Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy?

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abyssquick
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21 Aug 2012, 3:52 pm

Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy (of the emotional sort)?. I think so. It's kind of a natural fit given our sensitivities, and our penchant for alone-time. I'm wondering if other people have to work on opening up, being comfortable, and not to pushing other people in their life away.



IMCarnochan
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21 Aug 2012, 4:16 pm

I never feared intimacy, I just never understood it. People may just as well have been speaking japanese when talking about their feelings, I learned to fake it before I learned to "feel" it. I find my black and white attitude and strong memory tends to make forgiving harder than normal people. I also think that anyone you let in close will eventually hurt you or let you down, usually not on purpose, so the fear is understood. Being able to get by the barrier, to get close to people is hard, but I find without the possibility of danger or disaster, life is less robust. Lets cliche, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Also, life sucks, wear a helmet.



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21 Aug 2012, 7:35 pm

I've always had a fear of intimacy. I know that it would feel unnatural to me for many different reasons that I've mentioned here on WP over the years. I also don't wish to be dominated by a male, being that I feel that I'm male myself. There are many horror stories about abusive relationships.


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21 Aug 2012, 11:06 pm

I don't "fear" intimacy per-se, I'm just not particularly interested in it. That may change once I've experienced, but at current, no.


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Jasmine90
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22 Aug 2012, 2:47 am

I often crave it, but when put in an intimate situation with someone, I don't think I know how to process it. I'm generally not afraid of things I have trouble understanding, but when it comes to social interaction (since intimacy is like the ultimate social endeavour) I know for a fact I'll be doing it wrong, because I don't, for the life of me, know how to properly do it. So, I avoid it. It brings on the sort of fear that makes you freeze up and mentally shut down, almost like an Earth computer program trying to function on alien code, or vice versa, or something. *shrug*



Johnq
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22 Aug 2012, 2:58 am

yea I crave intimacy but I don't like people touching me or being in the same room more than 15 or so minutes. I'm going for the record of the oldest living virgin, at 30 so far.

Sucks so bad I want a girlfriend to love but I can't talk to girls at all, I don't understand how dating works. I don't understand what makes a person decide to reject you or accept you. A girl rejected me at age 15 and I haven't talked to another girl since. It was too embarrassing.

And thinking about getting old and having an old person sleeping next to me and occasionally farting in the bed makes me realize intimacy or marriage would probably never be possible. I don't understand how people when they begin to age are still attracted to one another. Maybe they aren't, they just try and not thing about it.

And people kissing just seems weird. Tie's make to sense to me either. Silly humans.

And it's like all males are under a spell to where they have to think about sex all day long. I feel sorry for them actually. It controls their life. I rarely think about it, and to me it seems kind of disgusting. I do see aesthetic beauty in both males and females (more in females :) )

Can't wait until they start putting people on Mars, I think I would fit in much better there. Should have hitched a ride on the rover :P



Johnq
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22 Aug 2012, 3:10 am

Does intimacy only mean sex?

Edit: Examples of INTIMACY

the intimacy of old friends
the intimacy of their relationship
He felt he achieved a certain intimacy with her.
The band liked the intimacy of the nightclub.

Lol that's silly, a band having intimacy for a nightclub? It's not even a person. And intimacy with a friend? Where is the line between associate, friend, and intimate friend. The phrase intimate friend doesn't make any sense to me.



abyssquick
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23 Aug 2012, 9:15 am

Johnq wrote:
Does intimacy only mean sex?


I'm referring to emotional intimacy. Meaning, comfort with being yourself, opening up entirely, accepting that the other person genuinely cares for you.



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07 Sep 2012, 7:30 pm

I'm terrified of it.



btbnnyr
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07 Sep 2012, 8:46 pm

I am not afraid of emotional intimacy. I am much moar afraid of physical intimacy, because that involves people touching me.



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15 Sep 2012, 9:27 pm

abyssquick wrote:
Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy (of the emotional sort)?. I think so. It's kind of a natural fit given our sensitivities, and our penchant for alone-time. I'm wondering if other people have to work on opening up, being comfortable, and not to pushing other people in their life away.


