.

the part about people who look like they could look after me resonates totally. I feel myself shrink into a little, shy, needy kid. so i'm now learning to befriend people as a man and let the inner child explore and experience his portion of that friendship. i got a hug from one person and my inner child drew so much from that. and as an adult i was able to give that hug back.

so true! and it's quite liberating! thanks

so brave of you! it's so great to be around people who can relate. yes life can seem "too big" and once you come to a place of self-acceptance (with or without a diagnosis...which has been my biggest hurdle) things that were upsetting because they were stifled, are allowed out in the sunlight and turn out be indearing traits. i encourage you to explore. you might be surprised by things you're "allowed" to embrace are not so bad when they are not stiffled.
Example: I have selective mutism...suffered though so much to people others. it stressed me out so much my jaw started locking up and so on....now that i accept my real self...i keep my mouth shut if i feel like it and it's nobody's business but mine hehe.