Went to a doctor yet I am still defending myself

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My mother just can not see to come to terms with her 25 y/o autistic daugther. I went to the doctor when I was living in Salt Lake City and and he finally shed light on me being different my entire life. I never felt like I belonged anywhere even when I was with my family. I also have a friend who is like against it and tells me that I use it as an excuse to be mean to people. I do not lie and I have a hard time with it so do not think I am being like nasty to people with lies. People do things that they are ashamed of and get offended when I say it. Another issue is that when it comes to situations where an NT would feel some sort of feeling my AS kicks in and I think logically. If someone dies I am just happy it's not me. I got yelled at for not crying when a teenage friend of my brother died... I had not seen the guy in like 10 years. I did not cry at my grandfathers funeral or my uncles why would I for him? It is not my fault my brain is not wired right, my little sister will cry over large tragic things. She flooded her face when Katrina hit. I was happy I do not live in an area where that would be an issue.
I seem to find myself being attacked like I am in the wrong all the time, I really can not help it. Sometimes (like right now) I feel like a dog trapped with my back against the wall so I have to attack back. When I lash out at them I always seem to "cross the line"! Who drew this damn line anyways and how am I to know where it is?!?!

I just called a doctor and I am going back to get the tests done again. I took an online test and my NT score was 40 out of 200 and my AS score was 169 out of 200 just to prove a point to these idiots.

I eat my cereal from a cup b/c I was taught to not drink out of a bowl like a dog... I am not ret*d I just think a little more on the logical side and less on the emotional side.
I do not know what to do but I am hoping this "expert" can help deal with it. Am I going crazy... crazier??

no i dont think you are going crazy i had it alot like you, and when i got my diagnose, i got obsessed with explaining everyone that my odd behavior, and lack of understanding in social situation actually is a neuron thing, and not my fault, but offcourse, then they said i used my diagnose to excuse lack of will to change, so i dont feel aything went better. now 2 1/2 year post diagnose, i dont tell ppl more then a few time, then i try to fit in, but accept that i in many cases (especially with more then one person in the room) i dont. (sry for lack in my english skills
i know this is a cliche,butmy best advise is to use some time, and most off the time thing will adjust to the better, at least i am happy for a diagnose, it explain so much, and then i can read about myself, and understand what is wrong/troubling for me, and i can adjust, and ppl that want me in their life can adjust. but i guess its a both side deal, we on this side ofthe diagnose cant expect everyone else to addjust, and the other side cant expect that we should adjust in every matter.

Goodness I am glad to be around people who understand me. People seem to like my honesty also. My husband got used to it so anything I say isn't as hurtful nor shocking. people don't really say anything to me about what they think of me.

I didn't cry either when my brother lost his friend in a car accident they were in. I just felt sorry for her family and then felt happy when I heard they had other kids and didn't feel as sad. At least they still had children. I never knew this person either. I am sure I have seen her but I didn't know all their friends and she didn't go to my school because she was in the same grade as my brother and he was four grades behind. I also didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral when he died. I remember being in shock when I heard he died because I was not expecting it. I didn't understand why others were crying and to me it's so illogical to cry about it because he was already gone when he was alive. He was not himself anymore due to being senile and he had no memory anymore and couldn't do anything anymore. He needed 24/7 care. So crying about him being dead because of the happy memories they had of him, shouldn't that have been done before his death because he was gone already? Why wait until his death and then start crying because of the happy memories they had of him when he still had his normal brain? BTW I was not the only one who didn't cry there.

Natural disasters doesn't really upset me when it happens. I am just glad I was not there when it happened. I still find it all sad and for all those people but I don't react to it the way other people do. I don't obsess over it nor focus on it like they do. I have a short attention span for it.

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It sucks that it has to come to this I basically told my mom to f**k off today and to leave me alone. I'm sick of dealing with it. I not normal as much as I try to fit in I don't. It sucks feeling like a stranger in your own mothers house. I often wondered if she found me. It would explain a lot! It is tough to be called a liar when you find a name for what you feel. I read the book Look Me In The Eyes and I really understood other people were just like me too. I shouldn't have to feel bad about being me.

Let me slice a bit and a bit here and there, okay? Don't worry, I'm going to cut off only the most..tasty..parts. Gahahahaha!

