I hate myself

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Don't you ever have those moments, where you really want to beat yourself up? Or turn back the clock and reverse a situation?

Okay, so let me give you some background information. I had a journalism assignment that was to find someone of my school, teacher, student, campus police, etc. To interview. They had to be doing something newsworthy and write as if I'm writing for the school newspaper. It was a profile about someone.

So, I knew the teacher I wanted to do. I asked the teacher that I wanted to do, and they said sure. They were going to meet me today at a cafe. Well I had researched overnight the map and how to get there. Well low and behold, I got lost. Even though I had figured how to get there. Reason I got lost because they are a small place with a faded small street sign on the sidewalk. There is no tall pole, and the place is hidden and tucked away in a back alley.
So, now I'm late and lost the location of the place I was going. [mistake number 1] Earlier I had all my questions prepared, when I was getting ready doing things like getting my PJs off and brushing me teeth, I wanted an interview that was natural and felt like a conversation, not an interview. Something my teacher speaks about doing in an interview in class.
Well when I finally get there, after being late. I suddenly get nervous and full of anxiety when I see my teacher. When he says how are you and such. I am speaking low, laughing [out of nervousness] and I think I word vomited[word vomits means to string a bunch of words together and ramble them out all really fast.] some strings of some very confusing sentences. [mistake number 2].

Teacher tells me I should get a drink and settle myself down before we interview. So I say, yeah okay. I get myself a drink. I think I've calmed down, but I really haven't. I'm not trying to have a panic mode, I just am. I try to fix it. Try to calm myself down. I had told myself I was not going to be robotic for this interview and I wasn't going to word vomit questions. Well guess what happens. Out of all the awkwardness of the feeling of the interview and the lack luster conversation, I word vomit questions. Just a string of questions with bits and pieces of odd conversation as I struggle to make a connection. [mistake number 3]. Worse of all I was very robotic, I had no personality, and I was sure I was making him feel my nervous energy. [mistake number 4].

Afterwards, when we're done with the interview, we thank each other. We say our goodbyes and he's gone. I decide to finish my tea. So then out of the whole feel of already being awkward and feeling a bit ret*d. I walk up to the guys at the counter of this cafe, and ask "where do I put my mug and tea pot away?"
The guy looks at me and replies, you leave it there and we pick it up whenever.
I replied, oh that's good...ehhehhe[nervous laughing]....I don't...I'm not use to leaving my cup on the table in a cafe is all," Also again I did a nervous laugh with a nervous snort laugh in between.
He smiles. Now I feel even more stupid. I pick up my trash and throw it away. I stand around for maybe a second feeling a bit mortified. [mistake number 5]

I was so uncool, unsmooth, and I am absolutely mortified. At this moment in time, I wish I had a machine so I could reverse this whole situation and make it better.
Problem, I don't have those powers. Right now, I really hate myself. I made myself out to be a robotic fool. Who snort laughs when nervous. Also I ramble and make awful lame jokes when I am nervous too. And feeling awkward, exposed.

Last edited by Clyde on 05 Nov 2010, 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had an interview recently and I was really nervous into panic attack mode.
You just gotta learn not to be so nervous.

I was the one doing the interview. I am in a journalism course. And was suppose to write a profile about a teacher. A profile is basically like a mini biography.

I often have times like that.

Try not to hate yourself. You seem to be trying to live up to what you consider a "normal" standard and then getting very upset when you can't reach it. I know, I used to do this all the time too. I do it less now. If you have AS, your "normal" is different to everyone elses and may never be the same. You have to make some allowances for this and not beat yourself up over it. Other people need to make allowances too, and if they know you have AS they very likely will do.

The first thing I would have done if I were you was explain to the teacher straight away that you have AS (if the don't already know) then I would tell them that "I may have trouble communicating today, so bear with me."

Being ruthless with yourself and expecting yourself to be able to act and speak exactly as NTs do is only going to lead to frustration and self-loathing.

I second all of the "stop beating yourself up over this" advice. It was probably about 10% as bad as you *thought* it was. Comparing your "insides" to everyone else's "outsides" is a recipe for psychic disaster. Who knows? Maybe your teacher was late, too, and just beat you by half a minute. Maybe he was nervous, too -- after all, he was the one being interviewed and wanted to look good in front of a student. Etc., etc., etc. You can't know these things, so stop assuming the best about others and the worst about yourself. It's not fair to *you*.

More than anything, though, I want to suggest that you use this as a learning experience. OK, you have AS. You now have a decision to make: do you use your personal qualities to your best advantage and play to your strengths? Or do you fight AS and try to fit yourself into a mold that just wasn't built for you?

