I really can't explain it, but I have noticed one thing when I was in the first school. I watched a popular boy seem to get the attention of most of the class when he was talking, and it puzzled me how he did this. (I did not know I was on the spectrum until years later). Now I knew I masked even though I did not know what this "Thing" called masking was called. So I reasoned that this popular kid could do this thing (Masking) so much better than I could. It came as a shock to discover many years later when looking back at my life AFTER I had discovered I "Might be" autistic*, that this popular kid wasn't masking! (*Have been assessed and it has been confirmed). It made me think!
I knew I was different, but I put down my differences to having been brought up differently to others. Haha! Doubt my parents realized they were autistic too! (Mums still alive and she now realizes as I explained a lot to her. She says it is pointless being assessed at her age, but she can see it).
The reason I am glad I was eventually assessed was that it was becoming an issue as it was effecting my daily life, so I can also answer this thread with this. I knew that somehow, despite my greatest efforts, certain tasks I would end up with a "Must try harder" result. Yet I knew I had tried my hardest and did not know what else I could do. Yet others who had lower I.Q.'s would hardly put any effort in and get good resuts! (This could be reversed where I could find something really easy and they could struggle, but usually these tasks had nothing to do with subjects in school).
Now there is an element of this to a certain extent with everyone when comparing one person to another, but with me, I found it to be amplified and was very noticeable, especially when it came to languages I did not speak in or certain aspects of maths. (I later found out why on the maths. I am a visual thinker so when I think deeply,, I convert numbers into patterns of dots to work things out, and I can't put letters used into equations into dots! I did not realize in my schooling days that my ways were any different to anyone else's, but one maths teacher picked it out but I could not explain how I did things in my head, as it was only decades later looking back, with a chance conversation with my Mum while working out a mathematical sum during a board game, that I realized how I did things was different).
Another aspect I just could not work out was why I was always the one in school to be excluded. I was well behaved. I was kind. I was nice. But why was I left out? I made so much effort over so many years to try and fit in when despite my best efforts I didn't fit in... I could not explain it which then leads one down the path of depression had I not come across the very rare other undiagnosed autistic friend... Though some years I had no one. But it was depressing because I wanted to "Fit in" and be included but rarely ever was. It was as if there was this unwritten rule which said "I stink" (Though I didn't) where the other kids didn't want to play with me. It was hard growing up!
As an adult, workmates and customers became my friends BUT when I left work, the friendship rarely ever came home with me. What I mean by this, others would be friends at home as well as in work. For me, this rarely happened. For me, socializing was work. Why I really puzzled who women would come up to me and ask me where I socialized. I didn't know what they meant. Some would ask what I did after work. I said "I go home". They seemed to be disappointed with my reply? Like they wanted me to do something else? Shame I didn't work it out as I quite fancied some of them!
Sorry. I have answered about the differences.
Perception. I do very much have a different perception. I tend to think of myself as being 25 years younger than I am. I remember around ten years ago following a group of teenagers walking in front of me into a small village shop and thinking I was their age. It was odd! I forgot I was in my 40's at the time.
I also notice patterns of behaviour and also miss out on other patterns that others pick up on.
01 Apr 2025, 4:43 am
