I need serious help with a parent...

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and I thought this might be a good place to ask. I'm going to take this rather in the order I've dealt with it. That's how it will make sense. I am about 98% certain I have aspergers. My first encounter with wrongplanet was an hour long goosebump fest reading, for the first time in my life, things that seemed to be written by people like me about people having life experiences I had never encountered outside of my life. Every time I do deeper research I am only more certain.

My mother has a masters degree in special education. I'm also fairly certain she has aspergers, but it is hard to say where she is on the spectrum due to her definitely present, steadily worsening, codependency problems. My mother absolutely has to be depended on. She teaches severe and profound mentally handicapped children, most of whom also have severe physical disabilities. When she isn't doing that, she spends much of her time working with the local Guardian ad litem program. Most of the rest of her time is devoted to making her kids feel like crap. Probably a little harsh, but I'm kind of emotional right now.

To seriously have a future relationship with my mother, it is imperative that we discuss and come to an understanding regarding my aspergers and long felt anxiety and occasional depression problems because they are all so tied up in how she raised me. I have been consistently treated by my mother as significantly less capable and intelligent that I have been by the rest of the world. When I was young, most of it fell much more into acceptable, if rather limiting parenting. The only part I would say was super consistent and damaging to me throughout my entire life is the focus on my failures. I have never received praise for my good actions on even a slightly regular basis. Possibly the most stand out moment (for it's sheer facepalm value) was surrounding a progress report from a French class in which I had one of the highest grades in the class, and 97% A, and two to three weeks later she continued to rehash the quiz on which I had earned a high C after missing the lesson it covered being out sick for a week. However, as I have gotten older, she has gotten worse and worse about denying things I tell her about myself, refusing to give me the level of responsibility and age appropriate knowledge and life skills that even my strenuously conservative step-father felt I should have. As I came of age to begin making serious life decisions, she has grown to respect my choices less and less. At this point, we have little communication outside of her seeking me out to ask me to do things for her or criticize my life and try to push me in life directions I have repeatedly denied interest in.

I have made one attempt to open a conversation to get things out. I decided to go the easy route and broach the subject of possibly needing an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. She basically refused to have the conversation, quickly telling me that she was usually pretty emotionally level and calm (enough bull to feed a third world nation for months) and referred me to my step-father, who has told me in more words that he believes anyone who prescribes medication for anything psychological other than life destroying things like severe schizophrenia is at least some degree of quack. He is essentially totally unprepared for this sort of talk, but the person who should be my absolute best choice to talk to about this, my mother who cannot possibly have escaped studying autism and aspergers (I used some of her old books to help confirm my suspicions about myself) doesn't even want to make the attempt because that would help me become a stronger person who needs her less.

So, parents of ASD kids and ASD kids with parents, any ideas on how to get her to have a real talk with me? I'm so overwhelmed at this point that I'm probably skipping a family reunion today to avoid extended conversation with my mother and other family members. It's just down the road, but just thinking about going pushes me to the edge of a panic attack. I probably would have destroyed my relationship with my family forever over this by now, if my fiancee wasn't some sort of earthly goddess with a crazy natural EQ.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going to skip the family reunion, BUT I COMPLETLY UNDERSTAND WHY. As a matter of fact, I have also come to the conclusion that I'm not interested in persuing relationships with ANYONE in my extended family.

BUT I am almost 45 & I have the diagnosis of Aspergers from my medical doctor.

Some of your story is similar to mine....I have a nephew who was diagnosed with AS a little over 10 years ago, so it is not anything "new" to my family. Which worked as a double edged sword in my case...although everyone "knows" what it is, they've all decided that I DON'T have it (because I'm different from the nephew....DUH).

The problem that I've realized is, at least in my case; my family has (now this is their words, not mine ) "had to put up with D's crap her whole life". They are cold & hard hearted, not interested in me as a person.

My reply to that is FINE, THEY CAN ALL GO F#CK THEMSELVES.

And if you've truly been thru the wringer with your Mom (Lord knows I have with mine!) or any of the rest of your family, go ahead & chuck 'em.