OMG - yes! As an example, back in April, I had lunch with a former co-worker who I had not seen in about 3 years. At the lunch, he immediately jumps into a lengthy conversation sharing with me all of the marital issues he is having - he and his wife have a business arrangement basically, no longer a marriage. He is fairly certain she is cheating on him with her boss, etc. And, while I displayed appropriate empathy (not a problem for me), I absolutely could not bring myself to share anything meaningful with him from my own personal life, especially the fact that I was just as miserable as he was and had recently had my heart shattered in pieces. I said nothing about that to him. Later that night, I thought to myself "what the hell is wrong with me???" Why can't I share anything with people when other people share so easily. What am I so afraid of? I don't have any answers, but I do know it is a problem of mine.


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15 Sep 2012, 10:07 pm

This comment on Aspie Strategy (link) pretty much sums up why I am terrified of intimacy. It's in response to the blog post, "Adults with Asperger's and Building Self-Concept." It's worth a read.

Quote:
Two of the major contributors to our problems with neuro-typical people stem from a) alexythemia and b) meltdowns. Alexythemia is our difficulty identifying our emotions and putting them into words; for many of us, it's much easier for us to tell you what we're thinking, than what we're feeling. When working with other people with AS, I always ask "what's on your mind?" rather than "what are you feeling?" The other problem is meltdowns. The tv show Sherlock impressed the heck out of me by depicting an Asperger's-type meltdown very accurately, complete with the usual neuro-typical reaction. To look at the scene through an Aspie's eyes: The alexythemic person has chosen to trust his NT friend and open up to him, letting his NT friend see emotions that he's not accustomed to sharing, and is having trouble vocalising. His NT friend, however, tells him that he's over-reacting, not being rational (confirming the AS-like person's deepest fears), shutting him down, then shutting him out. The AS-like person reacts with hostility that is - to an Aspie viewer - quite understandable: He feels shut down, invalidated, and mocked. And then, just to make it even worse, he is blamed.

This sort of situation happens to AS people all the time, so we can relate to this scene keenly. To an AS person, this type of NT response just confirms to them that people are not to be trusted and that opening up is the wrong thing to do. Quite often, the AS person is then expected to apologise for their behaviour, to which the AS person quite confidently feels "It won't happen again" - because they will never confide in that person again. Or anyone.


I want intimacy and I do crave it. However from my life experiences, it's always bit me in the ass.



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15 Sep 2012, 10:36 pm

abyssquick wrote:
Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy (of the emotional sort)?. I think so. It's kind of a natural fit given our sensitivities, and our penchant for alone-time. I'm wondering if other people have to work on opening up, being comfortable, and not to pushing other people in their life away.

A lot. getting too close seems to be destructive rather than contructive.


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15 Sep 2012, 11:48 pm

abyssquick wrote:
Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy (of the emotional sort)?. I think so. It's kind of a natural fit given our sensitivities, and our penchant for alone-time. I'm wondering if other people have to work on opening up, being comfortable, and not to pushing other people in their life away.

A lot. getting too close seems to be destructive rather than contructive.


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AspieFromOz
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16 Sep 2012, 2:37 am

Yeah, I find i don't like intimacy. At my old highschool boy/girl relationships were everywhere, and as far as i saw it i was the only single guy there. I didn't mind it to be quite honest. If a girl offers to date me, i will refuse her no matter what, whether intimacy is involved or not.


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Mdyar
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16 Sep 2012, 6:45 am

abyssquick wrote:
Are we more prone to Fear of Intimacy (of the emotional sort)?. I think so. It's kind of a natural fit given our sensitivities, and our penchant for alone-time. I'm wondering if other people have to work on opening up, being comfortable, and not to pushing other people in their life away.


I do not fear it and I really enjoy sharing information and feeling the exchange or "value" of it. It takes the right kind of people to connect up with.

But typical people need this/engage in this 24/7 - that's where I find it smothering - it's like being wrapped in cellophane/plastic.

Way at the other end of this: It is to my understanding that refraining from any emotional connectivity ( "avoidant") thus feeling fearful of this contact, has a strong earmark of Schizoid PD.