How do I Accept Myself?

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An NT friend told me that I have a hard time accepting myself, and that I project that image onto other people. I suppose he's right. I have been a task master on myself my entire life, and even today, blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. External circumstances aren't ideal, but I've noticed I can never be happy, even when I think I have everything I want.

I am ready to go down the path of self acceptance. How do I get there? How have others gotten there?

I didn't get to where you are until about 10 years later than you. Reading Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi helped somewhat. It made me think about things from a different perspective.

Seems like your problem is perfectionism and maybe workaholism, not self-acceptance.

The key for me is not caring what others think.

Maybe there's a bit of that, although I have always been very sensitive to people calling me "lazy" or "spoiled." My grandfather grew up during the Depression, and while he never called us spoiled, it was the subtext of many of his interactions. So many people think my generation is a bunch of spoiled little children.

I very much relate to what you're saying. If we're not happy with ourselves, then other people aren't as likely to be happy when around us.

I am moving towards the journey to self-acceptance. I want to share some of the things that have worked for me, in case one helps you. I think the journey is different for everyone. I have no idea if any of this will be helpful and would love for you to share more about what in your life you have a hard time accepting.

1. Positive thinking. I didn't know how to think positively for a long time since I was hard on myself and my whole family is negative and cynical. You have a choice as to how you react to every situation. When you do something, you can choose to beat yourself up for not having done it well, or you can give yourself credit for a job well done, and identify minor things to do better next time. Learning to think positively eventually allowed me to feel more positive as well.

2. Healthy eating and exercise. (I am not consistently good at this). However, I notice that the better I feel physically, the more positive I feel about situations, myself, and others. The exercise was more of a factor in this then the diet.

3. I'm not sure if this is applicable to you, but I also found that finding a personal style for my clothes and hair that I loved also made me happier and more positive.

4. I completely agree with Pompei that self-acceptance is not caring what others think. I have a very critical mother, and it wasn't until recently that I felt brave enough to trust my own opinions and perceptions over her negative ones.

5. You said that you're sensitive to people calling you lazy or spoiled. Me too. My mother's favorite words for me are "selfish" and "inconsiderate." I used to constantly call myself selfish and inconsiderate so it wouldn't hurt when she did it, but doing that prevented me from ever accepting myself. Could you possibly be too hard on yourself as a way to protect yourself from outside criticism?

I recognise this too. I set sky-high standards for myself then fail to meet them because I've made them unrealistic. But I don't expect the same perfection from anyone else and more importantly, they don't expect it from me either. I do this to myself.

My parents were very pushy when I was growing up. 99% was never good enough for them. But they have calmed down since then and are nowadays incredibly supportive, and always tell me they are proud of me. Especially in the last few years where it's become very obvious how much I struggle in life.

It seems like as soon as my parents stopped (metaphorically, never literally) beating me, I started on myself. Why couldn't I just have enjoyed the peace and quiet instead?

Someone asked me recently "are you ever satisfied?" and I had to admit after not being able to answer the question that I didn't even understand what she meant by that.

Yeah I fall into the same trap.

For me I keep trying to make unrealistic tradeoff`s and I refuse to make benchmarks which allow for me to be ok with what I do.

So when I found out I had AS, well that`s ok I just need to stop having friends and focus super hard on academics. Of course I`have no benchmark, so I could conceivably be doing school work all the time.

I have a really low self-esteem so I am constantly criticising myself. I got viciously bullied in high school and despite the fact that it has now been nearly 10 years since the last day of high school, I still find myself calling myself a worthless ret*d (something they used to tell me). I know it's not true and I hate the 'r' word but I get so down on myself. When I do things wrong I beat myself physically and mentally. I often avoid doing things that I might fail at for whatever reason because I am scared of looking like an idiot.

I don't think anyone has ever said it to me, but I've always had this habit of trying to improve myself. Rarely have I ever felt content, even when I managed to accomplish my goals.

That road starts when you stop wondering where it is. Nowhere.

Personally I would just love yourself. Even if it means push.

Honestly it takes a lot of time. Myself, I've gone through periods of homelessness, manic depression, pseudo-schizofrenzies. I've still got lots of baggage. Things to keep in mind are how you can give back to others. For, once you've accepted and given to those around you, you will naturally fall into accepting yourself. I've found that you mustn't linger on thoughts. Instead you should mold and craft them like a fine clay, everyday. Then, when the moment and setting is correct you can blurt them out! Except, yourself you are you. Accept yourself. - FATHER TIME SPIDERJERUZ

You don't. And no one else has gotten there or not gotten there. Because "self acceptance" is a completely meaningless, totally broad, undefinable concept. Just figure out what specific things are making you unhappy and try to change them. Thinking of things in undefinable terms is a sure way to be miserable.

I'm just trying - whether I get there or not, I don't know - but I am trying.

