Eye Contact

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This topic gets mentioned alot but I wanted to pull it out of other threads and ask some things about it.

As a child I did not make eye contact and it infuriated my father. I was punished for it and told often that people will always think that I'm lying if I don't look them in the eye. This was VERY troubling, as I don't lie and was horrified to learn that people would assume I was lying if I didn't look at their eyes. It was a very big dilemma.

I've made a huge effort all of my life to make myself look right in people's eyes. Especially during times like interviews or other across the desk sort of things in offices, when it seems to be the most important.

Here's the question I really hope others here will answer tho - what do you see when you DO make eye contact? For me - I cannot focus on BOTH of a person's eyes. Never have been able to. I have to pick looking at ONE eye OR the other, and I always fear I'm looking at the wrong eye somehow or end up shifting back and forth - looking only at one eye, and then only at the other.

I lose track of what I'm saying if I'm looking at eyes. Partly because I'm looking from one eye to the other, and partly because it takes a conscious effort - my brain saying "REMEMBER TO KEEP LOOKING AT THE EYES" which distracts from the other thoughts I had or the things I had to say.

If I am successfully looking at the eyes and they're the only one doing the talking, I generally feel like I'm falling into their eyes or getting sucked in or something... and I lose track of what they were saying

I've been complimented on eye contact before - something I was very proud of that it was singled out in the interview and mentioned - but many times if I'm good at eye contact I'm not good at speaking or listening, or I overdo the eye contact and the person I'm talking with thinks I'm in love with them or something. That's happened alot and as a woman you don't want to be staring deeply into a man's eyes that you hardly know.

But to the real question - WHAT EXACTLY about eye contact bothers you, what do you see, do you experience the same things that I do?

I see a big scary face.

When I make eye contact I can't talk properly or listen properly. There's also this feeling like the person is thinking negative things about me. I just hate people looking at me in the eye and I hate looking them in the eye.

Hi Earthmom

Although I have forgiven my adoptive parents, and found in my heart to love them. They were both very cruel and spiteful to me. If I did not look them in the eye and behave in a 'normal' manner I would be humilated. Consequently to survive by being 'otherly focused' by that I mean, I learned the art of mimicing normaling to such a refined degree that I became deeply depressed.

With re eye contact, I too can only focus on one eye, (I have never questioned this being an aspie thing) and always switching between the two hopeing and praying the other will not notice. I too have been complimented by the average person for the 'contemplitive quality of my eye contact, however, inside I am anxious that others will see my trickery.

When I sing in public (folk clubs) I cannot sing and open my eyes at the same time. However, I can listen to others talking (I am a counsellor) and give excellent eye contact, in the full knowledge that they are so focused on themselves that they most likely will not be focusing on me.

Because I am naturally insequre I feel a longing for other to give me I contact in order to feel wanted and affirmed.

Chris

That was beautifully written, Chris. Thank you for responding. I'm very sorry about your parents and I share that upbringing with you. It makes being Asperger much more confusing and complex - to have so much more to deal with in addition to your own issues. I understand that.

You're the only person I've ever had tell me that they also look at only one eye or the other and shift between the two. I've asked NTs from time to time (carefully - only those who won't think too badly of me as being a weirdo for admitting this quirk) and none of them share this with me.

Is it an Aspie thing?

I look forward to hearing from others here.

Your picture is quite striking - not only as a handsome guy but that you're looking directly into the camera. Looks like good eye contact!

My mom, if she'd be standing behind the person or next to them or something, would glare at me and point to her eyes. She still does that now, actually, but to a much lesser extent now that she knows why it makes me so uncomfortable.

I can't really describe my discomfort. It's not like I'm looking at something that's horrible to look at. I can look at pictures of scary/gross stuff just fine (like screamers, horror movies, etc). It's just really unnerving. I don't look into people's eyes when I make eye contact. I just look directly THROUGH them, almost like they're transparent and I'm staring at the wall behind them. I'm pretty sure my eyes probably have some weird, glazed over look.

And it's not just strangers that make me uncomfortable. Even my family, friends, boyfriend... can't keep eye contact with any of them for very long. I'll sit on the couch with my boyfriend and watch TV and we'll talk and I'll just stare straight ahead. He'll drive me somewhere (and he's NT) and we'll talk during the drive and I'll not make eye contact with him assuming that he can't make it with me because he has to keep his eyes on the road, but no... he'll periodically glance over at me and then I have to glance back and I don't know what makes it so uncomfortable.

Then try telling the truth about something to your parents when you neurologically CAN'T look them in the eyes and they think you're lying, but you're really not. When I actually AM lying, I think they know because that's when I try really hard to make eye contact.

I have a much easier time giving eye-contact, if I trust the person that I'm talking to. If I don't trust the person, forget it. I'll go as far as not to talk to them, unless they talk to me, first.

