How much to adapt to NTs?

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So its a balance between faking NT and giving them what they want/expect vs allowing myself to be comfortable and happy, what I cant figure out is the extent to which I should adapt to NTs and the extent to which I should let myself be me.

For example: Eye contact
NTs expect eye contact, by not giving them eye contact I am happier and more relaxed, however they then try to read into this as me being anxious, shy, hiding emotions, etc and in the words of one NT get "weirded out". So there needs to be a balance between giving and avoiding.

For example: Socially innapropriate use of sunglasses, headphones etc.
NTs expect people to take of sunglasses indoors, headphones when listening to someone etc: There is a trade off between preventing stress from sensory issues and fitting in with social norms.

I know some will think just to be yourself fully however, to me it is important to fit in with NTs to some extent as I cant go through life being judged and written of as weird etc, I dont want NTs to be put off by my outward appearance but at the same time I dont want to compromise being me too much. I dont know how to see where the balance lies?

Give them brief eye contact. What I do is if I am in a conversation I give them what I call brief eye contact.

Brief eye contact is simply this

John, "Hey Pandora,"

Pandora, "Hello," *give them eye contact*

John, "How are you doing?"

Pandora, "Good," *drop eye conatct and focus elsewhere* for me I cannot remember audio very well so I watch lips.

John, "That's good; the kids and I are fishing next weekend," *give eye contact*

I think you get the point. No one thinks I'm weird because I do it in such a natural way. But I don't feel staring at each other's eye balls the whole entire time is fun.

Basically I took what I learned in my speech classes, into regular converation.

Whenever presenting a powerpoint or a speech, you look at your paper, read the point, and then look at your audience. It's always that recycled move, paper, audience, paper, audience,etc.

Same thing with conversations, eye contact, drop, eye contact, drop,etc.

To be honest, a lot of people - both ASD and NT's alike - can have a false sense of normality. They can feel like they have to look and act a certain way or they won't be included.

I personally don't care about these so-called "social expectations", I just do what makes me feel right.

Hope this helps you find your point of view.

How do they react if you break thier expectations as to how people should act?

I reognise what you're saying about, on the one hand, wanting to be yourself, and on the other, wanting to function effectively as a valid part of general social situation. I'm not sure about how to go about it and it will perhaps be a question I will be asking myself soon. What I do think, however, is that both aspects are important and not necessarily in conflict within our psychological understanding of ourselves and our approacch to life. I feel quite deeply that I want to be myself and almost to the extent that I have tried to deny that I also have a deep need to be recognised as valid, accepted or integated by and with other people. I think that both aspects are part of being who I am. That is, I am an individual with a particular disposition and so on but I am also a product - biologically, culturally, psychologically - of other people and so my own sense of self is integrated into how others respond to me and how I feel I am being perceived by others. In principle, therefore, there should not have to be a conflict between being myself and 'fitting in' (if you want to put it like that).

Let me preface what I am about to say by saying that I am not sure if I am an Aspie or an NT. I checked out this site purely for informational purposes and recognized myself here. I have taken all the online tests and "failed" them (in other words, they all seem to indicate I am an NT). I think I straddle the fence.

About faking it to fit in, a few years ago I went on vacation in France. I don't speak the language, and the natives undoubtedly recognized me immediately as a foreigner. Still, they treated me okay when I at least tried to adhere to their cultural norms. Just because I said PAR-LAY VOO ON-GLAY? didn't mean I was forsaking my national identity. It just made it easier for me to deal with them.

Being sort of NT myself, I can tell you that NTs are not as comfortable with socializing as they might appear. Another thing you may not know is that all NTs share a special interest: THEMSELVES. When an NT is talking to you and you do something "weird," many of them are likely to think they are responsible for your behavior. "They don't make eye contact with me! Maybe they don't like me! Do I have something stuck between my teeth? Does my breath smell bad? I bet it's that pimple I have on my nose! Oh hell, I bet that's it! Damn! Damn! Damn!" Then they become indignant: "How dare they judge me!" At this point they excuse themselves or get in your face, thinking that what you do somehow is reflecting on them as a person.

