"Normal" people and time

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Some background to this: someone phoned me last night when I was at work, and left a message that they'd call back at 11am today. I had a discussion with my parents in which they told me that when people say 11am, it doesn't necessarily mean 11am, and that the person might call as late as noon.

My opinion on this is that "11am" should mean "within a few minutes of 11am"; and that calling an hour later than when one said one would is very discourteous. My parents think I'm being ridiculous and far too literal. Who is correct? (Obviously I think I am, but I'd like to know what other people think.)

If people mean that they will do something within a range of times, why do they give a specific time? Why not just say "late morning/early afternoon"? This will normally cause me to ask for clarification of what "late morning/early afternoon" means to that person, but at least it means I won't have to deal with the headache of things not being done the way I was expecting them to be done.

If people give a range of times in which they plan to do something, how far outside that range is it reasonable to expect them to stray? For example, if they say that they will call you between 11am and 1pm, would it be reasonable to expect them to call between 10:30am and 1:30pm, or even 10am and 2pm?

Why can't people be clear about these things? It is very confusing when people speak in specifics and act in approximates.

What can be frustrating to deal with is understanding that you are a semantic person in a world of pragmatists. Your parents understand that there is an implied "sometime after this when i'm not otherwise occupied, but not too long after this" they just don't want to waste time actually saying that. Because apparently they are in a super fast rush rush hurry to get somewhere because somebody said they would meet them for lunch at noon so they have to go hang out at the place from eleven to one in case they show up, can't waste the precious waiting around to account for vagueness time eliminating vagueness.

Maybe they were too busy to call up at the time they said they would. It doesn't really bother me because people usually call back late for whatever reason. Maybe they forgot? I usually forget things like that.
Anyway I wouldn't let it get bother me.

I often experinence confusion with this "I will call you at xxx time" or worse, "I will meet you at xxx time". I am always at least 5 minutes early to anything, because I am afraid that I will miss the other person's arrival or event, but it is never on time. I have learned that phone calls just means "I will call you sometime later, and an undisclosed time, so be waiting and ready to talk to me and sitting by the phone ready to answer on my time" and that when someone is picking me up, I still get there 5 minutes early, because I don't like being late, but I bring a book. I hate the phone because it is a demand from someone else for you to talk to them on their terms on their time, and leaves you no choices but to answer or not, and usually you have to answer because you don't know why the phone is ringing. (I LOVE Caller ID).

How do people learn and understand these implied meanings?



You're probably right. It bothers me because I just want the phone call to be over with, and I won't be able to properly relax and enjoy my day until that happens. It also bothers me because my brain throws a hissy fit when things don't happen the way I was expecting them to happen.



I do the same thing.


ANOTHER QUESTION: my experiences with people have shown that most people, when they say they will do something/be somewhere, actually do things up to half an hour later than they say they will. Given that there is evidence to show that I am intelligent and a fast learner, why does this experiential knowledge not sink in? Why is it so hard for me to remember that people do not always mean exactly what they say?

Crassus is correct. semantics versus pragmatics.

I relate completely to the OP. Try as I might, I am unable to understand this kind of fluidity in relation to time and commitments and what is verbally said and specified. It is all I understand and when there is a fluid divergence from this, I get in a bother and get very upset.

I have known intellectually, for many years, that people do not do what they say around times and the like. and yet I cannot alter the reaction I have. I try cognitively, to talk myself around, and I still return to the base level reaction which is to feel upset and confused and let down and thrown out because the plan that was agreed upon has not eventuated. i feel turmoil.

Even yesterday i had some business associates say they would call. they did not. I wait for two days. Of course, these people do not realise that for me, a phonecall of such a nature requires priming up for, and requires all sorts of mental preparations on my part. For them it is yet again a simple part of daily human life - a conversational/work skill learned and crafted and performed with relative ease and low stress. Not the same for me.
I am so confused and low at present that i feel like giving up on life. I am so very tired of trying. I just want to lie down and die.

"Normal" has nothing to do with it. Some people always make a point of being on time and some people couldn't care less.

It is like being neat or being a slob. People are different.

The "on time" thing was only an example. The point is that "normal" people's actions usually aren't always as specific as their words would suggest. I'm looking for advice on why this is, and how to deal with it.

This isn't an aspergers thing. When you need to take a call and you arrange a time, people should stick to that time. The best way of dealing with it is to take control of the conversation when the time is arranged. Let the person know, that you will be unable ot take the call at any other time.

That's what I would have done; unfortunately I wasn't at home when they first called for me, so this was impossible.

I'm NT and I would have thought that 11am would have meant BY 11am.. no later as well

Thank Christ, at least one of you "normal" people agrees with me.

If it's a business thing, like an actual appointment, then yeah you have a right to be annoyed etc but if it's just a friend, family or aquantence then you have to either just get used to it (perhas using CBT techniques) or avoid setting specific times for anything. I tend to answer unexpected phone calls around 50-80% of the time depending on how I feel (my instinct is to never answer) and usually feel a lot better during and after the call than if I don't answer, not answering only leads to guilt and anxiety. I realise that's easier said than done for a lot of folks on here though. One of the good thing about being human is we can override our instincts quite easily wth a little will power, it's seems to me the OP has an iron will.

i do not know how to answer for anyone else, but i am rather displaced if someone does not ring, or worse, arrive on time.

if a friend wants to come to my place, i tell them what time to get here. it is worse when they are early. i can tolerate 5 mins early, but if they are 10 minutes early, i express slight annoyance that i am not quite ready. if it is 30 mins early, then i get cranky and tell them they interrupted me and i am definitely not ready for them yet.

i let them in anyway, but it takes me a few minutes to get over it.

if they are late it is not as bad. they can be 10-15 mins late before i get annoyed.
my friends (all 3 of them) are NT's. when they come over, i must prepare my mind for them for about 20 mins before they come around.
ie. i must stop with all my mesmerizing things i am interested in, and think in terms of "world affairs" that happened recently or other things that they would be interested in.
this takes some doing, and it usually takes me 20 mins to force my mind into a way that will include them when they get here.

if they get here early, i am annoyed they are "shoe-horning" their way in to see me when i am not mentally ready to act in a way they will be unconcerned about.

if they get here late, i get cranky that i wasted my time thinking in a way i do not find pleasant for longer than i needed to.

with phone calls, it is inconvenient to have to "keep and ear out" for the phone. i like to wander around the grounds of my house and listen to loud music in the sound room (which does not have a telephone in it).
but i must sit in earshot of the phone waiting for people to ring when they are late.
if their call is not important, i do not stay near the phone for more than 5 mins after they said they would call.

another thing is that it may not be their fault if they are late, but it is always their fault if they are early.

It entirely depends on the situation. If someone invites you over for dinner or other form of gathering, and they say that it "starts at 5," this almost always means "any time after 5:15."

If it's a service call, they usually give broad time ranges, such as "I'll be over anywhere from 8 to noon" because they don't know how long the previous service calls will take. But even then, they may still show up at 1 and get upset if you aren't there. (This really annoys me, actually.)

If it's somewhere you work, saying 11 a.m. usually is much more spot on, within 5 (sometimes 10) minutes.

Outside of that, it is going to depend on the other person's motivation and what they are doing at the time. A basic rule of thumb is, "the more important it is for the caller to be punctual, the more likely it is that he will be punctual."

I'm a stickler for punctuality and when people tell me that they are going to do something at a certain time but don't, I can sometimes become quite bothered and perplexed over that. But when people tell me they are going to telephone me at a certain hour and don't, I can almost be overcome with joy for not having to use the phone.