Perfectionism and Asperger's

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Has anyone else here battled with perfectionism? I've recently determined that I am a perfectionist, always focusing on the mistakes that I've made rather than the triumphs I've achieved. In fact, this point of view is nothing new for me; I've held it for years. It got particularly bad this past spring, during my second year of college. I suspect that my perfectionist view of myself and world around me may be related to my Asperger Syndrome. Does anyone know of an effective way to combat a perfectionist viewpoint?

I do this as well. It drives my family nuts, so I try to not verbalize negative comments. It has wrecked projects and even relationships of mine. I would like to overcome this problem but haven't had any success at all. I have noticed it gets worse when I'm not working out, running etc.

I am that way definitely and I have meltdowns if something isn't perfect to me.

Way to combat it: deliberately set your immediate goals low. This takes off pressure and makes progress possible. Say your goal is to wash your car. Say you have no energy to do the perfectionistic job you'd ideally want done. Instead take a hose and stand there spraying the car for a couple minutes. Maybe rub a few spots with an old cloth if you feel like it. Will the car be sparkling when you finish? No. Will it be cleaner when you finish? Yes. You will have accomplished your basic goal of washing the car. Then maybe a few days later you can work on a detail you missed. Etc. Piece by piece.

You're talking about college though so I guess for that do that same thing: if you're in say five classes, aim to get a C in all of them. Believe me I know how undesirable a plan that is to a perfectionist but what I did instead was aim to get As and then when any obstacles entered my path I just gave up. Better nothing than an imperfect thing I though. But really, if your goal is to get a degree, better a degree completed by making Cs in all your classes than a degreed not completed by trying and failing to do get As in every class. Not saying it's not possible but people who get As in every class also tend to know how to skim when they read and when to switch from one task to another because the first oneis about as good as it's gonna get. Which is a challenge for many Aspies, who can't well do the "surface learning" approach. Just my thoughts.

My perfectionism is a big part of why I procrastinate, and also why the first two years of college were such a nightmare. Oh yes, I struggle with it.

Yeah, I'm a perfectionist. It's a cognitive thing, I think. It's just hard for me to figure out what "good enough" is because it's so vague--so I shoot for 100%, perfection, and I don't know when I've come close enough. It means things take lots longer--double the time, for some particularly detailed things; even more in some cases.

Thank you for putting it so clearly and eloquently.



And some things take an infinite amount of time, because perfection cannot be attained and no obvious "good enough" threshold exists. Arrrgh.

In my younger years getting pressured by deadlines helped... forced me to optimize under time constraints rather than shooting for perfection. Now I'm burned out on that and I struggle even with deadlines. ADHD meds help some, but not 100%. Good enough? I don't know.

I'm definitely a perfectionist. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, because of having been forced (willingly) into situations where I couldn't be perfect.

The concept of "good enough" doesn't make sense to me. Maximizing what I can do for the amount of time I have I can do, and I can try to be perfect, but saying something is "good enough" without it being because of explicit time pressure makes no sense to me.

When I was younger I couldn't deal with the best for the given time aspect, but I gained that in the high school I graduated from - its one thing that school teaches most students that go through it.

I'm not a perfectionist at everything, just I choose a few things to be perfect at.

I think it goes along with what I run into conversations with everyday.
Someone: Oh, you're so smart.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Someone: Are you in college?
Me: No.
Someone: Oh, why not?
Someone: Are you working?

And then the conversation goes from there... I think my perfectionism is a way to give myself control over what I can make myself have control over. I think it's because people expect so much from me, and I can't deliver. So because I can't be as good as people's expectations, I set mine unreasonably high in everything, so I can at least hit their expectations of "oh you're so smart" me.

And in some things, it's just fun. Like, figure skating, I can't not be a perfectionist in that, it's a sport about it, I can't be like "oh whatever" and compared to others, I'm quite not a perfectionist, but to an outsider who doesn't know anything about ice skating and doesn't care to, what I do to try to be good appears insane.

Yeah, perfectionism is a big factor in my life. It has its good and bad points. It's good when it encourages me to do my best. It's bad when it causes me to procrastinate and prevents me from getting my work done.

I've noticed two type of issues dealing with "perfectionism" with people on the spectrum (bear in mind "perfectionism" isn't a clinical term):

1. Anxiety or stress about things not being as you expected them to be and this includes anything from ordering food in a restaurant and not getting exactly what you wanted to working on something and it not turning out how you expected. These type of "perfectionism" is often connected to meltdowns.

