some thoughts on being aspie

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I have a new job, and for some time (1 year) I didn't have to be constantly around people that i dont know. Now I have 3 weeks in my new job, and it has been somewhat hard. Now that im once again around all new people, I want to share some insights about having aspergers.

What doesnt work right in my brain? In my way home I was thinking in a kind of analogy to answer an NT this question: --Theres this part of my brain that doesnt work just right. Each time that I meet a new person, its like having to read a new thick book. The interactions with other people in the past, didnt really taught me much on how to interact with new people. You NT, and me Aspie, we started the same, we began reading long thick books, but with time, you have managed to generalize what these books say, so when you see a new book you already know most of the book and you can start swiftly jumping through pages or just consult the new book as a quick reference. I can't, I have to read each page, I have to painfuly go through each page slowly, starting from 1 to 500, and my books sometimes dont even have an index! This is what happens to me with new people, this is how I feel in a certain way. And of course, if you introduce me 5 new "books" all at once, well, you can imagine the chaos in my mind. For me, all those books are also on a more or less different language than my native language.
Sometimes, I am so absort trying to "read a book" that I forget about myself. I don't notice what I feel, and I usually forget what I want. My intellect does his best in trying to make sense of the world; meanwhile my emotions are pushed and pulled inside of me for some time, and then they come out in an outburst, and I can barely control myself.
And I find ironic that these emotions that I forget constantly, are the key to communicate with someone else. As I am thinking on how to understand someone else, I get apart from my emotions, but its this emotions the key to really empathize with others. It's when I show these forgotten emotions that people feel close to me, because it's then that they see themselves in me, and thus can empathize.


I have always known i can't act 'normal' while i have aspergers, there is always some degree of weirdness and excentricity (at least from others point of view). But I think having it also gives you more understanding. Sometimes I find myself defending gay people. They, as it happens with us, couldn't choose. You at some point find youself in a world that doesnt quite accept you, but it does expect a lot of things from you; and some of those things, you just can't give.


anyway, these are some thoughts i was having while on my way home. I just wanted to share them here.

Thank you for writing these down here on the forum. Your "essay" helped me a lot in understanding a little more about what my sons go through.

Kris

I am glad that you shared your thoughts. They have helped me.

Sleepless,

If I were you I would work a little on the book analogy, but I mostly agree with the others.

And YEAH.... I am not crazy about homosexuality, but the revelation that SO much of my personality and all is obviously linked to the AS HAS gotten me to think more about how homosexuals may have the same deal.

HECK, my voice sounds young, and several others here have that same, or similar, peculiarity. My voice certainly doesn't sound gay or feminine, but the idea that this can apparently affect the voice also makes one wonder.

im very glad that could be of some help, i was feeling really blue that day

If you put it that way, it kind of puts some perspective into how I read books--I read books as if they were mathematical algorithms, and maybe I treat people the same way. I don't get much more out of reading a fictional story than I do reading into people. If I don't understand why characters feel the way they do from reading a book, but only know what they are doing, it's the same with people; I know they are doing certain things, but I do not understand why they do it, necessarily, or why they feel that way. Reading some books might put people to tears or make them tingle or tremble with delight or emotion; reading books for me doesn't do that. I only get excitement from using a well used algorithm for speed reading books, not unlike solving a puzzle or getting a math solution.

I can relate to a what you said Sleepless,as I recently started a new job.I get
along ok with my colleagues but I don't really understand how their minds work
and get alarmed when they start anti-gay discussions.I think it's more like an anti- 'anything that isn't normal' attitude that pervades society. The women are just as
bad as the men,always talking about their partners and offspring as if to reaffirm that they are 'normal'.I'm not gay myself but with my AS I'm in another minority and it
makes me feel uncomfortable and less able to relate to the mainstream. I keep
having to read the books over and over again !

I think you articulate your thoughts very well and I empathize with a lot of what you wrote in your post. I am curious about the whole empathy thing. I am often frustrated with my experiences in college because I feel like I have a one-track mind to a certain extent: I can either only focus on school or only on friendships. When I am in a cruch as far as school work goes, I really don't have a social life because I find it hard to be attentive to others around me. It doesn't effect me so much when I'm working, but I'm wondering if others experience this problem at school.

Very good post sleepless168.

I suppose you could say that NT's gain the "ability" to judge a book by its cover, better than we can.

As for the parallel between AS and being gay, I often think about this. It's a very good example, as both forms of discrimination are based on a lack of understanding and fear of those that don't think in the same way.

Of course we have an advantage as ignorant people might just think someone with AS is "ret*d" where as they might think gays are evil!

I always look at it as the Autism Operating System. I read a poem that was called this and it just made sense. My brain seems to be on some other operating system than every one elses. It's like I got the wrong software somehow. The connections don't match up with everyone else's either. It's like we all have the same map but I always end up in a different place!

I hear what you say, it seems that hanging around with people for us (that are not close relationships) is like going to work. We have to use our willforce and whole attention to interact with people. It's like having a part time job besides your real job. When you think about it, most of the days you have to use your willforce to get your butt up and go to work; and for us aspies, its the same with people, that same will and that same energy, we use it on our interactions with people. If someone invites me to a party what i am hearing in my mind is: "Let's go to work really really hard for some hours in a friends house".
So, going to our real job is like doing two jobs in one; the thing is you only get paid for one of them. And if you go to school at the same time, that could easily turn into four jobs. No kidding. Add up the general anxiety to that and no wonder we are exhausted at times.


thank you for your comments.

Exactly! I often feel like I have to think very precisely and consciously when I have a simple conversation. Sometimes, it seems like I'm thinking on two tracks when I speak with someone: one is following the flow of the conversation and what other people are saying, the other is keeping track of social rules and how to respond. It's almost like I have an omniscient narrator in my head, as in a book. Does anyone else get this?

What happens with me is I think I know someone when I first meet them, but then it comes out later I totally misjudged them and I didn't really understand them at all! Or I apparently just go by the words they say when judging someone, and I can't see underneath. Mostly I tell people what I think of them, I can't help it, and it's either wrong and they are really hurt, or it's right and they are hurt also.

I had to be told the above things, and they make sense and stuff. I remember having to be taught to say "Thank you" and stuff, but I guess I'm not quite there yet, for example now I say stuff like "I'm sorry" way too much and when it's not appropriate