I Lie Alot - aspergers vs. dishonesty.

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Hey, I was diagnosed with AS for the second time - first being when I was in gradeschool, I am now entering adulthood. For as long as I can remember, I've had a tendency to lie - alot. Not just white lies to get out of trouble or to protect someone. I lie about anything from my thoughts, intentions, plans, interests etc, it has come to the point where people get the wrong image of me, even friends or family don't know the true me. Not that I'm a bad guy or anything, I'm a bit self centered I must admit - but with a realistic image of my strenghts and weaknesses, not always taking the feeling of others into consideration. I want those around me to feel good, and I could never harm another person intentionally, but I know that I'm making things harder for them by not telling the truth. They really want to help me, but I tell them that I'm fine, that I have few problems even though I'm suffering from depression and everythings falling apart. I intentionally 'control' the way others view me, and I've become quite good at it. The image I strive to create could be described as grandiose on some parts (on aspects that I consider important, like the intellectual component.. I don't care about being popular, good at sports or anything practical), while I'm honest about some of my weaknesses. But I suspect I do this to make the lies believable and to give a false impression of modesty. I'm far from narcinarcissistic hower, as I maintain a realistic self image, and I have low self esteem. As stated I don't do this to hurt anyone around me, I do however take some pleasure in lying - other times I feel guilty, but only of I'm afraid the truth will be discovered. I feel that I moderate this tendency if I risk being caught, but the more distant the relationship between me and the person I'm being dishonest to the more I lie. On the internet I'm 'out of control', and by the end of this post I predict I will be dishonest atleast once ( don't worry, I've been sincere till now.. granted this the previous statement was true). I spend time making up false stories, something I take pleasure in, even though I rarely get the opportunity to tell them, as I don't find myself in a social context very often (this will be the first topic I make in a forum in about a year btw), but I still enjoy it and it gives me some false feeling of self worth, that is soon to be crushed when depression and self destructive thoughts hits. I know deceiving one self is common, and a source of happiness- but I'm far from happy and far from being normal. I don't do this as often as I criticize myself, I tend to be honest with myself, I just wish I could be that way around others. Surely being dishonest has some advantages to it, but with time people - as naive as they might be, will realize.

Maybe I just suck, and lying is a way for me to boost my selfesteem (though only for a short time). Maybe I feel like I have to compensate for my weaknesses, but feel like I can't because i'm to hard on myself. I find myself lying to seem more intellectual than I am - though I would probably qualify for mensa, and my grades were not that bad, I do obsess over the wrong things and I can't persue interests for a very long time due to a long term depressions which I haven't told anyone about (recurring suicidal thoughts). This combined with with social anxiety, lack of motivation to do anything with my life, lack of friends or desire to have them adds up and makes me feel worthless, and could be the cause of my dishonesty.
It could also be because I've been a subject to bullying , perhaps I feel like I can't trust anyone or let them into my life and thus lie to keep distance and to prevent them from hurting my feelings. But then again, I've always been quite distrustfull, and my need for distance and privacy could be a trait of AS. On the other hands, I used to get critized but my parents a lot, and there would be consequences - even punishment such as beating, for whatever I did wrong. Maybe I discovered that not telling the truth reduced the severity of those consequences, and applied lies to other situations as well. I think this could be the reason why I used to lie in early childhood, as for now it's more complex. Some lies could simply be caused by my lack of social skills. Perhaps I'm deliberately lying to seem interesting/ have something to talk about, because I don't know what is appropriate to talk about or simply because i'm a boring person living a boring life that noneone would be interested to hear about. As I said, I'd like the confidence to be honest, but with time it has gotten complicated. I've spun a web of lies, they're basicly 'who I am' and integral to how others think of me, so if I were to reveal all of them, I don't know what would happen and I don't want to find out either. This is the only reason why I like meeting new people, it gives me a fresh start, even though I screw up eventually. Maybe I'm exaggerating the severity of my dishonesty, after they play an essential part in me being able to function in social settings, but there have been times where I just want to be honest for once.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, as its mostly my reflections and I can't see how there could be much room for discussion, but it sure feels good, though I'm a kinda paranoid when it comes to posting personal info online. In relation to asperger syndrome, I'd like to add that my tendency to lie, caused me to question my diagnosis, as people with AS are generally thought of as socially naive and not very good at lying/don't do it alot. I now know that this just a silly stereotype. You could have AS and lie just as much as a nt, or even more, and be just as skilled at it, but then I again I think most AS find lying pointless, as they complicate things and make it even harder to 'read' others. I'm sorry of if this post was too long, I didn't intend it to be, but I have a lot at my chest.

how did you get diagnosed with aspergers?

I have very strong internal resistence to lying. I've learned to do it a bit, those little social lies, white lies, etc. but for things that don't run on a script... can't do it. My brain scrambles even considering it in those situations where you KNOW it would save someone's feelings, it's not worth the trouble the truth will cause, you'll get clobbered... cannot lie.

So I've settled for just trying to figure out nice ways to state what I think/know. Which still gets me into trouble, but at least I can live with myself.

What your describing is very atypical for asperger's, perhaps you were miss-diagnosed.

I really struggle trying to lie but can say can say a white lie
like "this pie is good"when it is so so.

I lied a lot in high school, to protect my feelings from being hurt, by my parents.