2. The expectation that you should very competent and do everything exceedingly well all the time. This tends to result in frustration and self-esteem issues when the person is not able to cope effectively with mistakes, failures and their own limitations. This type of "perfectionism" is often connected to depression.

The first is about outward expectations--how you expect the world to be; the other is about inward expectation, what you expect of yourself. Not surpring that the first often results in meltdowns--an outward display of negative emotion--while the second results in depression and self-esteem issues, a turning inward of negative emotion.

From my own experience and my experience as a special education teacher, I see both of these are presentations of an executive functioning deficit, usually called "executive function disorder." I have this, and I experience both forms of "perfectionism" to varying degrees, with the 2nd type being far more dominant. When I was dx'd several years ago, I was told that the 2nd of these--the strong, unyielding need to be competent--was predominately a trait of Asperger's and that people with HFA often experienced the 1st type to a stronger degree than the 2nd. However people no longer bother with these distinctions, limiting Asperger's to simply "HFA without language delays" which is unfortunate because I found being educated in these distinctions very helpful in understanding why I felt the things I did yet at the same time didn't do things like have meltdowns. While I do experience the 1st type to some degree, I experience the 2nd type far, far stronger, and yes, I have big issues with self-esteem and depression.

But suffice to say, MANY people on the spectrum have executive functioning deficits that lead to one or both of these issues with "perfectionism." Executive functioning is what controls and monitors our emotions, and "perfectionism" is in essence an inability or severe difficulty with overriding negative emotional responses when we are disappointed by something or by ourselves--and difficulties with overriding negative emotions is a chief symptom of executive function disorder.

Executive functioning deficits are not just found in people on the autism spectrum, but also in people with ADHD, OCD, certain personality disorders, many learning disorders, schizophrenia spectrum disorders and bipolar disorder. It's a very popular cognitive deficit.

I struggle with perfectionism too.

I have still problems finding out why I have such a need for being perfect. Perhaps because of the risk of being ridiculed in a social situation when not being perfect. Not because of bad confidence, but because my integrity (not being ridiculed) is more important to me than group acceptance.

A lot of it stems from anxiety (in adulthood) and as a reaction to adverse experiences in childhood (being shamed, excluded, relentlessly criticised by a negative judgmental parent). This leads to a lack of self-trust and impaired trust in others later on.

To change it, you separate plans from set expectations about outcomes. How our plans turn out is never entirely up to us; there are always factors that will be outside our control. This is something you learn in 12 step groups. Make plans, do your best, and see what happens, rather than attaching to "this is the only outcome I can accept without feeling like a failure". Shifting the focus to "Let's see what happens here" helps; perfectionism is painful and limiting to live with; aim for "good enough is good enough".

I used to have to get an A+ on every test and exam, otherwise I felt like a failure! It was awful. Then I heard the saying that "a C is a degree" and I realised that in years to come no-one would care what grade I got, only that I had the degree (when that was an issue).

Be kind to yourself; give yourself a break. You are only human. Other people stuff up all the time, you are allowed to stuff up sometimes too, without shaming and punishing yourself.

....

Last edited by qawer on 20 Mar 2014, 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have this problem.

In DBT we were given jars to put coloured sweets in.

You could use it for personal achievments over failures, no matter how big or small ("I showered today, that was a hard challenge, so I can put a green sweet in the jar").
Perhaps don't put coloured sweets in for your failures, as this will make you feel rubbish about yourself. It's all about recognising right in front of you that you're doing some good things.

I need to do this myself actually. I don't like the jar we were given and the colour mix is horrible. Yellow, purple and brown :/

You can use marbles, buttons, lego pieces, anything you like. Up to you

I am a total perfectionist to the extreme. I did learn dealing with NTs and managing people that there are more then one way oftentimes to get something done and perfection isn't always necessary. But after they left I had this terrible compulsion to make it "my way" but not wanting to offend them. As far as things I do it takes forever it seems and it must be perfect. If it isn't just right I get really stressed out to the point of redoing it and starting all over at times. Probably why I had so much trouble in the NT world and working. I had a meltdown both mentally and physically 2 1/2 years ago and the thought of work (if I could do it) terrifies me. Physically I am limited due to non-aspie reasons and cannot work. My physician told me I will never work again. Took awhile to somewhat accept that and put me into major depression. But yes, I am a perfectionist to the extreme..