Is it more a lack of understanding rather than empathy?

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I believe I do have empathy with people but have trouble understanding how to express it in the right way. I can't really think of a time where I have been deliberately anti social.

No clue. I believe it's fairly individual. I know that I just can't tell what emotions people are feeling (aside from anger usually). It just... goes over my head. But, if I figure it out I can be quite a nice guy apparently.

Yes, just what you said in the title. I remained ignorant to empathy for many years. Now I know it but it's harder to express. The failure to show my feelings makes me react very negatively, like locking myself in my room when people want me to socialise and getting irritated by every little thing.

I don't have the same emotional responses to social stimuli as others have, e.g. I don't feel offended by things that offend others, e.g. I don't feel happy from things that make others happy, so that is how I lack empathy with others, but others also lack empathy with me.

I hope this is true of others, it would explain a lot...

For me, I feel that I can understand others' feelings and expressions but the only way I can express it back is if its in a technical manner...

For example I know a guy who misunderstand's his teenager's perception of the world... She's a classic teenager and teenagers were my biggest focus when I was one myself out of self-preservation against bullying

When he says "I just dont understand why she has a need to tell me about things that blah blah I may or may not approve of but dont want to hear about blah blah etc etc" I have a technical answer back like "she is being a typical teenager is is saying that to get your response positive or negative... it's her way of getting advice"

the technical way of thinking makes it easier to relay...

however if someone pisses me off personally because I can tell they are being a pampas ass who needs their head shoved up their behind I have the most difficult time explaining what it is about their inappropriate behavior that triggered me.

It's sometimes a matter of not recognizing what I'm supposed to be reacting to, it's sometimes a matter of not being able to express myself very well, and it's sometimes a matter of not faking it like most NTs do.

This.

It's taken me a while to figure out I am not very good at reading emotions (or working out what has led to them), and I'm not very good at recognising my own emotions either. I understand the theory behind it: for instance, when I write, I can link character behaviour to emotions (and vice versa) and create consistent, believable characters (so I am told ), but I can't figure out from the body language of people in real life what they are feeling. I think this is why people get angry with me - they expect me to be able to read what they are projecting because they feel they are being very obvious, and it's likely why I get angry too - until their emotions are extreme, I can't link together how they are feeling based on cues, and therefore provide the response they are seeking.

I think so. I have empathy for people, but not when it's for things I can't understand.
Ex: My mother often cries for her several years deceased father (my grandfather, obviously) who died after longterm suffering, from a terminal illness.
I'm very sorry she's sad, but don't know what to do or say, especially since I'm glad he's no longer suffering. It gets better as time progresses. I felt nothing but relief when he first died, while she was hysterical, and thought me some sort of monster.

Anyway.

I try my best to show empathy, but rarely know to say anything other than "I'm sorry" and "I love you".

I agree.

I don't think I lack empathy at all; I lack the ability to empathize in an acceptable / appropriate manner.

What Jory wrote, that's pretty much spot on.

I have empathy when I can understand why someone feels the way they do. I often don't understand why someone is so emotional about something, so I'm at a bit of a loss when that happens. If someone they care about dies, I can understand that and empathize. But, sometimes people are very upset about something that just would be less of a big deal to me and I can't seem to "put myself in their shoes" very well. Not that I wouldn't like to, just that I have trouble doing it.

~Kate

Really well put. I really relate to this as a lot of times I see events practically and while I see those around me feeling bad about things, when I don't see the reason I feel especially bad for them. My empathy is actually a pitty that they cant just see the situation objectively. It's easier to deal with loss when you can think of the situation... the "it was just their time to go" sometimes greatly outweighs the attachment for loved ones...

Thanks for the replies. It feels good to be able to talk about things and be understood. Something that wouldn't happen before I started posting on here.

Many times I have emotional empathy without cognitive empathy...meaning I can sense someone is upset or whatever and can feel that intensely but cannot for the life of me understand why they are so upset.
If I have not experienced something personally....I cannot understand why they feel a certain way but I can intensely feel their emotions like waves washing over me, if that makes any sense at all.

But for things like grief....I have neither emotional or cognitive empathy. My brain cant process grief...it just bypasses it.
For funerals and such....I just keep my mouth shut because I am bound to say something that will offend someone.


But yes there is a difference between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Ppl with ASD's often have one without the other or in some cases neither.

Jojo

;

Empathy means to be able to identify an emotional state in others
AND to have an internal emotional respose.

People use it to mean either of these things when the deffintion it has to be BOTH. Empathy is not the same as compasion or caring. This confusion is why it isnt used in descritions much anymore and why it was regarded as a form of psycopathy.

Eg. you come home to find a loved one distraght.
A psychopath can identify the emotion by doesnt care. An aspie my not realise, but does care once they do.

Right, this is the distinction that is overlooked.

I can understand what others are feeling and care and have compassion for them but that doesn't mean I actually "feel" for them. I don't have an emotional response to it.