Aspie Living Alone = Disaster?

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I currently live with my brother near my university and I just keep thinking how awful it would be if I lived alone. I don't have any friends, so I always feel very lonely, but whenever I talk to my brother it just snaps me out of the sadness that I was feeling and just gets me into a better mood. I can't imagine what I would do without him.

So what do you guys think, is living alone for an aspie a complete disaster?

Depends on how much you can handle being alone... I, for one, could likely handle living alone, but I would still at least want a friend or two. Even if no friends, I still feel that I could handle it.
Someone else might not though.

Many Aspies prefer living alone.

I prefer living with a rare close friend. I've had the same roommate for four years. When we shared our house with other roommates, I wanted nothing more than to be alone; now that is is just me and my NT introvert, we do quite well. He follows routines and does not prefer company, and remains accessible whilst keeping to himself. He also provides intervention when I lose track of time and such. We share similar hobbies.

The RIGHT roommate is better than living alone; if you cannot find him or her, you are better off living alone. Familiarity and compatibility are key.

I live with my parents after having come to the same conclusions as the OP. My ideal fantasy living environment is a shared house with a group of close friends. This is a pipe dream as my current close friend count is zero.

I will keep dreaming though.

Three posts already... Awesome!

*sigh* You're so lucky.

I really envy you aspie introverts. I really wish I was like you, then I wouldn't be so miserable all the time.

I wonder if such behavior can be learned?

I worry about what kind of disaster living alone would be, but I love the idea of it.

I found from experience that there is a limit to the amount of isolation I can deal with without going nuts, eventually. Some people probably do ok with serious isolation, but I suspect some others haven't experienced it deeply enough to really know how they'd do with a lot of it. Humans aren't generally built for it.

Living alone doesn't necessarily mean isolation, just more control over how often you interact with people.

I've noticed that a lot of people who say they are okay with total isolation indefinitely… many of them have a support system they're unaware of having and of needing. Not everyone mind you but a lot.

I can put up with more isolation than average, but I also have friends and like to be around them sometimes. It's hard for me to tell how much their presence influences the degree of isolation I could otherwise take. There was a time when I was very isolated and doing very badly, but I also had other problems I no longer have. It's hard to tell how much of that was from the isolation and how much from the other problems.

I do know that I badly need a support system unless the social service system collapses. I am way too impaired in some areas to fend for myself (or what passes for fending for oneself) in those conditions and I worry because I do not naturally seek out as many people as I would need to know in a situation like that. So I feel like I need to get out of my shell more no matter what the overload costs are, because my lifespan either in a nursing home or in the event of the whole system collapsing, would be severely limited.

As to the topic of living on one's own. You'll need to determine both whether you can take the isolation (or find ways to stay in contact with people), AND whether you have the self-care skills. Lots of autistic people assume we have the self care skills and then crash and burn when we turn out not to. Living on your own is way more complicated than living with family in terms of logistics. It can be easier in other ways -- I was willing to starve rather than live with my family, and I did starve until I got services. But if I'd stated with my family I'd have ended up in (or in and out of) some kind of institution, which I've thus far managed to avoid. I ended up getting along with them far better after moving out as well.

I was the least capable of the kids in my family of making it on my own, but I also moved out the youngest. (I was 19, my autistic brother was 25ish, and my nonautistic brother was in his thirties.) I paid for it with a lot of suffering but it was ultimately worth it. I needed time to myself to find out who I was without other people being around to either tell me who I was or react in horror when I did extremely dysfunctional things (lots of headbanging for instance) on the way to gaining better coping skills.

If I'd been with family they would have likely made me get psychiatric "help" which was the last thing I needed. I needed room to do my own thing without getting into conflicts because of it, I don't know how to explain what I gained from that approach but it was a lot. It wasn't about being free from consequences for my actions. It was more like needing the space to learn for myself without someone stepping in to stop me the moment I did something wrong or made a mistake. I was suffocating around people who all thought they were acting in my best interests, but who were making it worse.