I was a driven, highly self-critical, self-berating/perfectionist, with low self-esteem, however, I have managed to improve in some of these areas by gaining Self-Acceptance.

Self-acceptance is a journey, which I began over 20 years ago and I'm not yet quite finished, but I've come a long way!

I have invested a huge amount of time and energy, reflecting, writing and analysing myself and my life (plus, getting professional input from Counsellor and Psychologist).

The most significant growth in my Self-Acceptance came when I started to really understand myself and my life. This Self-Understanding came with my diagnosis of Asperger's. My Asperger's traits/impairments explained - my past (why/how I was involved in damaging situations/environments/relationships, plus, my behaviours in these), and also my other secondary conditions/disorders (that are interwined with, or, by-products of my Asperger's). So with my Self-Understanding came Self-Forgiveness, and thus, Self-Acceptance flowed from that. That's my journey.



Firstly, stop BLAMING yourself for EVERYTHING that goes WRONG in your life. "Blame" is very negative/critical so refrain from using it, instead, consider what you are "RESPONSIBLE" for.

Plus, you are probably not the only component in EVERYTHING that goes wrong in your life. (i.e. other external factors -people/environment/situation also play a part)

Furthermore, search out and focus on what is GOOD in your life and how you contributed to that, your input/qualities etc.



Maybe re-evaluate, what it is truly want?, what does make you happy? and then pursue these.

Lastly, try to view your life through a postive and non-judgemental lens.

Earlier in my 20ies i had no self esteem because of all the problems i always had. (Hard to find friends... - "Am I such monster, that noones wants to share time with me?" - "Why do I always act so freaky?" - "Why have all other people fun around here and I can only pretend to do so, so that I dont ruin the others day?" - and so on...) I pushed myself into work, because there i could be perfect. No eye contact, so social chitchat, but 100% correct work...and welcomed my burnout some years later. With a doctor we found out, that i´ve been so obsessed with my work, because that was a part of my life i felt to be the only one I was not always failing and wrong. The only part to give me self esteem and wehre other people did not critism me but tell me: "He, well done. This is perfect!"

My father was very harsh and had some problems on his own. The problem is, when you are a kid, you believe the world is as your parents tell you. Thats normal, even if your parents are crazy. Then you believe their crazy world sight.

My dad had big issues with his self esteem on his own. He is forced to act in front of others perfectly, so others refer to him as perfectly, and by telling him how perfect he seems to be, he is able to "allow himself" to feel self esteem, because the others tell him to be good, pushing away his own doubts about himself for some moments, allowing himself to feel happy.

Unfortunately, as my parent, he also felt himself responsible for my behaviour, making my mistakes his own, so making me responsible when he felt himself unhappy because of me being not perfect, but him being the unperfect fahter of the unperfect child. So every mistake was a HUGE catasrophy for him,, even things when other people just thought that it was a bit obscure but just funny, for him it was doomsday, because it was responsible that people did not tell him how perfect he was, so because of his illness, that meant for him he had to feel like s**t and i was responsible for him for himself feeling like useless s**t.

And when your parents tell you, that every mistake you make is the first step to world ending, is proof oy your uselessness and so on,you also believe that.

So we worked out, when i was older, in therapy, if all "the terrible mistakes" i do, responsible for myself having no self esteem beside my wiork, are really that terrible.

And i learned to see through my old, educated habbits, seeing every failure automatically as huge mistake gnagnagna... but to see it from a "Math side" if you want it.

Yeah, maybe i am doing many mistakes in social ways from now and then? And? Is someone hurted because of that? Is anyone affected in a negative way because of me hanging around at home, doing my hobbies? Is someone dying on cancer because of me reading Mickey Mouse comics with 33? ^^ Will someone suffer in hell because of myself often not sensing other people, while centered in my own thoughts, not greeting them, not making eye contact and so on? Too most people its just funny, so why bother of me if i am satans breed, because of such complete nonsense? ^^

Yes. I am absolutely NOT perfect. But there is nothing more about it. And not being perfect is nothing i have to be ashamed of. Being an as*hole, i would have to be ashamed about myself. But just being a normal person, making more or less normal mistakes... its absolutely ok. (And not the end of the world. ^^)

And mybe there are real bad mistakes you did. (Stealing, Cheating, beating other people....) Even in this case the worst thing you can do is hang around and suffer "Uiuiuiui ... i am such a bad person..." because hanging around crying changes nothing and means you dont really regret it, because then you would focus to change that, not on self suffering. So as long as you are a normal person, making pretty normal mistakes from time to time and really working on your really bad habbits, you are trying to live your life the most responsible way you can do.

Yes, i am not a party hero and all that. ^^ But i´m a good person, trying to live peacefully with others. Sure there are things, that i did wrong. But blaming me does not help a thing, thinking about how to make things better next time, does.