When an aspie says "We'll work something out"...

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what does it mean?

My aspie ex has said that he intends to file for divorce 19 months ago and still has not done anything about it!

We found out of his AS after he left. Let me emphasize that I did not and do not want a divorce. I wanted to work it out, especially in light of the AS discovery. He's the one who wanted out.

He has slight executive dysfunction, but is otherwise able to take care of himself.

Since he left, I've done some major executive stuff on his behalf because I know him well enough to know that he won't do anything about them, and I don't want him to be in trouble. An example is he gave me the money to renew the sticker for his car registration. I gave him the sticker and he put it in his glove compartment. I told him to stick it to the rear license plate. He said he was going to take care of it later. A couple of weeks later, when I saw him again, I noticed that the sticker still was not on the plate. It seemed that he forgot all about it and I suspect the only time he would have remembered (had I not reminded him), is if he had been pulled over by a cop for an expired registration. He also does not care about his car. I told him when we were married that maintenance care on a car is better than one big ultra-expensive cost for neglect damage. He doesn't care if it runs out of oil, coolant, or any other minor things to keep it in condition.

Going back to my original problem, do you think it is up to me to initiate the divorce paperwork? Even though I can very well file on my own first, I have been hesitant all these months to proceed because my thinking is, if he's the one who wants rid of me so badly, shouldn't he be the one to get the ball rolling and file first? Why should I be the one to start when it wasn't I who wanted the divorce to begin with?

But the way all these months have passed, I fear that if the divorce process isn't started by me, that he will never do it and be happy enough to live his own life. He refers to himself as divorced already and is happy enough to let all his friends know about this.

So he said, "We'll work something out," but still has not done anything! Can someone please advise me of what may be going through his head? I cannot live my life in limbo for much longer and need closure in one way or another. If it's divorce he wants, then so be it. I'll sign, but I'm still waiting for him to present the papers.

you might as well prepare paperwork and do it yourself because after 19 months, he won't do it unless he finds someone else he wants to marry, then it will be a stressful rush to get it done. also, quit being his caretaker. he made the decision to leave, so even though he has AS he has to live with the consequences. you don't need to make a big deal about it, just quit doing it and move on.

you don't mention anything about careers or kids, but there are money things to consider that you should consult a lawyer about.

^^ dear Esther,
When you have met one Aspie, you have met one Aspie. In other words, there is a whole spectrum of reasons someone says anything, and being an Aspie does not mean there is a specific translation of the words or phrases used by any one of them.

That being said, I do understand about procrastination. I rarely do anything that is not in my face about it being done. Timeliness is not my forte. If I am not inconvenienced about something I will let it go and forget about it.

He left, so he is not being inconvenienced about still being married. This is not maliciousness, he is just not uncomfortable about his position and you are and time passes.

I would have done something about it myself long ago, but then I am seeing it from your position. He has no reason to act, so he doesn't. Does that make sense?

good luck,

Merle

Perhaps it means that he is looking for a solution that fits both of you, rather than having to have things a certain way.

When you tell him to do something, you should make him do it NOW so he won't keep forgetting and it will be out of the way he won't have to worry about stopping to do it later on. I always push my husband to do things NOW so he won't forget and he says I'm so demanding lol and I'm a mommy.

I find that can be the worst way. If you absolutely don't want me to do something, give me a hard time about doing it. I'll shut you out faster than you can blink!

for 19 months? unlikely. unless he's talked to her about her needs, he's not looking for a solution that fits both people. he's avoiding dealing with it. I can understand that, I do it all the time. that's why I can be realistic and say he likely won't deal with it until it causes a crisis for him, never mind how she feels day to day because of it. he might care how she feels, but that's not going to motivate him if he's put it on indefinite hold.

actually she shouldn't be doing anything for him. he left 19 months ago and already considers himself divorced. if she's going to get any peace in her own life, she needs to be able to move on which means finalize the divorce and stop caretaking.

I have to agree with bhetti. Esther, your "ex-husband" really doesn't have your interests in mind at all. He has already made the decision not to invest any energy into you. There's no reason for you to invest any energy in him. Just get the divorce paperwork done with and move on; the longer this lingers, the more it's going to drag you down unnecessarily. If you try to push him to do the paperwork, he'll just think of it as nagging and your being annoying, and it won't do much to get him to do things. He doesn't want to learn lessons from you, so if he's so insistent on that then by all means please indulge him and let reality hit him over the head. Let him get in trouble with the law, or with other people. Some people just have to learn the hard way. You're not his mother, nor should you have to be.

When an aspie says "We'll work something out", what it generally meant is "I'll do what is best for myself." Of course, this is a generalisation and i don't actually know your ex-husband, so i couldn't really say what he meant by it. I'd suggest you initiate divorce proceedings yourself.

no, that's what it means when an NT utters that phrase.

she doesn't want a divorce so she's probably not going to do anything to bring it on.

I am going to interpret "we'll work something out" to mean "I'm really not interested in figuring out any of the details. Make something happen the way you want it to and I'll be happy." I know that I procrastinate horribly if something doesn't interest me and there aren't immediate, undesirable consequences for just letting status quo proceed. I don't know if this is an AS tendency, but it rings a bell with me.

Well, I'm going to interpret 'We'll work something out" as, "I cant' deal with that. It's too hard. Please stop talking about it."

That's because I'm very much like your husband, and that's exactly what I would mean. Ha ha!

Sad, but true.

oh, it's like when someone listens to an explanation, then says "yes" and quickly followed by 'but' and then they totally blast your explanation to smithereens. The 'yes' is a pacifier.

From his actions, it's obvious that he doesn't really want to "work something out".

Different contexts mean everything, but in this context, I would assume that "We'll work something out" means

"I want to end this conversation now"

And it isn't really an Asperger's specific thing. Plenty of NTs end a conversation with a similar dismissive or promising phrase.

I echo people's comments to let him hang himself (not literally of course!). The longer you stay in his life, the more he will disappoint you, and the more likely you'll be to end up in one of those AS-hate groups like FAAAS (which will cause you to obsess over your horrible AS ex for years to come). Okay, the last part is optional, but still.

I don't have a plan yet,

but I will let you know what OUR plans are later.