Do you put others needs before your own?

Post Reply New Topic

I do sometimes and then I get pissed if not acknowledged and if I don't they are selfish and say I didn't... So I was wondering when I should put others needs before mine and when I should not?

My best friend encourages me sometimes to be more "selfish", i.e. to consider more my stake.

I have a tendency to allow others to put their needs before mine, for instance when my sister received more financial help from our parents than me for years, I was fine with it, until I realized she hadn't got a single scruple and took the situation for granted, and when I asked for my stake, she crossed my way deliberately (despite her better feelings). Since then, I think it twice.

The best moments in life are those when you can put a smile on someone's face just to see them happy without getting something in return.
Real happiness is achieved when you give without expectations and love without conditions.
A favour or a good deed has to come from the heart and not from the mind and if it comes from the mind if you expect something in return.
If we would expect less in life and do a bit more for others this world would be a great place for everyone. No one would feel lonely when everyone would care. Yes I'm a dreamer. But you can't achieve anything in life without dreams.
That doesn't mean that you should be happy if people exploit you. There's a difference between getting exploited and the little things you give away with the very depth of your heart; I don't talk about money.

Sometimes. I think the most effective strategy for taking care of others involves taking care of your needs to the best of your ability first. For example, If you don't eat right, then you won't have the energy to give to others.

@Moog: Yeah I agree, you can only take care of others if you are in a content and stable state. That's true, otherwise it won't work.

No, and trying to do so is futile. No matter how hard one attempts not to, he/she will always think of himself/herself first.
I am not saying that caring about other people is futile... not at all. Attempting to care about others so much that you put them before yourself is.

Agreed.

The idea of putting myself last is abhorrent to me. I help people sometimes because I get a kick out of it. If I ever get into a situation where I can absolutely depend on others to keep me happy, then I might feel differently, but until then I basically look after Number One. The only exception is my son, and that's not sentimental, self-righteous altruism, it's biological instinct. He carries half my genetic code.

People are (arguably) more effective when co-operating as a group than they are as isolated individuals. So I try to keep up a co-operative attitude. I like situations in which doing a thing which benefits another person more than it costs me. I also like situations in which I've got too much of a good thing and I hand some of it over to people who need it more than I do, but until I see more evidence that the idea is catching on, I'll probably keep the brakes on that one. For me, love is conditional, except for the occasional impulsive act of romantic gallantry, which I think I only do for the hell of it.

I know several people who are pathologically unselfish, to the point that they do themselves in.

Though they do usually have something in their psychological makeup that means they feel rewarded by it. Even though it's killing them.

As ever, I feel that the Middle way of the Buddha is best. Not too hot, not too cold.

I tend to go for actions that bring maximum benefit for myself and others. Though, the distinction between self and other is more or less fuzzy, depending on one's perspective.

Sometimes people can be destructive and/or self destructive, and be rewarded. And sometimes doing something of tremendous value for self or others or both is punished. Weird world.

I know what you mean... But I just can't bring myself to be more selfish... I try but it goes all down again



Money is one thing I've given away without asking back for it... but I am always asked to pay back what I borrow though I don't borrow much or often...
Do you read Jiddu Krishna Murti? Your ideas seem very like his...
That is what I want to know,,, how do I keep myself from getting exploited?



Makes sense



I know that but I can't help it... I've got to toughen up in terms of saying no... but I seem to be find more happiness in helping others.




I don't put myself last all the time... but sometimes I do.. I don't know why... I should stop doing that.... In terms of family though I just can't put myself before them..



Thanks .. That's all I've got to do... Stop ignoring myself when I need myself the most. The world can take care of itself. I have this friend who is autistic and is selfish.. I help her and she doesn't care for that though... And if I don't help she says I am being rude not being bothered to help.. I don't know what makes her say that... maybe she's in the shock of having lost her mother but I can't stop pitying her... Maybe I should just let go. She can take care of herself



Wait I know this... Its what they think is right... their suffering is what rewards them... they feel suffering is better than fighting back... Its called something I can't remember. I don't know if I am a door mat and let people wipe their feet on me though.



Yeah I guess every aspect of religion is not practical in today's world... I don't know how much of it was practical in the past because I never lived then.. but extreme dependency on religion or righteousness is just being stupidly dependent.

I try.