And about my mom, she is the POSTER CHILD for frigid mommying in my life. Even today, whenever I try to talk to her about "past events" she CAN NOT REMEMBER A FRICKEN' THING. Funny, 'cause she has GREAT 'remembrance' time with all my other siblings.

I too grew up with little to no praise. It chokes me up now, realizing what it did to me. I can't imagine treating my 2 kids the way that biotch did & STILL DOES to me. But that's ok, 'cause like I said in the above post, I've pretty much decided to jettison the flotsam out of my life. (which actually isn't real hard....SEEING AS NO ONE IN MY FAMILY CALLS UNTILL THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME OR MY DH....bunch of f#cking hypocrites!)

It makes me angry to think about, so I do avoid it. But like I said, it isn't real hard considering we don't live in the same town & I'm never invited over to anyones house (DESPITE the fact that dh & I hosted family dinners FOR YEARS).

I second this.

I had to do the same because of an emotionally abusive mother. Keeping in touch isn't worth the continual assault to one's self esteem.

And what's up with people judging ME because I want to distance myself from my families dysfunction??? (makes me want to tell them to sod off or whatever!)

Last edited by MsMarginalized on 25 Sep 2011, 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm trying to avoid that outcome for now, especially until my life is less tied up in my mother's. I work at the same school she does. I can't avoid seeing her daily without getting a different job, which is less than simple in the local job climate (my area was very hard hit by the recession) and less than desirable because I love my job (teacher's aid third grade autism <3). It may come to that, but I'm still trying to avoid it for now.

Rebel, that's easy. At work you need to keep ALL relationships on the professional/peer level anyway. After hours you don't have to "deal" with her, do you?

I whish I would never have tried that. Cant imagine that it took me so long to understand its impossible. The outcome of my attempts to have a conversation like that with my mum, where always a disaster.

I wont break the contact or anything, I just deal with her inverted fantasies about my personality and our connection.

I have to make a distance though, since too much of her is killing me.

Both my mother and my workplace are flexible about professionalism. As much as I like my job, my coworkers are a mess. I also live fairly close to her. I'm trying to save up to just get moved out of town, but it's slow going because of just plain stupid bad luck over the past year and a half.

Okay, so you can't just cut her off in this instance, but you can limit the kinds of interactions you do have. You may need to have Sunday dinner and discuss the kids at school while your fiance and step-dad compare their favorite sports scores or whatever, but there is absolutely no reason for you to discuss your mental health needs with either of them. If you feel the need to discuss it with someone, find a talk therapist or someone to discuss things with over coffee. Your mom just isn't cut out to be your confidante, and trying to force her to fit that mold isn't fair to either of you, any more than her attempts to force you to fit into her ideal child mold.

I don't want her to be my confidante. That's my fiancee (too broke for a professional). I just want her to make an attempt to have some understanding of why I am the way I am. I can't just keep it glossed over forever either. The life choices she wants to force on me and criticize are frequently things that can't be properly addressed without addressing my aspergers. For instance, I'm not in college because I lost my scholarship because I didn't know that I had an unmanageably slow reading speed for an english major until I was too bogged down to pull myself out. She thinks I should try to work and school at the same time on a program that forces me to work in FL special ed for five years after completion. This is totally unrealistic for me, but I can't broach why, especially when the only response to it being too much is telling me that the program will work with me (when I don't have free time in which to stick even the workload of a single class right now) and just telling me that I'm wrong.

Also, my interactions with her are already about as limited as I can get them, and she still might show up at my door to find out why I didn't go to the family reunion. I've put this off for a long time, but she is unknowingly pushing the issue on us both.

Maybe I should have put this in the parents forum. I was kind of hoping for advice from a different perspective, not just more advice on keeping things quiet.

I am having 'one of those days' today, and I was thinking of starting a new thread with a topic similar to this one - but once again, a WrongPlanet member beat me to it! What a help this site is to me, I just can't tell you.

