Lonely, but unable to connect.

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I'm having a bad day. My voice is changing due to being on hormones for being transgender, and singing, my only escape, is being turned into a bad dream where I can't hit the notes.

And I'm so lonely. But it's not an NT type of loneliness, where being around people would help. I've been around people for some of today already.

It's a different kind of loneliness. It's an awareness of how I don't "click" like other people, an awareness of how I've never had a close friend like NTs have close friends, an awareness that I am fundamentally different from other people and they will never understand me.

I want to be liked, I want to be loved, but something rooted in me sends out an "I'm weird" signal, and I am so clueless about social signals that I don't send out the correct signs, and potential friends pass me by because I can't break down my own social barriers enough to know how to let them know that I want to be close to them.

I truly feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd, but no one even sees me because I'm from some other dimension or planet.

I have never been so truly aware of how different I am, and it feels like there is no way back to contentment. How can I continue in happiness knowing that while my being yearns to be close to someone else, I lack the social knowledge to ever achieve it?

What do you do when you realize that you are broken? I feel broken.

Knowledge only grows with time and I think it's very possible for you to attain the knowledge that will allow you to make the close friends you want to make. It sounds like now is a particularly difficult time because while you are manifesting more as your true self you are losing the continuity of the sameness of the piece of you that you have held as most important, and I imagine this is really difficult. Maybe you can't hit the same notes as before but it's still your voice; maybe you'd just be better suited to different pieces of music or can do them in a lower... ah I wish I knew the word but you know what I mean!

Anyway... as for breaking down one's own social barriers to make close friends... it's a positive thing at least that you've identified some people you want to be closer to. Hmm, if you feel that your desire to be their friend isn't being made apparent maybe you have to be more explicit and just say "I have a hard time making friends and I'm really glad to have met you, you're just someone who's easy to be around" or whatever you happen to feel. Might feel awkward and forced but it will make them aware you think of them as a friend. Getting to know people is usually pretty awkward at first anyway.

Well yes I am sorry you're going through such a tough time and... hmm I seem to be in a sappy mood so I will paste this quote in here that seems like it might be relevant to your current situation: "One doesn’t discover new lands without first losing sight of the home shores." I'm sure you've probably heard some variation of it but I've found it does its intended job of being comforting and inspirational for me when I feel lost.

Hi purchase,
Your quote reminds me of one of my favourites: "A ship is safe in harbour, but that's not what ships are for."

As for the voice thing, I do like my new voice, but it takes some getting used to. I can't hit some of the high notes that most guys can hit, my voice is really quite low. I'm having problems with the voice lessons I am taking as part of my university music degree.

I have said to some friends that I appreciate having them, and that I have a hard time making friends. I think what has me down right now is that I feel so different from the people at school with me.

I see other friends texting each other, and today as I was having lunch with a friend, a mutual friend stopped by our table. The friend I was eating with tried to persuade her to stay, and she said she could stay for 5 minutes. The friend I was eating with said she was about to go buy her food, so she wouldn't be around for 5 minutes. The friend who stopped by said "Oh. I'll just go, then."

No offer to hang out with me for 5 minutes.

I just feel like I'll never have normal, close friendships like all my classmates seem to have.

I've always had that kind of lonlinesss. It filled me with dread and fear. I felt hopeless. Nowadays I have adapted and feel more peace of mind like never before. The key is acceptance like the Buddha.

Its never good to be alone , people are better in groups , i have seen that this is human nature. When people want to defend themselves or feel loved they are always in packs , but if you can never break into a group you feel the world is a huge place. If you are like me and you spend loads of time walking around observing others you will see that people tick with being with people , this is what i eventually want. I am 22 and i solely believe i have never been as lonely in my life as i am now , i am becoming less socially bothered and active than i used to be. Also i never seem that bothered with bothering to break in with other people i see that lots of people do not seem to accept me or maybe that is the way i perceive it , but where ever i go and what ever i do i feel like the outsider - the black horse.

I used to be fine alone. I used to live perfectly isolated, never making friends, and I never needed friends. I played by myself all through grade school (which usually meant walking back and forth in front of the fence running my hand over it, or spinning by myself, or wading in puddles and watching the water)

I managed to have an appearance of a "normal" life, even when I had to move out of my parents house when I was 19 I managed to work a minimum wage fast food job and keep a roof over my head. I didn't make friends with my coworkers, it was enough for me just to have something to do, I didn't need to socialize beyond work, in fact it was easier to just have a job to do and be able to talk about that, rather than to formulate a conversation around whatever they were talking about.