What I would suggest is to do what Pandora suggests, to the point that you are comfortable with it. As far as sensory issues are concerned, you have every right to protect yourself from sensory overload. If you are not comfortable telling them you are an Aspergian, mention that certain kinds of light or loud noise can give you migraines. You'll get a lot of sympathy from migraine sufferers.

As the person who runs my Social Anxiety Disorder group says, "If EVERYONE hates you, you are probably doing something wrong. If EVERYONE likes you, you are probably doing something wrong too. In reality, a few people will like you, a few will hate you, and the rest are too self absorbed to care one way or the other."

Only ones who will react are the ones who are not really worth knowing anyway.

Thank you for verbalizing this internal experience. OMG, so many of my everyday interactions make sense now.

e.g. I comment on there being a lot of food on the dinner table, and my mother starts defending herself for cooking too much food and acting annoyed at me for saying what I said, as if I had said that it had been horribly wrong for her to cook too much food for dinner. But I only meant that there was a lot of food on the dinner table as a random physical observation of the amount of food on the dinner table, like "the sky is blue". I was thinking about whether I had similar responses when others say something similar to me, but I really don't. If someone says to me that there is a lot of food on my plate, my mind will not go to "OMG! They think I'm fat! They think I'm eating too much!", but instead to my plate to see if there is indeed a lot of food on my plate. So this means that I sense nothing wrong with saying that others have a lot of food on their plates, which I have learned is not a good thing to let slip out of your mouth.

btbnnyr,

I completely agree with you. Thank you NTAndrew!

A recent example of this was when I was at the deli counter with an NT friend of mine and she ordered 1.0 pounds of a lentil/bean salad that I like. It was on sale and I said "oh, you are buying a whole pound."

In my mind, I was thinking that she was wise for buying extra since it was on sale. Well she took it as "OMG no wonder you are such a huge fata$$!"

In the car ride back to the office, I sensed that there was something wrong so i started going back through the interactions between she and I in the store and lucked out when the first thing I asked was if she was upset that I pointed out the quantity of food she bought.

She said "no" in that way that NTs say no when they really mean "of course, you ret*d." So then I explained that i commented because I thought it was a smart move to buy more during the sale and that I don't care how much she eats.

Interestingly, after I explained my thought process, SHE was the one that blushed. Normally I spend all my time doing that.

And if a girl says "Does my bum look big in this", You don't reply if it was any bigger it would have its own gravitational field.

Its your cue to become spontaneously blind.

And mute!

Imagine all the non-verbal cues that you are constantly giving off without being able to control yourself giving them off and that are constantly being translated into something bad about the other person in the other person's head. It might be nice to walk about in a box through which you can see others, but others can't see you, eggsept for the box that they know that you are in.

No kidding!

I bet that every time I say that I am indifferent toward something, which I do quite often, the NT interacting with me assumes that I:

1. Don't want to talk to them, or
2. Am lying and actually do have an opinion about whatever it is, or
3. Am trying to be "cool" by acting like I don't care (this one is sort of like #2 above), or
4. Am not actually paying attention to their inquiry.

The exception to this seems to be when I discuss projects with computer scientists/ programmers. When I say I am indiffernt about a software feature, they usually don't push me for more of an opinion and just include or don't include the feature in the final product as they wish. Then again, I doubt that there are very many competent NT programmers out there. But I could be wrong.

I am just me. I change for no one - period!
They can take it or leave it. What is to be gained?

I have never, and I mean never had a problem finding a girl friend. I am extremely good looking and of course that helps. I don't think a week went by that I did not have a girl friend and most relationships lasted many years as a teen.

Do I want to be cool - never. Again, I am just me. Screw the stereotypes.

This is essentially the way I am feeling at the moment

Can you explain why you think there should not have to be a conflict? I see conflict because NT expectations/preferences differ from my needs/preferences.

Wow thanks, suddenly some very perplexing situations make sense...