Not autism.



Not autism.



Not autism



Not autism



Not autism.



That's right. You are not ret*d. So far nothing you said has anything to do with autism spectrum disorder.

But you know, I know exactly what you are doing now. You are broken, weak and traumatized by your environment. Even though your brain is capable of making (fairly) correct judgment, it means nothing if you lack the willpower. If your friends and family told you 2+2 is 3 would you also react like that? Probably...yes.

And you seem to have some sort of weird dislike towards the dogs. Were you bitten in childhood or something?

no you shouldn't have to feel bad about being yourself.


It helps to do the following exercise to obtain empathy(when you don't have it and neither do I)

Imagine you are the person experiencing the pain and issue and then react as if it was happening to you.

I was taught how to do that as a child and it has helped me logically understand the people around me. I did cry at my grandparent's funerals I miss them and I will not see them again and will not be able to make more memories.

Makes you feel like an odd ball sometimes. I am happy there are people who can relate. I never fit in as a child and I worry my son will deal with the same. I don't have many friends and I can't make them. The only reason I've ever had a boyfriend b/c I'm attractive I've been told. I don't even see that. I am with someone now who doesn't get it really. He says he does but he doesn't. We are going to do a few couple sessions. I always expect people to get sick of me and go b/c that's the way it has always been. People don't stick around they leave which makes it hard to trust when others tell you I will always be there or I will never hurt you.... How do they know what they will never do. I always hated dating b/c I almost ALWAYS was asked have you ever cheated. I would say no then like some social que it was followed up by would you. At these points I wonder why I'm classified as mentally handicapped and NT people aren't the odd ones. Logically you have no way to know this. Just like when men brag about what they would have done in a pretend social situation they really don't know. What's the point of making up these statements.

Sorry ADD tangent I'm glad there are others who get my train of thought. Makes me feel better!

You are not going crazy. What you are experiencing is a totally understandable reaction. It's something many of us deal with: Namely, you've lived your entire life in a world that says that being different is bad, wrong, inferior; that disability is a tragedy; that you need to be "normal" or you can't have a good life. However much you know rationally that those things aren't true (and they are NOT true, trust me on this one!), being exposed to them your whole life will imprint them on your brain until they become automatic, and you're not even aware that you're thinking them anymore.

What you have to do when your brain starts playing those recordings of you being not good enough, not normal, not acceptable, is to look at them straight on and challenge them. When your brain says, "I'm a horrible person for not crying at a funeral," you come back and say, "Why? What's horrible about it? Who says? Why am I listening to them?" Often times you will find there's very little rationality about those ideas, just a lot of people who believe them. Well, a lot of people believed slavery was okay and women were inferior; they were wrong, too. Just as wrong as the people who now believe that autistics aren't as good as "normal" people.

You're going to take a long time to erase those recordings. I'm still working on it. But you can. I know, because I've made a good deal of progress. Use your logic; question everything. Read about other people with disabilities who've figured out this stuff. Get some perspectives on your life that don't come from people who worship the normal. And don't sell yourself short. You have as much right to be on this planet as the most normal, average person in existence.

[/quote]

That's right. You are not ret*d. So far nothing you said has anything to do with autism spectrum disorder.

But you know, I know exactly what you are doing now. You are broken, weak and traumatized by your environment. Even though your brain is capable of making (fairly) correct judgment, it means nothing if you lack the willpower. If your friends and family told you 2+2 is 3 would you also react like that? Probably...yes.

And you seem to have some sort of weird dislike towards the dogs. Were you bitten in childhood or something?[/quote]

No just seems like they fit lol everyone around me has always told me that I was weird and now as an adult I get attacked by the people closest to me.... Seems a little harsh. Your right I am damaged by my environment. My brain is overloaded right now and even my normal self soothing routines are not working. It sucks!! I was told lack of empathy and understanding of normal human emotions were both autistic symptoms...
When my grandfather died i didn't process it correctly and I was screamed at by my aunt for laughing when I looked at him. I laughed because they put him in his blue shirt and purple shirt. My grandmother loved it on him, however, I was laughing recalling how he said that he looked like Elton Jonhs lover in it and he only wore it because my grandma had a secret fetish for gay men. It was funny

Damaged? Maybe. But damage heals, and then you're stronger. You survive enough crap, and you realize just how strong you are. People are amazing that way--tougher than we ever give ourselves credit for.