I should *never* have become a lawyer. Or at least not a litigator -- the kind that stands up in court and argues to judges and juries. The requirements of this job cut *completely* against my comfort zone. But, I had to challenge myself (for no good reason -- prove something to the world???), push things, and now I've wound up in a very bad place. The point is that maybe you found out that journalism -- and the kind of spontaneous interactions that are required in that profession -- is not your thing. I'm not saying for sure that it's not, and if the only thing you want to do in this life is be a journalist, then stop reading. But, if you *do* have skills and talents that naturally fall into a different professional category, then maybe explore those. I wish I had been really honest with myself before I made certain career decisions that are now too difficult to "re-do." You, on the other hand, have lots of options open to you.

I know this wasn't the point of your post and that you aren't asking for career advice. But, *bad* experiences can be really *good* teachers -- sometimes in ways that aren't completely obvious. Maybe you can take something good away from this after all.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten lost when I was on my way to a stressful event: it's like my brain is so unwilling to go there, it just sends me to the wrong place. And it's horrible, because I feel totally panicked when I get there.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time, but I also think it sounds like you're bring too hard on yourself. Your behavior doesn't seem that odd for a nervous student to me. I can't really see where you did anything that was wrong, or inconsiderate-- it sounds like you just had very high expectations for yourself and are disappointed that you didn't meet them. That's really typical for me, too-- I feel like if things aren't done perfectly, I should not have done them.

Even when I handle a stressful situation well, I will feel a rush of doubt and self-hatred when I am past the crisis. It's more related to the chemistry of my brain to what I've actually done. I wonder if you're experiencing something like that that might be exaggerating negative thoughts.

that sux

No I absolutely agree. I originally wanted to become a journalist. But I just can't. I can't do this. I don't really like talking to strangers about events. I feel uncomfortable in social situations.
And the thing is in my class, everyone sorta blindly believes what the newspaper says. My teacher for my journalism course is extremely...well...he's a pervert for the newspaper. He's always talking on and on about newspapers. And I feel sometimes in this course there is no room for logic. It feels to spontaneous. I need something more logical. I need something more fixed. I like schedules, routines. I don't like getting up because a "story just broke out".
Talking to people in certain situations is just awkward. Like I think about it, if I was assigned to a fire or to talk to fire victims. I wouldn't really know how to do that. I'd feel indecent.

Worse off is in my class, I was graded down in my Lead for my midterm. Because when I read the facts given to me, I believed the hotel burning down was the most important fact. My teacher however, wanted us to start off with the human emotion or the fireman dying. But to me, I felt more for the object. And I felt the hotel burning down was more important than the man dying.
This profession may not be right for someone who has feelings for objects and inhuman and non human entities.



The issue is I'm not professionally diagnosed. Just everything I have experienced in my life is tide to very Asperge like symptoms. The social anxiety, the not looking people in the eye I tend to either watch objects behind them or space out or even stare at their lips, I have sensory overload issues. I have meltdowns, and shut downs, etc.

But the main issue why I haven't gotten professionally diagnosed, is because my parents...well mainly my mom doesn't believe I have Aspergers. And she pokes fun at me. And makes me feel worse because she isn't listening. My dad explains that he suffered from a mild case of Aspergers when he was younger.

But me...this isn't...this isn't a mild case. When I'm in social situations or outside in large crowds, all the people talking, all the people smiling at me, the rules of "hellos" and "goobyes" and "smiles. I tend to get headaches, the world seems much brighter, and much louder.

My dad says, sounds like classic Aspergers to me. My mom laughs at me. But none want to believe I need actual help. Dad thinks I can conquer it on my own with my own willful strength. Mom just thinks I'm overthinking. But she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't understand. I try to explain, she just laughs more.

I'm mocked by my own mother. I'm ignored by my own father who only speaks logically and never actually hands out anything to when I am feeling emotional.
I get tired after college, not because of learning, but because of socializing. Socializing makes me very tired, makes me very irritable afterwards. And I'm constantly thinking did I do the right thing.

I never feel like I connect very well with people. My mind tends to wander around a lot. When I do talk to people either I have prepared a list of what I am to respond with and what I am not.

I try so hard to be a social chameleon. But I just don't feel connected.

I say weird things when nervous, ehem "I wish the sky was purple" <---you're not suppose to say this out loud with no warning or if someone is talking about Kitchen Designing

I never know if the "friends" I have are being straight and like me for me. Or if they think I'm weird and feel sympathy for me.

Yeah, I totally get where you are coming from Clyde.

It does sound EXACTLY like AS to me. It's a shame your parents aren't more understanding or supportive right now but you owe it to yourself to get this diagnosed. If you are old enough to go to the docs on your own then you need to go and tell them you strongly believe you have AS, describe it just as you did above and tell him that you want to be referred for a diagnosis because the problem is deeply affecting every aspect of your life. I know it may well be hard to do this but you owe it to yourself to do it. Write a letter to the doctor if you don't feel you can say it in person. You don't need parents permission to do this. You can tell them once the process has been put in motion, if you want to.

