Burnout I need motivation

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Hi, I'm 18, and I have only one type of motivation left - fear. I wanted to go to university for about 5 years to become a scientist, I wanted to study theoretical physics, but now I feel that I don't even want to go outside my room, even though I have to do it. I hated going to kindergarten, school, and so I decided to go to college at the first opportunity, because my parents wouldn't let me go to home schooling, and I didn't want to go to school anymore and endure this sensory and social hell. Every day I wake up without enthusiasm, because I am in anticipation of my daily sufferings: I will have to use public transport, noise, a lot of merging sounds, a lot of people, crowds of people, fluorescent lamps from which I want to sleep, feel derealization and get tired. I don't want to fall asleep so as not to wake up. I have no positive motivation left, I continue to do something because of the fear of not becoming an independent and independent person, not being able to earn enough money. If it wasn't for that, I would never have left my room again. I no longer feel that physics and mathematics bring me the same pleasure and it seems to me that I can no longer immerse myself in it as before. It's hard for me to enjoy it, because it seems to me that my life depends on how much I succeed in this. I've never had friends and it used to overwhelm me very much, but now it doesn't bother me so much. I want to regain my special interests, but I do not know how to do this and how to regain my concentration. How can I find some positive motivation, something other than fear?

Fear and a responsibility to my partner was the only things that got me through college, honestly. One thing that did help was trying to keep some time sacred, just for myself... even if it was just an hour a week to some nail art, or take a long soaking bath with a good book. The more stressed I would get, the more time I would try to reserve to try and balance the scales.

Aaaand a whole lot of crying, but that ain't really positive. Hah.

I reckon my advice would be to sit down with a schedule and actually, for real, BLOCK that time for yourself out. If it's on paper as an appointment of sorts, it's a bit harder to feel guilty for "doing nothing" in that time (because really, spending time with yourself, for yourself, doing what you love, is actually doing SOMETHING, but we don't like to let ourselves believe that easily, eh?).

That's actually a GOOD reason to do stuff.

The goal is a "good" life...but you have to travel through the years that precede it.

"Present you" should do what you can to protect and help "future you"...by building your credentials and bank account. It might not be pleasant; it might take years (or decades); it is the best plan.

I tried to make good decisions. I tried to insure I had an income and could live comfortably living beneath my income.

It wasn't always pleasant but I retired comfortably when I was 56.

Oh...college is better than school before college. You can take more classes that are interesting. The longer you stay in college the more you can concentrate on the courses you want to take.

and maybe depression? A lot of the things you describe can be signs of depression too. Are you on meds that might need adjustment? Have you ever wondered if you might be depressed? Sometimes therapy can give us new tools to use to help us face the world in a healthier way. I had to have somebody explain that I had options in almost everything I did, could choose to react in a hundred different ways to any interaction with another person besides the instant appeasement I had been taught as a child. I needed an outsider to explain this to me, since I could not see the choices or alternative ways to respond by myself. Learning I had a choice in almost any situation suddenly gave me freedom and perspective that helped me overcome my situational depression. Things got better the more I practiced the healthier alternative behaviors I was taught instead of those trained into me when I was a child. You might check into therapy/counseling/ life coaching to give you insights into your situation and obtain suggestions of things you might not have thought of that could help. 45 years ago therapy saved my life and my sanity, maybe you would find it useful /helpful in your situation as well.

No, it's not depression. Depression is caused by cognitive distortions, and my condition is caused by fatigue and constant anticipation of the repetition of unpleasant situations.

Oh, so you understand)) That seems like good advice. I should learn to relax and abstract from anxiety, I'm working on it. Are you glad that you didn't give up and survived it?


Me too...maybe it's not positive, but it's a good way to relieve stress
I'll try

It would be a good reason, if there was something else besides her. When it seems to you that life is hell, and you continue to do something only out of fear that it could be worse, you involuntarily begin to think about how to avoid suffering altogether, because you are no longer sure that what you are going to is worth it at all.
Well, I'm not studying for what I like right now, so it's not very interesting. This is an intermediate step for me to enter where I really want to study))

Maybe unpopular advice, but... drop out. It's what I did, twice, and I stand by it 100%.

I was going to a big STEM university for math. My grades were perfect, but eventually I realized I was doing it just because I wanted to prove to myself that I could, not because I actually liked being in school or because I wanted the kind of career the degree would offer. I hated the busyness, I hated the noise, I hated the experience. I finally left in my junior year after a tragedy. It would have been better, and less expensive, to leave sooner.

What I needed was to go somewhere quieter, simpler, with fewer human inputs and less sensory input. I wanted to use my hands and rest my brain. Turns out, if you are cooperative, attentive, and diligent, you can have all that for free. After a few false starts I signed up for WWOOF, which is a program connecting organic farms with folks interested in learning and helping. You find a farm you like and connect with them, and if they give you the thumbs up you go work for them ~30 hours per week in exchange for room and board. Much quieter, more relaxed than school, a great opportunity to unwind, good structure to your day, new skills, and live for free.

After a while, when you feel sane again, you can consider whether univeristy is right for you. I think there's a better way to get an independent life than putting yourself through sensory hell. Maybe online school, maybe a small private college, if you can find a scholarship. But if you try to do it the NT way, you're probably setting yourself up for failure.

Find smaller classes. Freshman classes are sensory hells because there are so many people.
Most of them. Not all.

I took a class taught by an elderly emeritus professor.
It started with just ten students!

For Econ 101B I took a class taught by a Korean grad student.
Again, a small class with no more than ten students.

I was able to find a job that required the expertise and skills of an Aspie.
I could have gotten a higher paying job but it paid enough for me to buy a house and retire before I was 60.

Does this help?

No

[quote="boazpiration"]
I know I have a choice- I can drop out of college. It seems to me that this is a lousy option for me. I can't imagine my life anywhere else. I want to study physics. I have a lot to do, but I don't feel that my brain is capable of doing anything, because I feel very overloaded every day and even if it passes by the end of the day, tomorrow I will have to go through it again. I don't want to drop out of college so much and give up university, but I feel terrible...

To be honest, I also actually dropped out of school once. Technically, I changed one type of training to another (which in my country is considered an option for fools). I also had excellent grades, but I understood that I would not finish my studies because I did not have the strength. Almost the same as now.