Lot of autistic people are that way with their emotions. I think what nrau was trying to say is NTs are that way too and he doesn't agree it's an autism thing. That's how I think too about things that are listed as an autism thing such as black and white thinking.


I have seen NTs online also not having empathy for natural disasters or a kid dying or someone dying. Also I have read that they also fake it but yet they feel nothing inside them nor sad. Then there are NTs out there that refuse to play the game and they also get crap for it but they don't have a leg to stand on.

I think they have this listed as an autistic trait because we are just more honest and genuine and not fakers so they assume it's an autistic thing to lack emotions for things and feelings and be sad about it. We just don't react the same way as NTs do.

If it helps any your mom has to come to terms with your condition as well and may not be ready to. My parents are taking forever, over a year now and I was officially diagnosed.

Combined with not knowing why they wouldn't believe me!? and not being able to tell what they think about it, is driving me nuts. Probably the source of some of your frustration too.

Then leave your environment. More-leave the society as a whole. Not everyone is like your friends and family, but the way you are now you are going to fail anywhere you go. You have to forget everything they told you and act only on your own judgment. Don't measure yourself with their scale and don't let anything influence you.
Become a shut in, at least for a few months. Avoid interaction. Eliminate all the exterior factors affecting you. Rest. Read a few books. Contemplate. After some time you'll get better.

I think that's unfair. Aspergers presents in different ways in different people. Taking things literally can be a sign of AS, as is logical thinking, black and white thinking, and a lack of empathy. This is one of the diagnostic criteria: a lack of social or emotional reciprocity. I think this fits fairly well.
You can't dismiss someone's request for help simply because you don't think they've got AS, it's very rude. If you've got nothing helpful to say why say anything at all? Just because they're not exactly like you doesn't mean they don't have AS.

Cjocjocj, I think a lot of your ways are possibly autistic in nature. I too find it hard to empathise sometimes, especially when things happen far away. Most people I know don't break down when hearing about a disaster somewhere, not where I'm from anyway, but Americans do seem to like their big emotional displays. Most people will have empathy when they see others in emotional distress though, like they find it upsetting to see someone they're close to crying. I didn't cry when I found out my husbands granddad died, it didn't seem appropriate, I didn't really know him, nor was I upset when I found out my granddad had cancer, I didn't really know him either, so why would I? It doesn't make sense. I think logically, and I'm not good at lies, at times I am brutally honest and don't realise I should be giving someone the answer they seek rather than being truthful. These are all parts of my AS as far as I'm concerned. Maybe you are just a logical person, maybe you have AS, if you think it will help you should definitely get tested. Either way, I hope you get some help Cjocjocj and the answers that you need. Good luck.

And that's the worst advice I've ever heard. Leave society? You are going to fail anywhere you go? That's really helpful - yes, I'm being sarcastic.. You have problems socialising, so shut yourself away and mope for a few months and you'll emerge cured? Yeah right! The only thing that's going to do is make it worse. If I were you Cjocjocj I'd get as far away from this forum as possible before it completely screws you up, and go back to your doctor for those tests. Maybe then you can get some real help rather than the screwed up advice of an autistic 18 year old.

How is what I say not helpful? How is what you said more helpful? You just wrote "yes you have autism and I too "

Listen, she doesn't lack empathy. She said she was sad when her grandfather died-just she didn't cry during the funeral. It's expectable. Only attention craving old women cry on funerals.
Further, most of people don't get sad when they learn that someone close to them died, either-unless they force it, of course. Most of people get sad later, with time, when they truly notice that the person that used to be a part of their life is missing and gone, forever. It is only natural that you only start crying weeks or even months later.

Not being touched by the death of strangers also doesn't say anything about lack of empathy. It's only logical that you don't care about the people you've never met. People only get sad when they hear the stranger Y has died because they ask questions like "what if it was me?" "what if it was my brother?" etc etc. In other words, they give this faceless stranger Y the face of their friend, relative or at least someone they know and thus, they form an artificial connection that allows them to "care" about the misfortune of this stranger Y.