Perhaps then they will take you a little more seriously and definitely so if and when you get an "official" diagnosis.

I know what it's like to have the difficulties you described and it's just too great a burden trying to carry on through life pretending these difficulties aren't there and trying to act "normal" when your brain and whole nervous system is simply not wired the same s everybody else's. You are different and that has strengths as well as weakness. But trying to live a life pretending - and usually failing - to be the same as everyone else is what can lead Aspies to have nervous breakdowns. Your Dad's "ignore it and man up" approach may have worked for him - probably because he is very mildly affected - but for most Aspies is simply not possible and is a recipe for disaster later in life.

I hope you manage to find a way to have your difficulties acknowledged and get the kind of support and understanding you need.

My dad is a bit of a non traditionalist. He says "once you label yourself you become the label", he thinks sometimes that I am letting a label of Aspergers take over.
But even before I was aware of this disorder called Aspergers, I traced back all the traits and symptoms. I have shown these signs and symptoms throughout my childhood. My dad likes to think that I'm just a weird, eccentric quirky kid. You know that may be true, but there is disconnection that I have after a while.

I mean I felt bad for a hotel being burned down than a fireman. I have a lot of non human and inhuman empathy and sympathy. But I don't have very much human empathy or sympathy. Maybe because I don't understand it. Its complicated. Not like an animal. An animal we can speak on a simple wave link. Their emotions seem much more like mine...okay I just....I know weird. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like...I feel like a cat or dog or a cow, etc.

IDK. I just think like they do. Okay this is sounding weird. I'm going to shut up about that.

Funny enough and I don't tell this story very often. When I was in middle school, I was taken to a mental hospital. I felt there was no way out, I had a meltdown. A classic Aspergers meltdown. [I remember it was an expression of self harm. I know some people with Aspergers and other forms of autism, harm themselves to release stress. I remember now poking myself or stabbing myself with a pen.] I just didn't...

I didn't know where to turn. I was bullied a lot, I was frustrated. I couldn't communicate very well. I couldn't communicate my frustrations very well. I said some things I shouldn't have because I was frustrated, because I felt overloaded.

The mental hospital and the psychiatrist said I was bipolar. And I hear sometimes people who are diagnosed bipolar can or might be Autistic in some form. In this case Aspergers.

Thank god, I wasn't officially diagnosed. I am not any bipolar meds.

But I do have a lot of anxiety, a lot of paranoia too. I take my food to go because I can't stand to sit in a restaurant alone without feeling nervous or anxious.
I don't want to go anywhere outside alone. Cause if I go alone, people are going to be looking at me. And I feel awkward. [my dad keeps telling me no one is interested in what I'm doing. And that I'm one of those type of people who think people are interested in your business.]

But it isn't that. Its I get nervous that I'm doing something wrong, so in the end I make a scene where everyone is watching me. Either I break something, say something out of the ordinary.

And I mean technically, when I am with the family eating out, I watch people. I watch people go in and out of restrooms, coming out of the kitchen, watch people get their menus. I watch actions.

So I mean....if I'm observing and watching people....people must be observing and watching me too.

Okay this is sounding weirder and weirder. Yall are probably thinking I'm crazy by now.

No, it's all fairly familiar stuff. This is 'wrong planet' after all.

I watch people a lot too. I don't make eye contact, but if they are looking elsewhere I watch people all the time. I find people very strange and I suppose I'm always trying to learn about them. Also, because I don't feel comfortable around them, I feel like I need to be on guard a lot, which involves watching them. It's reasonable to be a little paranoid if you have been bullied and mistreated in the past.

Also, many of the other things you wrote nearly everyone here will identify with the some degree. Many aspies feel closer to animals than humans and understand them better. Many aspies feel more connected to non-human things, such as objects or even concepts. Many aspies have been misdiagnosed in the past. Nearly all of us have a lot of anxiety. So don't feel like what you are going through will be seen as weird here.

You know how much that is a relief? That I don't have to say "sorry" for my odd thoughts. That I don't have to feel like I offended anyone for my "odd" thoughts.

Yeah, it's nice to have a place where we don't have to try to fake being NT anymore or and where we don't get treated like we're weirdos.

Worse is. Yesterday I was at a scooter meetup, "trying to learn socialization" and I started crying. Because I was thinking about the building burning down and well about how I was bullied and I was explaining this to a person and I guess all the things began to well up.

It was very sad.

Hi,

Thanks very much for this comment. It help me to think about my ideals.


Tks again and pls keep posting.

Not sure I know what you mean.