This comment on Aspie Strategy (link) pretty much sums up why I am terrified of intimacy. It's in response to the blog post, "Adults with Asperger's and Building Self-Concept." It's worth a read.
Quote:
Two of the major contributors to our problems with neuro-typical people stem from a) alexythemia and b) meltdowns. Alexythemia is our difficulty identifying our emotions and putting them into words; for many of us, it's much easier for us to tell you what we're thinking, than what we're feeling. When working with other people with AS, I always ask "what's on your mind?" rather than "what are you feeling?" The other problem is meltdowns. The tv show Sherlock impressed the heck out of me by depicting an Asperger's-type meltdown very accurately, complete with the usual neuro-typical reaction. To look at the scene through an Aspie's eyes: The alexythemic person has chosen to trust his NT friend and open up to him, letting his NT friend see emotions that he's not accustomed to sharing, and is having trouble vocalising. His NT friend, however, tells him that he's over-reacting, not being rational (confirming the AS-like person's deepest fears), shutting him down, then shutting him out. The AS-like person reacts with hostility that is - to an Aspie viewer - quite understandable: He feels shut down, invalidated, and mocked. And then, just to make it even worse, he is blamed.
This sort of situation happens to AS people all the time, so we can relate to this scene keenly. To an AS person, this type of NT response just confirms to them that people are not to be trusted and that opening up is the wrong thing to do. Quite often, the AS person is then expected to apologise for their behaviour, to which the AS person quite confidently feels "It won't happen again" - because they will never confide in that person again. Or anyone.
I want intimacy and I do crave it. However from my life experiences, it's always bit me in the ass.