Newbie needs advice about marriage to NT

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Please help.... I've been lurking for while but not sure how to jump in with posting. I'm at the end of my rope and just don't know what to do anymore.

A little history. 42 year old stay at home mother of 2 elem kids, been married to an NT for 16 years. We've been making each other miserable for most of that. I first learned about AS late last year and knew immediately that it was me they were talking about. I "cover" pretty well outside the home because my mother drummed social behavior into me but pretty much revert at home. Needless to say, that means my husband has gotten the short end of the stick -- poor emotional and physical support.

He can't take it anymore and we've been fighting about almost everything (well, he's been yelling) daily for months now. He understands the AS and gets that I'm trying but is still massively frustrated. I do understand that I'm not giving him what he needs -- I can't argue with him so I just shut down and listen but am unable to do anything about it.

I'm thinking at this point that maybe disolving the marriage is the best bet. Anyone have advice out there? How did you make your marriage work? Or are you (and your family) better off apart? What was it like for your kids? I need all the input I can get. Please please help before I mess everything up further.

I think that you should file for divorce.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I can't offer any advice, as I'm pretty much in the same situation....just giving my support. I've been married to a guy who has ADHD but not AS for over 25 years. I'm also in my 40s and we have three kids, 16, 12, and 9 years old. I know all about the yelling and not really being able to argue...I've been dealing with that for quite some time, as well as the self-esteem issues that happen as a result. When I look at the situation as an observer, I think it's better to separate, but I find that easier said than done (as I am not very tolerant of change, especially one that massive) so I'm not going to advise one way or the other.

Hang in there, no matter what you decide to do. Like I said, I wish I were in a position to offer more than just my moral support, but I don't want to be a hypocrite

~Kate

You might do well to get some relationship counselling from somebody who understands AS, if there is such a thing in your area.

I always expect the NT partner to become more patient once they've realised what the problem is, but I've heard of cases where that doesn't happen. My own wife moved out as soon as the diagnosis came through, though she has no intention of ending the relationship or looking for a new partner... ...I don't understand why, because I thought that with the new understanding, she'd be a little more forgiving now that it was clear I wasn't just being "awkward" for the sake of it. Best guess is that some partners take it hard that nagging and appealing to the Aspie's "better nature" can no longer be used to try to fix problems. I suppose it can be quite a shock to have to drop old coping strategies and to look for new, more realistic ones.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I'm afraid I don't know of much that would help. I would think that your partner needs to calm down a bit before any good can be done. He might behave himself better if somebody you both respect and trust were also in the room.

What I'd like is a list of the main things that NTs find so hard to cope with when living with an Aspie....what are these great frustrations?

Not hardly. I get accused of using it as an excuse .



According to my husband, the fact that I don't communicate well emotionally, that I seem to be "off in my own world" much of the time when I'm not at work, that my sensory issues have at times made me not want to be touched (and now *he* won't touch *me* at all...I think he's trying to hurt me so I "understand" how he feels, but it only makes me angry), that my organizational skills suck, that there are some things (like calling people on the phone out of the blue) that I can't seem to do, that I say I'll try to do something and then not be *able* to do it, that I can't seem to change these things...

~Kate

Kate,

Are you married to my husband too?

LOL...I was going to ask you the same thing!

I am having a really hard time with this because when we first met he did know what I was like with a lot of those things and he seemed to be accepting, but now he has no tolerance for any of it. He changed, I didn't, now what?

~Kate

Strange......I don't know how I fare with "communicating well emotionally" - if anybody wants to know how I feel, all they have to do is ask and I'll try to give them a straight answer. Is that not enough?

The touch problem does sound like he's making it worse.....almost as if he thinks he can starve you into submission. A much healthier response would be to just accept that there are times when a person isn't ready to be touched. I'm sure even NT's have times like that. When I was a lot younger I'd have probably had a similar immature response, but I eventually worked out that a partner is a real person who may or may not be able to give the exact response I'd like at the exact time I want it. Sounds like he's still got his own issues about this one, though I'm only guessing.

The inability to phone somebody out of the blue - that's only to be expected. I've noticed that if I force myself to do that when I'm not ready, the result is a very garbled conversation that usually does more harm than good. But that's how it is, and I don't see why it should threaten a relationship. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and the answer is to let the one who's good at a thing do it, while the other does things that they're good at.

I would agree with the earlier poster about seeking therapy - I think you need to at least give it a try with a couple different therapists before going further.

Being an Aspie, I must give LOTS of credit to my Wife. I have had temper outbursts, said irrational or insulting things. ADD stuff, on and on...

All my previous relationships have failed because of something related to the ADD or AS.

The difference? It's all her - 99% of the time she stays calm. Over the years I have greatly improved because of this. I learn what she does, and I do it too. She knows when to stop talking. Sometimes when she just stops talking in the middle of an argument, it really gets me crazy, but, after the dust settles, I realize how stupid I was acting and that she was just choosing not to participate in my infinitely escalating argument.

Hope things work out for you.

I think this is a good point about the coping strategies.... I think most of the time his view now is that I realize what my issues are and I should be able to "fix" them. After all, I'm okay with the people I work with or kids activities, etc. We've tried counseling before (many times) before the AS and after the last time, he said that he's done all the hard work trying to accept me and now it's my turn to do the hard work and figure out how to fix things. (ie, he doesn't want to go through counseling again.... I'd be on my own which he is encouraging).

As for the things that I've done, there are some biggies in there that Kate mentioned like beginning the cycle of a lack of a physical relationship and not "getting" what he needs emotionally or not being there because it's too awkward. These underlie all the small things that he takes as proof that I don't care enough....

Recent small things have been.....
- I baked and decorated a "fabulous" cake for DS birthday on the 14th. I asked hubby if he wanted one for his birthday on the 19th. He said not to go to the trouble since we'd need another cake on the 20th when his family comes to town to celebrate both birthdays. So, I didn't make him a cake. He was upset that I didn't even pick up a store cake for the 19th. What doesn't he get, that when he says it's not necessary, I will take him at his word.
- After his family leaves (big family -- 10 adults visiting, 6 kids) and we're done with the whole day of entertaining, we sit on the sofa a while. I wanted to watch a movie to relax; he wanted us to go to bed. I tell him I'm going to come up with him and we get into a big fight about "do I even really like to spend time with him anymore?" come on.....


I get that it's not REALLY the small things, but come on....

This is soooo what we need in our relationship! I'm so glad you're with someone who can understand and you can work together. Congratulations!

For those that seem to think it is hard to be married to an NT. Do you believe it would be easier if you were married to someone with AS? Or harder still because your partner would come with their own special issues plus lack of empathy or being able to see things from your perspective?

I think that it always takes both people to work on a relationship, and that it's not realistic for one partner to decide that they've done all they can and just leave it all up to the other one.



Sounds like he's still locked into expecting reassurance of your caring via the standard NT routes. That's not likely to happen.


I suspect he's got some big insecurity issue about not being loved, or he'd not be taking these things so hard. Pity he won't do any more counselling - it's the kind of problem they could probably shed some much-needed light on.

I think it can be easier or harder depending on the aspie. Even being married to an NT can be hard.

I'm not sure as I've actually never met another Aspie before I imagine it comes with it's own set of problems but I think there would be more understanding.... ie, both think along parallel lines versus horizontal axis.

I'm not sure as I've actually never met another Aspie before I imagine it comes with it's own set of problems but I think there would be more understanding.... ie, both think along parallel lines versus horizontal axis.