Frustrated: I Don't Mean to Offend, But It Happens

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Last week I repeated a scene I've played out hundreds of times: Friend/Relative is (angered | offended | hurt | disturbed) by something I've said. I'm told I'm (mean | condescending | insensitive | rude). When I tell friend/relative I don't understand why they're upset with me, they tell me, "Oh, come on. You know better than that," and they get even madder at me for "pretending" that I don't understand what I did wrong. But I really don't understand.

When this scene plays out, I get hurt & depressed. I want to go home, curl up into a ball, and never speak to anyone ever again. I just want to cut myself off from the world so I never unintentionally offend or hurt anyone by something I say. After the meltdown, it takes me a day or so to feel safe interacting with people at all, and even then I'm still wary.

After a recent public "you shouldn't have said that" incident, I tried to get my wife to explain to me why I shouldn't have said what I said, and why people would take offense at it. She spent the better part of half an hour attempting to help me understand, but I never did. Their reaction still doesn't make sense to me.

My wife says that I should stop and think before I say things. The problem is that I do stop and think before I say things. I never say anything that I think would have the remotest chance of offending anyone, but apparently I'm a terrible judge about what other people would find offensive. (It probably doesn't help that I'm impossible to offend, which makes it harder to see how anyone can get offended about anything.)

Of course, I've had this little communication problem all of my life, but I would have thought by my early forties that I'd have a better handle on it than I actually do. So I'm asking for some advice: how can I minimize the chance of saying something that others will find offensive, short of just not talking at all?

Story of my life.

I think telling us on the spectrum "Stop before you say things" isn't really helpful because of our TOM impairments and different thinking.


I honestly have no other advice since you don't want to not not talk at all. Only thing I can offer is keep on reading forums online and seeing what offends people like Babycenter be the best place because there is always drama and women are always talking about in the groups about what "rude" things people say and you see what exactly offends them. You can add that to your list of things of what not to say. That was how I learned, the internet.

For criticisms, I recommend the sandwich technique.
Basically, you say something positive, and then negative, followed by something positive or uplifting.

When I was in college my writing instructor would use this technique to help us become better writers. She would write criticisms on our paper, but would also point out strengths and would encourage us that we could become better.

Just learning why something is inappropriate and what would be a better way to say something. Sorry I can't be much more help than that. I've learned what is appropriate/ inappropriate over the years and sometimes I still get it wrong.
Maybe such a thread could be made and stickied to help us overcome this difficulty. You can also check out the social rules thread at the top of this section of the forum.

I feel your pain. Many times I've received a variation on the line "You know very well what you did". Asking for clarification does no good as they just will not say what it is that you have done, and often seems to make them angrier. I find this particular reaction one of the most contrary, bizarre and upsetting facets of human behaviour I know. It is moments like these they I truly feel isolated in this world as such thinking is entirely alien to me.

Now replace parents/relatives with police and suddenly things have just got a heck load more scary....

I was told by a policeman that I 'DID' understand what he was saying when I hadn't heard half of it... I had even shown the autism alert card I hold for such occasions...

I always think people are too lazy to tell you (general you) what you did wrong when you ask. Then they get pissed when you have no idea what you did. Even if they think you are faking it, they are still too lazy to tell you.

I don't want to hijack this thread if this wasn't a direction you wanted to go with it, but something I'm curious about is this:

how would you recommend for NT people to point out unintentional offensive comments to you?

Specifically, I do lots of activism work at my school and I have a friend in some of the groups who I believe is on the spectrum. He's really great and passionate, but the problem is that he takes up a lot of space in meetings and talks over people sometimes. For me it's already very difficult educating neurotypical male friends about male privilege and the space males think they can take up, so I've been thinking a lot about how to help him understand such a difficult topic as a friend and a fellow activist.

Because we're very likely to see it as a lecture. No-one likes being lectured at.

I have this issue a ton. Kind of sad it seems to never go away. It's nice you have a wife to help explain issues. I don't ya e anyone outside of WP friends and that's it.

Aaaargh, this hits close to home! Last week I accompanied my gentleman companion to his office Christmas party and I thought that I had done great. Mixed. mingled, wasn't clingy, tried to talk a lot etc. The next day I was informed that I was disrepectful, embarrassing, that I should have spent more time with him and that I was dismissive of the gifts and generally inappropriate. I am still upset. What the hell am I supposed to act like?

I wish they would simply say, "What you just said (offended | angered | disturbed) me." Move the focus from what I said to their reaction to what I said.

I could simply apologize and say I didn't mean to offend. If appropriate, I could ask why what I said offended them, so I could maybe learn to not say such things in the future.

What usually happens is that I am attacked for being (evil | mean | rude | condescending), which causes me to become hurt and defensive.

This happens to me quite frequently.

For instance, until very recently I didn't realise that people find it offensive/inappropriate when I say I find something easier than they do, or am more academically gifted than other people. My partner took me aside and said they people find this arrogant and don't want to be told this. I really didn't, and still don't, understand why. They tried to explain, for about forty minutes, then gave up. But they said something that I think holds try specifically for us Autistic/Aspie people, you don't have to understand why it offends them just know and accept that it does. No matter how irrational and strange it seems. To them that fact that we don't understand why is just as peculiar.

It's not a full proof plan, but I keep a mental list of things that people are likely to find offensive and then check what I'm saying with it. Then decide if it's still something I want to say.

My list current list (although it's not exhaustive, as people seem to find just about anything offensive) of things likely to offend:
1. Anything that is negative, however true, about a person, their family, close friends, race, culture, religious or sexual persuasion, personal hobbies or interests, etc, basically any personal information imaginable.
2. Comments perceived to be 'insensitive', for example I've pointed out before that it's impractical to give money to charities to feed children in countries that aren't in a position to provide economic security to all the children born there. Money would be better served helping to develop political and economic security first, then feeding. People think you're a monster and cry "But what about the children!?!".
3. Pointing out that something some has said is factually, grammatically or logically inaccurate.
NT Partner says the list covers most things.

Because it implies you think less of others. You're telling people they're less capable than you are, as though there is something wrong with them. It can be considered an insult.

Don't make "you" statements. Don't attribute _anything_ to them personally.

It isn't that they're too "lazy" to tell you what you did or said, it's that it's something embarrassing to them. Saying it again themselves, trying to explain it to you, would just make it more "real" to them, and attach the uncomplimentary label that much more firmly. Things that have double meanings would be especially bad, because they'd have to bring the hidden meaning out into the open. Even things that you think are complimentary -- say, if you called a boy or man "pretty", that's a word that's used about women, and would sound like you were saying he's gay. Look at the words themselves, at every possible meaning of them besides the one you intended.