And then I had the chance to go to college, and the people I met there dragged me into the social world. They became my friends, and even though there was still that invisible barrier there that keeps me from really understanding friendship like they do, I had friends. And damnit I want to go back to the way I was when I was 20, blissfully ignorant of there even being a social world.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

I feel like I was dragged into the social world. That's why I said it.

I mean, I was perfectly fine on my own, never got lonely, didn't yearn to be part of anything.

Then I met some people who liked me despite my weirdness. I was at a theatre school, we were all weird in our own ways.

And now I can't be alone any more.

Like I said, ignorance is bliss. I wish I could go back.

When I try to fit in, I go out for a night on the town. Night clubs and such. It's easy to make friends at those.

Hey, even though you were dragged into the social world, you don't have to succumb to the pressures to be like everyone else. I have my own strategy to stay confident despite being different, but it's a bit crazy and I don't really feel like divulging it here because it would take too much thinking to try to phrase it appropriately. If you really want to know, send me a PM and I can try to explain.

I know it's hard to be different. I've always wanted to fit in and be normal. But as long as you can find your sense of belonging somewhere, as long as there is a group in your life where you really feel as an equal, it becomes much easier to cope with being alone and not being like everyone else. I guess it becomes harder to do so the more different you are, but it's the only way you can really fight the loneliness.

It's about complete self-acceptance, too. There still seems to be a lapse in your self-confidence.

EDIT: Also, you shouldn't be regretting getting out there into the social world. You would end up doing it sooner or later, anyway. Knowing at least how to get by the basic social demands is important in today's society and getting at least some practice with that is necessary. I think you can get through university at the most while being socially inept, but it is very hard to find a job placement without having at least some social experience and social know-how.

Please do not put additional pressure on yourself by thinking, I can't do this, this will never happen for me.It will and you can. It will however take time. Be patient with yourself.

A few thoughts that I hope you find useful.

It's more likely that you will find people who 'get' you, but that you won' ever fully get them.
There are many NT people who have the same feeling of inner distance while outwardly seeming integrated.

When you were younger you felt fine by yourself, now you don't because you've seen the 'other side' - painful as you find this it means you're growing, and learning.

Finding really good friends is hard for most people. Sometimes they find you rather than you them. Try to accept that you will have many superficial encounters to each meaningful one. That's normal.
The fact that you want to be with people rather than carry on in splendid isolation is a good thing.

You will, in time, make the deeper friendships you crave. Finding the right people to attempt this with is not an exact science but involves trial & error. These sorts of friendships are developed over time. I'm know that sounds like 'jam tomorrow' but mostly I want to take pressure off you to think this has to happen right now or it never will.

Good luck. You will be fine

I have felt like this all my life. Luckily I was able to form connections with a few people in my teenage years and that really saved me. I can't give you any good advice because these relationships formed organically. All I can say though is that most of my friends have something "wrong" with them. I cannot seem to connect with normal people. If you really wanna at least try connecting with others, I suggest you go to places where so-called weirdoes go (artistic and creative types etc.)

Actually, in my advanced age- haha- I find I feel best when I just stay at home and stop trying to form close friendships with others. When I DO try it just makes me depressed. No one meets my expectations, everyone is disappointing, and -when I think they understand me- they actually don't.

The loneliness thing was worst for me after moving out of a year or two of communal living. It happened to me twice. What was different about it was a sense of panic and loss. These days I'm a lot more used to being alone, and I can spend evenings that way without feeling particularly bad, but I still miss the days when there was nearly always somebody friendly to talk to. When I do feel lonely, I try to remember that my isolation is basically of my own making - I do almost nothing to keep in touch with friends or to make new one, as if I were waiting for the world to beat a path to my door. I will have friends when I can be arsed to go and get them.

Your voice problem sounds like what happened to me when my voice broke, at puberty. I was worried because I couldn't hit high notes any more. But once I got used to the new situation, I discovered that I could reclaim some of that upper range by singing louder. So eventually I got quite a bit of my range back, though naturally my "boy soprano" days were over. These days I try to strengthen the lower- and mid-range, though for some reason I don't like doing that (there's no tension in it), and prefer to sing at or near the top of my range. Perhaps your voice will follow a similar pattern.