Why do NT people not tell you how they feel?

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One thing I have noticed about NT people , more so than people with Aspergers is they do often reveal their true thoughts.

You may offend them or annoy them (justified or not) ... and they will treat you differently for it, but they will not tell you why they are offended or annoyed, but you will know by the way they treat you. This has been a common happening through my whole life. It has been something that is very annoying for me.

I would much prefer the NT's to reveal their true thoughts, however unpleasent, than pretend that everthing alright ... but treat me different for it.

Social interraction doesn't feel natural to me , it feels like a statergy game with unwritten rules, and some people will deny there are unwritten rules, but act as if there is. They will say 'be you true self' and if you act so , they will treat you worse for it. It really does seem that you do NEED to act in certain ways to be accepted and prosper and ways that are sometimes said to be "wrong".

Are the NT's just dishonest or are they just ignorant of their own contradictions or both? Why do NT people not tell you how they feel?

I don't tell NT people how I feel so why would they?

maybe because they are used to being around other people who can read them so easily they don't have to say it and so they become cowards about it.

it frustrates me too.

they don't want to fight, i think. i know my sister told me that the reason everyone tiptoed around the truth with me is i am scary when i get mad and they try to avoid it this way . she said she knows it's the exact reason i get mad because she is the same, but you can't ask them to understand that, the truth scares them anyway.
another reason i can think of: they want to keep you around for whatever use they have for you: your car, your ability to seemingly "take "anything without getting upset or even answering, so you're their punching ball,.
they often have an agenda.....
so they will pretend everything is fine ,but never let you know. i hate it too. but what is there to do about it?

interesting.

i think people do this with me too and the irony is that the dishonesty is what makes me mad, first and foremost, without fail.

The question of what to do about is the problem and why I started this thread. I am not sure.

I have thought about asking NT's to reveal their true thoughts, but that is only going to make them uncomfortable , so I guess I am just going to become better readings people and remembering the unwritten rules.

For me I would prefer they told the truth ... although idealy in a respectful way.. But I guess maybe the NT's feel guilt or are unaware of their feelings... I am not sure.

I find it fascinating. I love to learn more about how to interact socially. I think it's even better than knowing it naturally. It's the only positive part of Asperger's for me.

I think NT's are more aware of the problems that can arise if they reveal their true thoughts and feelings. It is always better for them to pretend its all ok. NT's know that people take advantage of information they are given. So they are reluctant to disclose the truth about their feelings for fear of it coming back to them. Aspies don't know the consequences of being honest about their feelings.

Very true.

I've always been surprised and dismayed by the way people around me are so damned polite. I rarely hear them say anything direct about how they feel, even when I ask them outright. When I was younger, people would always be advising me not to do this or that because the people affected "might not like it" - but when I proposed that I went and asked, they'd say "no, don't do that!"

To be honest, I'm way too polite myself, and have enormous trouble letting people know if I feel negative about what they're doing. But when I look around me, there's no cultural precedent for being any different, and that puts me under a lot of pressure to remain just like them.

I agree. I would much rather confront these things head-on. I believe many hard feelings are born of misunderstanding; misunderstandings can be corrected. I also have trouble gauging how people feel, so if they don't tell me, I will never know. And even if they do tell me, I can only take their word for it, because I can't tell if they are being deceitful.

I am very fortunate to have some friends who understand that I sincerely prefer honesty and am capable of being understanding without experiencing hurt feelings--and on the rare occasion my feelings are hurt, I remain able to reason and to forgive. I think this is a large part of why most people are not honest about their feelings; most people are quick to misunderstand, quick to be hurt and offended, and then have their rationality overpowered by their negative emotions. As a result, they work on the assumption that this is how others operate as well (and are usually correct). They need to tiptoe around people in order to avoid drama, hostility, and hurt feelings.



This is a good point. I think this may be a factor in why I am so secretive about my stronger and more intimate emotions: I have no idea what the consequences of being honest about them will be--good, bad, or neutral--and I sense a danger in that.

Yes. Being honest with everybody about everything you are feeling is called "wearing your heart on your sleeve". It's considered inadvisably dangerous behaviour, safe to do only with somebodyt you trust very much such as a spouse or close friend who has been a close friend for many years.

I don't always tell people how I feel. I mean if someone is obviously a jerk, why should I tell them they are offending me or they have insulted me? I doubt they would care so why should they know they've succeeded?

Plus if I am being too sensitive and I get offended, why should I show my stupidity by telling them I got offended? I just suck it up and not hold it against them and I get over it. I like to be strong.

For a while I didn't tell my first ex things he was saying was making me uncomfortable because I thought I was being too sensitive and strange so I sucked it up and dealt with it. But mom told me things he was saying is wrong and anyone would be bothered by it.

I think it's a human thing to not always tell people your feelings, aspies do this too. It might also have to do with not knowing how to express yourself or how to tell them. After all isn't it an aspie thing to have a hard time expressing how you feel? So they might fail to tell how they are feeling. But with NTs, I think they choose not to tell you. Who knows maybe they don't tell you because they are afraid they are being too sensitive and it's them with the problem and they need to suck it up so they don't tell you and they don't want to show themselves being stupid?

I agree.

They don't tell you because they assume you already know. And if you were an NT yourself, you probably would. It's a problem that comes from being in the majority; your communication style works almost all of the time, so you don't plan for what happens when it fails. That leads to a lot of problems; not just NT/autistic issues, but cultural conflicts too.