I can't do it, I've tried lately, I've been looking my electronics teacher in the eye when he talks to me for a second or two and it's horrible, but hopefully I get better at it.

I started attempting eye contact 6 months ago, and I've progressed quite far. It still does not come normally to me, so I just remind myself just once, mentally, before starting a conversation.

I have also learnt to read eye emotions. I know now what eyes look like when one is angry, sad, happy, etc.

Just make eye contact 30-50% of the time. If you make too much, NTs think you want something from them. Make too little, and they think you're not interested.

Don't force eye contact off abruptly. Finish a sentence, then shift. Look slightly away to the right or left, not towards the mouth. Some people tend to think they have someone on their lips or teeth. Rinse, and repeat.

It helps a lot to look at them kindly, with a bright and friendly face. Make it genuine, not forced.

Also, observe NTs when they are conversing. It helps. Keep an eye on body language as well as eye behaviour.

I understand how hard it will be initially, with that strange 'force' trying to push your eye contact away. Ignore it, you'll find it easy to overcome.
l
A few weeks of training, and you've got the hang of it. ^^

thank you earthmom

I wrote a book last summer, and the publisher wanted a picture of me. So I got my best friend to take hundreds of pictures in the hope that one came out ok...........I was amazed at how wooden, lob--sided and strange I looked, but this one was the best.

I am really curious about what you said about askng others about this one eyed thing. I am going to ask others today......

Go well

Chris

My Father tells me "It's weird and people will think you are weird" - It got to me a bit before I told him about Aspergers and now he's stopped.
My Grandmother also scolds me like mad. So now I HAVE to look her in the eyes or she yells at me.
Basically it literally hurts to look someone in the eyes. I tense up and move my hands around alot and my heart beat raises. Its like being put under examination.
I told my Art teacher about it and he sympathized instantly. He told me about when he worked with Native Americans, the students didn't look teachers in the eyes due to respect.

I think the speculation that the discomfort with eye contact is a result of some dysfunction of the amygdala is very interesting.

http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/42/2/17.1.full

I remember being punished for "not doing" normal things,
which had no good effect, but lack of eye contact was not
one of those things.

I didn't know about eye contact until... well I'd watch my
more popular friends to see what magic was making them
popular, and I asked a counselor about that phenomenon,
which I just didn't see in my "studying my friends". My counselor
was aware of the obvious differences in body language and
explained eye contact to me, although I don't remember, and
sometimes don't follow "the rules" depending on my mood,
but one thing that is missing from this thread that might be helpful
is "the rules" about eye contact. It may be the negative feelings
about it that were made by force that bothers some people,
unless some are actually phobic about eyes, but when I did
know "the rules" of the game of eye contact, I made a list of
them and studied it, since it was naturally absent and needed
to be learned. It is too bad I don't remember but it isn't so big
a deal as if you are suspected of telling lies, it just makes the
other person feel as weird that you don't "talk with your eyes"
as it makes you when you try to do it. If you are just anxious
(sorry, IN PANIC) about not doing it right, watch people do it
and if you still can't figure it out then ask to be taught how
like I did, for the sake of not looking unfriendly to people you
don't intend to look unfriendly to.

Where I live now, people are rather neutral, and have a million
other things to be busy and worried about than seeing my eyes,
so although I notice myself sometimes looking down or away, they
often don't notice. Neutral is not the right word. I mean my
neighbors don't hate me but they aren't inviting me over for
tea or coffee all the time either, which is just something neighbors
did a lot more in the past, like in 1980.

Like most things in life, I have to force myself. Despite how much I scream on the inside, I continue to look. It only works though when I'm in a situation where I'm able to focus on it, otherwise I usually fall back to my timorous ways. I am too complimented at times on holding good eye contact, when I am able to focus and am able to force myself.

When I do, I usually look beyond the eyes. I box as a hobby, so one of the things we are taught is when you throw a punch, you need to aim behind the target. That's how I approach eye contact, I don't look directly at the persons eyes, I look through the person or sometimes, I'll look at the persons nose and laugh

The only time I actually try to look at a persons eyes is someone I have deep feelings for, such as my daughter. Though she has trouble making eye contact too!

Does lack of eye contact affect people's perception of you that much? Eye contact has always been extremely uncomfortable for me and I can only do it now with people who are very familiar (like my mother). I do it now in small glances. Ironically enough, if I am very attracted to someone I don't know well, it's virtually impossible for me to meet their eyes. People used to ask me who I was talking to because they would be looking at the side of my head.

It's distracting and it feels like looking into the sun. I can put up with it for a few seconds for the sake of convincing people of my sincerity. I learned that people liked it after I got yelled at for not doing it and after reading a book where someone finds a character trustworthy because of the way he looks into her eyes when he talks, so I taught myself to ignore the discomfort.