All Or Nothing!

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I tend to be like that at times.

Either had years of talking far too little or years of talking far too much!

Times where I get "Seasons" where I may do lots followed by seasons where I hardly do anything at all.

People say I am too predictable. Yet I don't see that somehow? When I look at my life I seem the opposite? But not to people that know me! They somehow see the opposite. Once when I met a small group of people via a website, the leader who ran the website thought I was hillarious. He said "He's exactly the same in real life as he is online!" "Isn't everyone?" I replied. " No! " he said.
I am not sure why this is, or what exactly thid means. I could see it in my Dad who didn't go online. He was the same to everyone regardless who they were. I am like that! I know someone who ksn't. An elderly lady and she is funny! I called her "Mrs Bucket" as she would immediately leave us to talk to someone she thought had a better income than us (Little did she know that at one time I likely earned more than she did!)
But to me, I don't want to be false like that, because had she known my income in the past, she would have been falsely befriending me. I don't like that! If people don't like me when I have had years with no income, then I don't want to have anything to do with them! I saw someone who I knew from school who has not changed in all those years! Admittedly I looked a bit scruffy when I approached him in his Taxi. He immediately was very rude to me! If I had wanted to go somewhere in his taxi I wouldn't! He hasn't changed! He was like that in school! No wonder he is stuck driving taxis! (No offence to taxi drivers in general as I generally found most to be good). My point is he never bettered himself due to his attitude as in a close knit community that Wales is, the chances are that if he went for a job, someone somewhere would know him and think twice about offering him a job. I am saying this not to belittle him, but for people to realize that how one treats others does have a direct effect.

The problem is that I have somehow been able to feel awful inside but seem happy and joyful on the outside. Is masking! To such an extent that when I opened up and shared what I was going through no one knew! It shocked me that no one knew! How come no one knew? How come my outward self does things different to my inward emotions which can lead to dangerous situations when people are angry at me and find me smiling at them in return! Also leads me to go into situations of danger and be left alone rather than attacked as they think I am someone not to be messed with!

But seasons. I get seasons when I do nothing but the one thing every moment I can... And then eventually I suddenly stop! Then comes a dry season for that thing.

I have noticed that my main hobby I go deeper in at times when I feel insecure. I don't know why this is. I use it as a mental crutch as it comforts me when I need to shut off from life outside my hobbh, and be comforted. One of my brothers is like this. He goes into debt spending on his hobby and often in the past needed rescuing! I don't go into debt, but my hobby tends to take up my life, but I see this as a good thing and not a bad thing if that makes sense? As I am a single man. If I was married, as if I find love I go really deeply in love, I think this even partly over-rides trains!
But I am all or nothing! But from what I know about myself, I am incredibly committed if I did go down that route, but unless outwardly told, I may not automatically pick up on other peoples feelings. When I do I can be either in shock and not know what to do, or incredibly supportive almost to the point of being over supportive. Uhmm. All or nothing!

But I am not married so I don't need to be concerned about that! Never have been married. Don't thing the opposite sex wants a guy like ms and if they do I run away from them as I can't believe it!
(I have ben "Caught" in the past but I escaped! ).

Seriously though. Others see me as a steady medium when I see me as all or nothing. Now my Dad was a steady medium in some ways. I marvelled at how he stayed in the same job for 30 years! I struggled to stay in the same job for two years as after two years I looked to get out! The exception was the railway as it is such varied work.
But my Dad (and some things didn't occur to my Mum either who made him his sandwiches) would take black current jam sandwiches to work every single day and an orange. He had this for 30 years of work, and a flask of tea. No change in all this time. We thought it hillarious when just before he finished working in his job (Due to ill health and the medication he was on made him think differently) when he said to my Mum "Can I have something else in my sandwiches please?"
We laughed so much as Mum said "You said you liked black current jam sandwiches" and he replied "That was 30 years ago!" Haha! That's my Mum!

After years of trying to figure myself by experiencing the contrasts, I figured what made me go all-or-nothing;

It a form of dysregulation for me.
It's just another state.
Just another fleeing temporary set of reactions.


Most are destructive, other few are not.
Dysregulation all the same. All-or-nothing all the same.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

You mean almost like sabataging your situation?

I have been known to sabatage things rather than deal with them. Dealing with them could be beneficial or essential but...

Will have to think about it.

Trying to think about what you said as my mind is not able to interpret it at the moment. Need to think of it in simple words to understand it and not sure how...

I believe in all or nothing. Do or do not. If I'm not good at it I don't usually enjoy it.

Someone told me they liked how I'm not a black-and-white thinker. I was a bit taken aback. I explained I do recognize shades of gray, and I resent their existence. I want a world of nothing but absolutes.

Agrees with Weight of Memory post above...
Might be trying to do things out of season..which might be causing me issues ....?
but can often be found getting involved in a hobby of mine . in a absolute manner, to fend off, or avoid stress levels..And it does require some serious focus ..to get me out of that mode ! if its a unavoidable issue .

I tend to do my best at a task or to not do it at all. But my thinking style is very nuanced, and so is my talking style a lot of the time.

I remember not liking the idea that questions rarely have correct, black-and-white answers when they told us that at school, probably because I could see that it would make life a lot more complicated and I already felt overwhelmed in trying to keep up with the syllabus. But I suppose I gradually took it on board, and these days I tend to dislike it when people say things that are too black-and-white to reflect reality. I'm always having to fight my gut feeling of impatience with people who haven't learned the lessons I've learned. I rather enjoy unpicking glib statements and correcting them, and I like the challenge of doing that to people without being cruel about it. But I try to let some of it go, because I get the impression that NTs know perfectly well that they're not being very accurate, that they're just using a form of shorthand for rapid communication. I've even known some scientists do that when they're talking informally, though when they write up their work they're precise.

OTOH when I'm tired I often long to just talk in a "normal" way, i.e. to use ridiculous oversimplification and hyperbole. It's just so much easier and more immediate, and it seems to express my feelings better. But if I'm trying to solve a practical problem - and I usually reduce most of life's challenges to practical problems - then I get much better results if I keep my thinking accurate, which calls for a lot of nuance. I don't know how people who are unable to work with grey material survive, unless they're in positions of power or they're successful artists, in which case they're able to get others to solve their practical problems for them.