Finding it difficult to say no to people?

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Hi there,

I was just wanting to ask you folks whether or not you have the same issue as I do and what, if any strategies there are to deal with this....

Basically, I'm getting to the point where I can't answer my phone any more because every time I do it seems to be someone canvassing me from such-and-such a charity, or that I've won a free home security system, and I'm really having a hard time saying no to these people.....

To give an example, I was contacted by the Red Cross the other day on some sort of fundraising drive, I told the woman I am on Incapacity Benefit so I can not spare the £20 a month she wanted from me, and I tried to explain to her that I can not commit to giving them any money, and she still talked me into giving them £10 every 3 months.

I find it very upsetting when this sort of thing happens, I try to explain to them I can't afford it and they somehow wrangle me around to their way even though I haven't got any money to spare!

Or when they stop me in town to sign me up to a catalogue and once again I try explain I never use catalogues and I can't really afford them and I still end up getting one sent out because they talk me into it by saying,

"Oh, you don't need to buy anything just have a look through it."

Every time it happens it makes me feel so stupid, nieve, and vunerable, I wish I could bring myself to hang up the phone or keep walking past these people, but that's rude. Having said that I know exploiting people is also rude and to some degree feel like these people make their living preying on people like me.

So I'm not sure what I should do.....

I had a similar problem communicating with people at my bank lately, and the lovely lady who takes our local AS social group suggested I tell them outright I have Asperger's Syndrome, but the truth is I'm worried people will start to patronize me even more.

I'm not so sure.

Do others have the same issue with people?

I have the same problem.

Just say 'no thanks', don't give them any reasons or information, because they'll then just try to overcome them to make you do what they want. Each time say 'no' again and keep walking or hang up. Pressuring people when they've already said no is extremely rude, so that means you don't have to be perfectly polite when people do it.

Also, don't be disappointed in yourself if you are pushed into things, just keep trying.

I tend to do this alot here are some examples.

While getting a funnel cake it wasn't that good well I dismissed it but my family said get a new one so my brother in-law went back up there and got me a frest hot one.

While at an auction I went up to pay and they said 100+ well I said sure but my dad came to me and yelled (I thought perhaps he bidded on more stuff) but apprently not.

I remember learning in Psychology class learn when to say no.

Not at all, I am actually too direct for most, since I always tell the truth in my mind or don't speak. (Only lie I am able to do are quite minor and to get rid of annoying NT who will never go away if I don't say anything but that lie)

Yes, I have that problem. That's why I completely shut out the conversation before any sales pitch. People who call me trying to sell me something often get very abruptly hung up on.

Yes. I mean, well, I have a problem with saying no, too. It was worse when I was a kid, and now I realize that this must have made me seem unfit and may have been one of the reasons for being subject to social rejection.

I have ended up buying a few subscriptions to things because of phone contacts and pressure from salespeople in person, but I ended the subscriptions later. Later I developed a strategy of telling anyone with something to sell who called me that "he's not here", pretending to be someone else. This kind of acting gives me a layer of separation, which helps.

Now I only use my cell phone, and I don't answer it unless I know who it is. This caller ID feature is built into the phone, and not only do I use it to filter out telemarketers, etc., but it also gives me a moment to mentally prepare because I know who it is before I answer.

NO, it's NOT.

LOL. I'm kind of a b***h, so that helps.

I can be played, I know. But that's often because there's something I want from that person and that makes me more vulnerable. I just have learned to be more aware of when I've letting myself be suckered by other people because of my own needs and wants.

But otherwise, good luck getting me to do something I don't want to do. My middle name's "Uncooperative."

As for charities, I simply say "Sorry, not at this time." It's polite, it's not a complete rejection, it's sounds like you are aware of what they want from you, and so it's hard for them to haggle you further.

I think this is excellent advice. You don't owe them an explanation for anything. For that matter, you don't owe them an answer beyond the first "no". If they persist, you're not obligated to provide further replies.

If anyone says "why not?" to you saying "no thanks" it's your right at that moment to show them offense. hit them hard. they'll back off. and you won't be any less of a person for it.

On the phone issue, I just say either no thanks or not interesting and then hang up.

I love the guy who invented the answering machine! Don't pick up unless I recognize the voice (often not even then - sometimes just wait until I feel like calling them back). Caller ID on cell phones is the next best thing.

Same with answering the door. If I don't recognize the knocker(s), I don't even acknowledge that I'm home. But I have a lot less trouble saying no the older I get. It still makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for a minute or two, but I get over it.

This is great advice, and not always immediately apparent. Most people don't explain their reasons for things honestly because they don't want to debate them--in fact, offering a rationale behind why you're saying no can be taken as an expression of interest. If you refuse someone with the excuse "I'm sorry, but no, it's too difficult to move my schedule around," it will interpreted as an invitation to enqiure about different times. It feels rude and sometimes unnatural for me to have to refuse information to people, but that's the way the social game is played.

Yeah, that's me. I'm in the US, so I put myself on the "Do Not Call List." for that very reason.

On the phone, just say no and hang up. I did telemarketing, and they get a lot of people that do that. It's actually better for them so that way you aren't wasting their time and they can move on to the next caller. If you start giving out reasons, they are required by their job to keep trying which kills their time to move on to the next call. So you would be doing them a favor. But, I knew all that, and I still can't say no. I finally did put myself on the do not call list because I got scammed from a legitimate company that shouldn't be legitimate.

With people face to face, I just say I'm not in a position to help them and I'm sorry. I then offer advice, and usually that scares the users away because the users (people who are always looking for other people to take care of them for them) will usually not put up with the time consuming event of listening because they want to try to find someone else who will "help" them. I kept saying yes to people like that in the past, and it got so out of hand with me giving away money and babysitting people's kids and letting them borrow things like my car, my phone (sometimes for weeks at a time), and so forth that I just had to start saying no for sake of my children. I will help out my best friend as long as it doesn't become a habit of her asking me first, and same with my family, but as far as neighbors and landlords and other people I get to know without knowing them that well... generally people who would resort to asking someone for things they don't know too well are the type who do it to everyone because they refuse to do for themselves, so if you say no, I'm sure they'll find someone else to do it instead, so they don't really need your help afterall. And don't be fooled either because users have no profile. They can be rich drug free people or poor crack feens equally. (not sure how to spell feen, but it's not a word I can look up)

Throughout my life I have also struggled with the difficulty of saying no to people.
As a result, I have been walked on and taken advantage of by people. I have learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to say no regardless of what other people think because it's impossible to please everyone and people are not meant to be perfect.

Yeah. Good idea with deciding not to tell any of these people about your AS. I know that a lot of people in the AS community (both AS and NT) think that full, universal disclosure is the cure-all to all of the problems associated with AS, but it's clearly not.

If they have any reason to believe that you're "mentally vulnerable", they're guaranteed to go in for the kill. They are less likely to pressure someone that sounds intimidating. That, and you get the whole "invalid" treatment on the phone. No thank you.

My trick is to just tell surveyors and telemarketers that I'm just heading out the door. It also helps to get a specific ring for long-distance calls, to pre-screen them out.

I just heard a funny quote on Seinfeld that you might find useful.


Seinfeld: (Answering phone) Hello.

Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?

Seinfeld: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later?

(A long Pause) Telemarketer: Well, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.

Seinfeld: I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Seinfeld: Well, now you know how I feel. *click*



I do find it hard to say no, people have borrowed money from me and not payed me back, now i just say i don't have any money, and for telemarketers i just say "No thanks, i don't wan't to waste anymore of your time." hang up.

I'm not as trusting of people anymore, last guy i thought was my friend stole money and video games from me.