I explained it to family and friends as needing "spiritual isolation" from people and in a way that's what it was. My shrinks were horrified but I proved them all wrong and got free of them. But it was incredibly hard work, harder than anything I'd done in my life. I discovered I would never gain the physical-practical "independent living skills" but that I could always gain emotional and coping skills, which are today one of my strongest attributes. Several people have noted independently of each other that while I have lost my health and physical skills (due to several overlapping conditions, some progressive), I have only gotten stronger in emotional and coping skills as time goes on. There was a time when every second of the day was a challenge emotionally, and now I am a deeply happy and stable person. That wouldn't have happened without doing what I did.

But everyone is different, so don't think I am telling you to take the exact same route. I had the developmental disability system (after several long, starving, hellish months on my own) to help me do the things I can't do for myself. Not everyone qualifies, not everyone who qualifies gets in, and not everyone who gets in gets appropriate and respectful enough services to be worth it. I had to fight for those too against some seriously messed up parts of the system. I also got the chance to learn that skills training wouldn't do crap for me, whereas some people are stuck forever in skills training, or thrown into group homes or ICF/MRs (which almost happened to me a few times). But I'm just trying to explain how and why I ended up living by myself. I get so much support I'm considered to be in residential care, and I live in an elderly/disabled building (just low income apartments not an institution). But I have the freedom people in group homes and most other "real" residential programs don't have.

If you have have at least one person knocking on your door (and they're not the UPS guy), then you can influence your interactions with people downwards. Influencing it up may be much harder or even impossible (as the OP's situation sounded like).

Living with a relative or relatives is a way to avoid that problem if there is no one, and if getting someone is hard or impossible. Relatives are more so "stuck" with putting up with you than someone who has total freedom to leave, though that's not always guaranteed, either.

I prefer living alone. Even growing up, I found sharing my house (or sharing my mother's house, to be more accurate) very stressful: having other people around almost all the time and having nowhere to go to truly be alone (a bedroom didn't cut it). I didn't fully realize just how much stress it caused me until I finally experienced living alone. I think I never fully relaxed my entire life prior to doing so.

Very much this.

I find it much easier for me to be living alone. I have two close friends that I do things with, every two nights. I have a clubhouse that I can go to, 5 days a week. I have a family that cares about me, even though they have a strange way of showing it, and I have my coworkers. I'm doing okay and I'm able to handle my chores and expenses.

I'm highly territorial and can barely stand to live with others. I need my space.

Yes. It's awesome to melt down if someone touches your last can of Diet Coke. It's totally cool to be locked into a perpetual state of stimming after only six hours of being with people at work. I can't tell you how joyous it is to be sent into an agitated spiral because someone keeps leaving lights on in the house that I want OFF. Not being able to tolerate the presence of others is such a boon!

Oh, and I still owe $7,000 on my car, I still have to pay rent, and I'm not excused from any of life's unpleasant chores. I get to deal with it all on my own. What's this "luck" crap you speak of?

I can answer this. The best situation I've encountered in 43 years has been having a completely private room that nobody can mess up or disturb, but access to the rest of a building or house with particular cool people or friends to go seek out when the social need arises.

I had my own room/bathroom growing up but after early childhood, no friends near me. I could go walk out in the village and feel that there were humans around. In college (after first year) was the best: my private dorm room with people to go chat with, even the receptionist, available in the building when needed. As an adult I had a number of single room studio apartments, as roommates would have driven me crazy. (I HAVE had to have roommates often and it does drive me insane, particularly if it affects my sleep. Don't go there, if you are like this!) When I felt lonely I'd go out to a cafe, pet store, or the park and feel that there were people around. Eventually by unintended surprises I ended up living in group house with friend situations. As long as I have my own room to be left alone in, it is great to be able to walk down two floors and have a cup of tea and chat with a good housemate and thus be able to socialize. Plus, they take care of, help with, or advise in logistical living stuff and are good to have in the house when you are ill or such.

Note: I have always had pets, which helps, and a couple of good friends, who did not live too near.

It's a good idea to live with your brother until something happens to change it. Living alone can lull you into a state of mind that's too passive and complacent. It's peaceful to the point you don't want to be with others or deal with any stress. Even though that's good for state of mind, it can keep you from being motivated to do the things you need to.

That's not what I mean. I want to be happy without having to interact with other people (while at the same time being able to tolerate them if I happen to do so).