Tough Diamond wrote: The idea of putting myself last is abhorrent to me.

Moog wrote: I know several people who are pathologically unselfish, to the point that they do themselves in.

I think these are such important points. What Moog wrote indicates one of the subtleties rarely remarked on... it is entirely possible to be TOO 'unselfish' (in terms of actions taken, not necessarily in terms of what/who one thinks about/thinks about first). Addressing someone else's needs before addressing one's own needs often leads to one's own needs NEVER getting addressed (especially in situations involving an 'NT vs Aspie' scenario). Tough Diamond's idea of finding the idea abhorrent underscores the imperative of more appropriately 'prioritizing' one's self in any given 'lineup'.

Sometimes, I think generally-accepted pieces of advice (such as 'you must break down your ego at least once to be successful in A.A.', 'drink more milk', 'take aspirin daily to counteract a possibly heart attack', and 'always put others before yourself') are too often based on results that have arisen out of only a 'slice' of humanity. Breaking one's ego is applicable IF one's alcoholism is based on/informed by ego-related issues (applicable only to SOME of the alcoholics in A.A. treatments, though attempts are made to apply the practice to EVERYONE in A.A.). Consuming more milk is useful IF the consumer is dairy-tolerant and has shown an inadequate intake ('Drink more milk' is advice given indiscriminately, that is, without considering that it could actually cause harm). Aspirin to decrease heart-attack possibility is valid only IF blood-thinning is appropriate (as is often not the case with females - again possible harm being caused because the advice applies to a 'model' segment of heart-disease sufferers). Finally, putting others before yourself could be a good reminder/good advice IF one has been shown to have had escalated selfishness in their interacting patterns. For those of us who are unjustifiably accused of selfishness and those of us who are unjustifiably trying to compensate for our perceived selfishness, 'put others before ourselves' is actually harmful advice. It's like trying to 'repent' of sins we hadn't actually committed...

Thanks to the posters of this thread. I'm feeling better about my recent decisions to become more self-caring (called 'selfish' by those with a different agenda).

I overheard a conversation between two girls in school saying "I really like Becky. She's so nice to everyone." Thinking that maybe that was the reason I had trouble socially, I started being really nice to everyone. It didn't really work. I still felt just as excluded as before. All that happened is that I got taken advantage of a lot more. When I finally realized that, I started becoming more selfish. Nowadays I think the middle path is the best. I try to give when I can and am always nice. But I also don't go out of my way to help people at the expense of my health and well being. I figure that I'm not much good to anyone if I can't take care of myself properly.

I guess you'll find your own level with that. I think people often try to help out, for a while, but eventually get bored and move on if there's no payoff. I know that appreciation of my efforts is the best motivator I can have towards helping people. Frankly my staying power isn't good when trying to help narcissistic people. Sometimes in relationships I've been pretty sure that I've been doing a lot of good, but when it barely gets a passing nod, I just feel deprived of something. I could probably do that for somebody I'd known and loved for years, for a while......I guess it's the fate of a lot of people who have to look after cantankerous ageing relatives.

I think there's probably a lot can be done to command respect, but it probably won't happen if you put yourself last as a matter of course. Sometimes people do that because they don't want a conflict or to lose the other person, or maybe they just don't know where to draw the line....in my experience, people don't often go for a fair deal when they have carte blanche, they go for as much as they can get, without any self-limiting, which suggests to me that people in general have a weak grasp of what fair play is. Personally I find it very difficult to know what rights I have over the behaviour of others, and in an argument I don't really know who is right.

I often feel taken advantage of, because I am too agreeable. I've been trying to pay more attention to my own needs, because agreeing to what everyone else wants really overtaxes me and I end up pushing myself to my limits and ending up completely useless, not to mention too drained to do anything for myself. But I can't seem to get past the feeling that when I try to take care of myself, knowing my abilities are different from a normal person's, that I am being lazy or [something else that I can't put into words at the moment--fraudulent?].

You mean you feel that you could act neutorypical all the time if you really wanted to? I sometimes feel I'm part of a scam, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. Of course it's an invisible impairment, so it's not an easy one to sell to anybody...."I've got this disability that can't be demonstrated, and you're going to have to make allowances for it."

Yeah, exactly. I mean, I know that it's impossible, but I feel like I should be able to, I guess.