Affection - Help me understand.

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Hi!

My boyfriend has undiagnosed autism but we are absolutely aware he has it. We've had our struggles in the relationship and I've done my absolute best to research autism and understand how / why things happen the way they do. The one thing I'm finding extremely hard is the lack of affection.. The thought of spending the rest of my life without kisses / hugs (unless I ask for one) / "this made me think of you" gifts, etc. makes me so sad. We've spoken about it calmly, multiple times, but he does end up becoming defensive and thinks I'm trying to change him. The way I see it, I'm asking him to learn a new behaviour which doesn't seem unreasonable, particularly given that in the beginning he did show affection.

I guess the point of this post is to ask those who feel the same with regards to affection what the reason behind it is, if you would be willing to learn new behaviours and is there a particular way you would want me to explain that I need affection which wouldn't make you feel attacked?

Thank you.

Every now and then someone shows up here posting about their autistic partner and lack of affection/attention and I totally feel called out. I sit here and blink for a minute thinking, damn, any of my ex's could have written that about me.
This post of yours isn't far from that mark. I am very much not an affectionate of spontaneous type of person with that sort of stuff. I am the anthesis of all that is romantic. I suck. I know.

I actually would be willing (and have been in the past) to try to find ways to show people that I care in ways that they want/need. I had one ex, and she was amazing at communicating to me what her wants and needs were and despite not being amab, she made me into the best boyfriend ever. So yeah, I would try my best for someone I cared for.

But here's the thing with me (can't speak for your bf, just me), I can only do what I can do or I will start to get overwhelmed and shut down. I have pushed until I collapsed and no good comes from that. For me, I need compromise, patience (because I will f*** up as I'm trying), understanding that this stuff doesn't come naturally to me and it's stuff that doesn't even occur to me... I need baby steps. And I need my person to trust that when I say I can't do something or I need space, that I mean it. It's nothing personal. People overwhelm me. Even people I love. And I need that space to be there for them in ways that they deserve. They should get my best, and they can't if I'm shutting down or fighting a meltdown.

My knee jerk reaction is to wonder if he's overwhelmed with what you're asking from him and reacting from that place. I dunno. It could also be that he's not willing to make changes and meet you part way. I know you aren't asking for anyone here to dissect your relationship, and lord knows I can't. I just want to toss out there that you deserve to have your needs met in a relationship to. It's not just about you making accommodations for him.

That said, how would I like that sort of thing brought to my attention? In a calm, direct manner. I'd like for someone to say to me, "I benefit from things like this (whatever this might be). If you could do one/some (not saying all) of these things, that would mean the world to me." I could not look at someone I cared about saying that to me and be like, nah. But that's me. I like it when my people let me know what they want, need and expect from me.

Relationships can be tough. Communicating can be tough. I do wish you well in this.

For years my Dh told me I was “not nurturing.” This was very hurtful. I felt like I was very nurturing. I was a good mom, I took good care of my children and cuddled them and listened to them and gave him lots of hugs and attention, and I left him notes and surprises. (I am physical with people I love, I do not like to be touched - at all - by other people.)

But

His love language is service. What he meant was “I want to always have clean underwear in my drawer and I want you to make my breakfast” (which seemed crazy to me because he knows what he wants for breakfast and is perfectly able to make it himself. He’s a better cook than I am.)

So now I try to keep underwear in his drawer, and if I fail I get it for him instead of just saying “it’s clean in the basket/dryer” and I make him breakfast on weekdays, and I put his coffee in his travel mug, and some other little things that he is perfectly capable of doing as well or better, and he feels loved and I am finally “nurturing.” But he had to make a specific list. And I don’t feel loving when I do these things. They are simply part of my daily tasks, approached coolly and practically, like putting gas in my car. In fact, just like needing to stop for gas, sometimes I feel irritated or burdened when I do them. So they are not at all “expressing love” for me. But they make him feel loved. And I want him to feel loved, so I do them.

But when I actually have a burst of affection - I still just hug him or bring him a treat or sometimes there is an overlap and I leave a note in his underwear drawer or put a cinnamon smiley face on his oatmeal. And usually he is tired and hungry, so he just starts eating the oatmeal without even noticing the smiley face, and I feel sad.

I can't speak for another Aspie but I can characterize myself. In some respects I'm like a robot. If I am politely given some guidance it sometimes works. I am probably not trying to hurt my bride's feelings but if I do and she tells me, I will likely change what I do/say. It took time for me to warm to physical contact with my bride, I did warm up to it however, and now seek it...withing limits. Etc.

That is, friendly suggestions and guidance might help. After all, it is an area of human behavior we are reportedly not naturally good at.

Not all on the spectrum are like that as autism effects each individual differently. Some may be extra huggy and kissy. Others will be the opposite, and others still will do it if prompted though the prompt may need to be made obvious... Some do not always get hints. Some are extremely loving. Some are not. Varies from person go person just the same way that it varies from people who are not on the spectrum.
One thing I will tell you is that for some, just because they may not openly display affection, does not mean that they don't love.

My husband is NT and he's pretty much like that, too. I just buy whatever I like or give him my gift wishlist. If I expect spontaneous actions or gifts I'm bound to be disappointed. You just need to give your guy clear indications of your wants and needs. And specific wishes with links on Amazon. Don't be vague. He'll improve after getting used to your expectations.

Now if you want a passionate, romantic person you'll probably have to look elsewhere. I do feel romantic people are less trustworthy than dutiful people, though.