Maybe atypical, but not completely unheard of...I feel the strong resistance to lying now, but as a child and up into my teens it was a coping/defense mechanism for me...I had trouble filtering the stuff that left my mouth...and I ended up being a rampant story teller for a while...to where I felt as though it was a bit beyond my control. Some of the lies were ways for me to try to relate to others...though they had the opposite effect.....Some of the lies were exaggerated truths...that I took to an absurd level because it was a reflection of my difficulty in processing certain things.....I don't do this anymore, and I feel really hyper-sensitive when something like that slips out of my mouth...um...I am glad I outgrew it.
I am not good at social white lies or insincerity just for the hell of it or other stuff like that at all...
I have heard stories of parents having aspie children who had a tendency to lie alot...so I know I am not the only one...and I have heard of aspie adult liars too....I think it is a coping mechanism...I never did it in order to hurt or manipulate...and there was seldom any deliberateness...to it....and it was rarely believable...

Honesty isn't in the AS criteria. My aspie mate also lied. I lied too as a child because I was trying to stay out of trouble but mom always knew. One time I made up a story about having ten hamsters in a bush. Sometimes I made up stories.

So seek a career in politics or advertising. You should be very successful.

I get into trouble for not lying.

Yes, and if you're diagnosed then you're lying about lying. You can't lie. Wait, but you did lie about lying. Or if you are telling the truth about lying then you are lying. But you can't lie. But... but...

<-- Head explodes

Really, though, that could be true. While we have a propensity for honesty, the diagnosis does not preclude lying. We are all as different as snowflakes and just as beautiful. Wow, I'm in a sappy mood today.

It sounds like you might be a pathological/compulsive liar. You might want to look into that.

Blatant, outright lying is generally very difficult for me. However, my family has a hard time believing me when I tell them something, because I have a tendency to exaggerate and embellish the truth a lot. And I've always been good at telling white lies, because one of my worst fears is hurting someone's feelings.

I will sometimes only tell part of the truth just to simplify things that i don't feel like talking about much, or, say, if something in the kitchen falls and dad says "what was that?" i instinctively say "nothing" even if something fell and spilled... just because i don't feel like explaining it, and i would rather just clean it up and go about with whatever i'm doing instead of him coming in there to see and everything. So, i can lie sometimes to hide things from people i guess, but it's kind of rare.. And i can't remember telling lies that actually add something to a story or whatever, mostly just omitting things or being really vague when i'm trying to protect myself from judgement.

Im not even going to read that all because its too long, but obviously over lying for no reason frequently means your a pathological lier. You should work on not doing it because other people will know and it will cause you problems. Ive known many pathological liers and they lose my trust once I catch them and it doesnt take me long to figure them out by watching their patterns. Its a proven fact that everyone lies sometimes but doing it too much or for pointless reasons is not a good idea. Most people just lie to get out of trouble or to make themselves look good.

If only I had the social skills for politics, in fact I believe my dishonesty might be caused by my lack of social skills. I'm in no way charismatic, though I think I come forward as a nice person i feel socially awkard and stumble alot in conversations. As for being good at lying, I'm not sure if I am, maybe others pretend to believe me to be nice, just like I pretend to believe their lies. I certainly don't want to do this, mostly its exaggerations or made up anecdotes, but sometimes I find myself lying about the most meaningless things. I'd like to point out that I don't think I'm a pathological lier .- you may disagree, but I'll leave you to your opinion. Other times I'm unable to tell a lie though I really want to. I'm in alot of confusion atm, I feel like I don't fully understand myself and sometimes jump from one conclusion to another.



As for people questioning my diagnosis, I can see why as people with aspergers are thought of as being '100% honest' and unable to tell a lie. In fact my psychiatrist listed honesty as one of my strenghts, that made me feel so guilty and ashamed. I scored quite high on the aq test, It's the second time being diagnosed first one being in early childhood. I had serious behavorial issues, refusing to socialize had very narrow interests insisted on a strict routine. 2 years later however, my behaviour had changed , I was no longer a 'troublemaker' being quiet, doing as I was told to and doing good in my subjects. I still had severe emotional problems with several suicidal thoughts/attempts at young age, and did not function well on a social level - though I had some friends I've never felt close to anyone. Causing no problems at school, I was undiagnosed hower. I did not receive proper treatment, I was raised a NT I was never told about AS, though I had my suspicions. Suddenly I was left on my own, to my own negative way of thinking and my depression and social anxiety got worse. I'm extremely introvert by nature, can't talk about anything personal like emotions (if anyone asks I say I don't have them, sometimes I wish that was true) or human relationships (something I desire, but which I feel like I'm not entitled to cause of my inability to express basic human emotions, being open about things and being intimate w/o feeling pain or anxiety). Once I entered adulthood, I was suddenly a problem again, I couldn't work cuz of social problems, lacked the motivation to study though I had good grades, and I was asocial to the extreme (even for someone with as), hadn't talked to my closest relatives for 1-2 years and isolated myself from social contexts and reality, obsessing over computer related interests when absense of depression allowed me to do so. Other people became boring, and I did not see the point of social interaction - the disadvantages of being social exceeded the advantages for me. I don't seek out social contact, not even on the internet where eye contact, body language and sensory issues are not a concern, but I've never thought of myself as shy though I 'never' initiate social interaction. I had been reading this forum for a while before 'forcing' myself to make an account and post, but to this day I have less than 10 posts and none of them are about very personal matters. Seeing someone with 5,000 posts does not seem very asperger/autistic to me (though it is usual to obsess over things), just as lies may seem neurotypical to some.