I don't have much advice for the OP, I was going to post a similar topic just to hear from some sane and rational aspies.
I am 40, and have only been processing myself in the aspie context for a year now. I have always had a strained relationship with my family, and I have had to separate myself from them for many years now. I always hoped the friends and family that I have could understand that I loved them, even though I have tried to explain the many things that make it difficult for me to attend family gatherings etc.

Lately my life is just in utter turmoil. Between the stress of deepening poverty, physical pain, and my new understanding of Aspergers, I have recently tried to connect with my family on the Web where I can express myself at least a little more clearly than in person. My goal was to inform them about AS, get their reaction, and hopefully find a common ground of understanding that might allow me the comfort of support and give them a logical reason to forgive some of the difficulties we have had.

It hurts, life just hurts so much sometimes - that is today, that is why I am here.
My dad and sister are a lost cause, my mother will always be there for me, and my brothers too - but I find their ability to just 'leave me behind' to be crushing. Sometimes, all I seek is some discussion like I find here at wrongplanet. Sometimes I genuinely need help, I have been homeless, and lately I am desperate for any sort of healthcare, but I am reminded often by my mother (the one I am closest to) that - 'That is your problem honey, but I believe in you and I love you. Give yourself over to Jesus, and things will work out'.

The thing is Jesus doesn't help me, at least not in a physical sense in the present time. It has long been taboo for any of my family to ask for financial help, my brothers have been in trouble too. The answer is always the same - 'You know I would help you if I could, but I am broke too, we all have troubles'.

The thing is, I decided yesterday to give up Facebook and a FB game I love because when I logged in this last week, I saw 2 of my old friends and my mother had bought new cars. My car is 18 years old, has 271,000 miles and is only still running because of my daily dedication to maintenance and repair. It runs like a top, but the bottom is rusting out so bad that my seat is almost falling through the floor.

I really don't get people on so many levels, I don't understand family, I don't understand love - but I FEEL like I do. In the end I am an outsider, someone different, and my guess is that is all they need to go on enjoying the heck out of their lives as I suffer. Still, I won't totally cut off my mom or brothers, but more and more I have to come to grips with leaving them behind as they left me years and years ago.
I don't want to, and I am hurting bad.

I have only one suggestion:

Write her a letter about what you'd like to talk about, wherein you state your desire to have a face-to-face conversation about it and leave it up to her to start that conversation if/when she wants to. It might also help to leave the letter somewhere you know she'll find it instead of giving it to her.

I don't know what this suggestion is worth, but here are the thoughts behind it:

In a way, writing a letter and leaving it out for her to find gives her more control over certain aspects of the interaction than actually talking to her (whether she'd actually feel she had more or less control reading a letter vs. talking is something I can't even guess at...this is all just conjecture based on only one possible perspective):

She's not presented with an immediate request, instead she has the option of ignoring the letter or reading it whenever she wants to (she has the option of "changing her mind" about engaging in a dialogue without letting you see her do so--for some people, changing your mind always equates to showing weakness or ignorance, or admitting that you were wrong about something).

Also, she can stop "listening" to you anytime she wants without having to immediately justify herself (she has the option of responding with uncertainty--admitting that she is unsure or might be wrong--without having to admit it to anyone but herself)...maybe this would make it more likely that she'd consider what you have to say?

...I find that the most difficult and painful aspect of being misunderstood/unfairly judged by those you love is that you can only do so much to connect with someone and gain their understanding/support--a lot of it is entirely up to the other person.

God, I would kill to be able to have an electronic exchange about my life, but my mother has such disdain for electronic communication. I could kill my parents sometimes for how they treated the video games and internet time that helped me through some of my worst times in life.

If she has Asperger's also, it's probably just as frustrating for her.

I support the stance of just living your own life. There really is not any need for that degree of closeness in an adult with their own home and job.

This could work to get her to talk to me, but I'm not sure if it would be advantageous over just forcing the conversation on my terms some day. I'm reluctant to give her control because a major part of our relationship problems are outright caused by her abuse of controlling the situation. I'm afraid giving her control of a face to face conversation would lead to her searching out and exploiting some moment of weakness to come down on me, something I know from experience she is not above. It might be better to just force it one day when I know I can be prepared.