Living with my 28yr old Son is driving me crazy, help please

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This is my first post to this awesome website I have been stalking...lol
My 28yr old Son moved in with me a week ago as he was homeless and had no where else to go.
He is diagnosed with 'Paranoid Schizophrenia, Aspergers and ADD'.
I need need some help to deal with his flat moods and bad hygiene as I always have to remind him to shower and give him my clean clothes etc and feel I am always picking on him as I have another flatmate and he does not shower regularly.
Any advice would be much appreciated thanks )

He needs to feel like there's a reason for him to shower and take care of himself. As it stands now, he likely feels like there's little reason to even get up in the morning, let alone get ready for a day that will have nothing in it. So, something like, "Hey, go get a shower, then we'll _____" He may not care much for whatever the blank is, but it's something to focus on besides a meaningless statement like, "Because that's what people DO, they shower."

Flat moods = symptom of Schizophrenia [and sometimes AS]
Poor hygiene = possible symptom of both

He probably doesn't shower that much because it's too overwhelming/too much effort (without being coerced to have one). If he's capable, it's best to make it a routine, i.e., the same time each day after or before some other routine that's the same each day (such as a meal). You can't do anything for the flat moods (that's if it's the usual "flat effect" of Schizophrenia rather than depression); depression can be helped though.

Best to be understanding; he has some serious disabilities there, and he was homeless (because of them I'm betting). He probably feels a lot worst living with himself than you do with him.

Hi sacrip, thanks for the advice, you are right that it doesn't seem to register in his mind as he seems to live in his head and with his thoughts and always seems burdened and stressed with them that he can't concentrate on the mundane things in life like cleaning up and hygiene etc.

Hi,

In addition, keep what you say short and clear. You can be very direct and do not be ambiguous. If you say: you need a shower - well, he can probably agree with that, sure I need a shower - okay. You've stated a fact and nothing more needs to be done. It is far from saying: go have your shower. If you add a bunch of words and explanations,even in general conversation because that is how people seem to normally talk to each other, he will hear: blah, blah, blah. It gets confusing and it is hard to follow blah-blah-blah, keep track of what you are supposed to be doing, and actually carry it out. The pressure mounts because he is moving at the speed he needs to move, not yours, and this just adds more stress. This could lead to a shut down where he "just can't" or even irritability because you are giving him too much to process. I would set out towels and everything he needs handy by the tub. Watch to see which time of day he is most likely to comply and give him some sort of choice such as if he prefers 10 or 11. I would suggest you take a few deep breaths, nice, calm, and clear. And pick your battles. He is not doing this to be difficult, and it is reasonable for you to expect reasonable hygiene in your environment, too. But if it is a difficult day and he had a shower the day before, it might be worth saying: okay, tomorrow you have to have a shower. In this instance, you could hand him a warm wash cloth and say: wipe your hands and face. Don't try to talk to him when he is doing that and just say "thank you" or "handsome" when he is done. And, it is worth remembering that even if he is very intelligent, this is not a matter of "he knows better", this is a completely different matter of trying to process so much that people who don't have to deal with these issues can filter out. Best to both of you.

Hi Dillogic, I try to get him into a routine but he is always distracted but his obsessive thoughts about his hypochondria (thinks he's dying, which makes no sense to me), the mundane rituals of hygiene etc are trivial to him...if that makes sense.
I am OCD and very tidy and clean which is the opposite of him so there is a clash there.
He usually always looks and acts depressed pacing up and down and is very anxious which freaks my flatmates and friends out. I don't want to come across as cold or heartless because he is my son and I love him unconditionally, but I don't really have any support on how to deal with it cause it's not something you can talk openly about to people. So this website is a life saver

Hi Logicalmom, Yes you are right about keeping it short and clear, I learn't a while ago from his Mom and a shrink that instructions need to be like that for him to comprehend and understand.
I'm probably not the most patient person either as it's always been like that when he visits me. ie. turns up at my home walking from the city and only has one set of clothes so I have to give him my clean clothes and towels and have to spray out with air freshener to get rid of the bad odour. That stresses me out as I have my own problems too. He is very intelligent and very handsome at 6ft 5inches, he just doesn't have very good social skills and people always say he's very intense and deep because he doesn't make small talk, just straight into very deep stuff.

Is he getting any help?

Hi, Kokibro:

A further thought after I saw your last post. You said your son's belief he is dying doesn't make sense to you. It does make sense to him and there can well be logic that just does not translate. If he were able to articulate it in a sort of translation, there is often something recognizable at its core and he has interpreted it in this way. This brings me to what I love about my psychologist which might be helpful for you. He just says he doesn't understand when I try to tell him how I experience something, but he accepts it. No judgment, no bother. He just happily says: I don't know what that means, but that's okay. He uses it to talk to me in terms I understand, even if he doesn't fully understand the "why" behind my language. He doesn't have to agree with what I am saying, it is just matter of fact. This is very validating and such a relief. I'm interpreting the world and my experiences the best way I can. Same for your son. You might just say: that can't feel good. I wouldn't open a discussion about it. Short, simple, move on.

Hi thewhitrbbit, Yes he does have regular visits from 'Key Workers' (Mental Health Support Workers) and sees his Psychiatrist monthly. He is very naive and quite gullible so is usually taken advantage of. He has been in the mental health system since age 10 as was uncontrollable and was a very difficult child as we just thought he was a little brat and was not officially diagnosed with a mental disorder until he was in his teens sleeping in the the park and suffering from psychosis.

Logicalmom, Ok I kind of understand what your saying...sort of don't try to interpret it and diagnose it...just listen and shut up for a change haha. I'm stuck with being his friend and being his Dad/Psychiatrist...so this is is overwhelming and confusing and frustrating. Jeeze it must be sheer hell on him I can see it in his eyes. He always shouts me things and has a heart of gold, damn now I'm feeling like a right prick of a parent.

There is no way that a parent who seeks to understand in the way you do can be a "prick". Think of it as a cultural/language barrier and you are doing your best to learn. You are seeing the world through different paradigms is all. It won't be perfect and that is okay. I think a good piece of advice is to take care of yourself and this will help both of you. If he shouts, for example, leave the room and take some breaths. It is better you are not near him at that moment and you can both lower your energy. You don't need to take abusive behavior, either. Maybe there is a NAMI group or something of the like nearby? I know there is a psycho-educational course available for families and you could use some support.

Hypochondria isn't something that makes sense. Even when people are able to reality-check perfectly, that doesn't change their fear that they have a horrible disease or are dying, or whatever they happen to be afraid of. The anxiety is very, very real. His having to live with that is probably rather unpleasant.

In a way, it probably gives you experiences similar to his. OCD is very much related to anxiety and obsessive fears you know are unfounded but can't help thinking about anyway; his hypochondria is probably a lot like that to him. If you're dying, why does it matter if your hair is combed? And if you feel as afraid of dying as you would be if you actually were, you're not particularly likely to want to comb your hair.

Yeah, see, if I had my way about it, people would stop being freaked out. Schizophrenia is common. So's autism. Your flatmates have, unfortunately, been living their whole lives in a culture that's afraid of mental illness; so when they see him pacing, they don't just see a guy pacing; they see all those myths and stereotypes they've been fed--and chances are, they aren't even aware of it. It shouldn't be shameful and it shouldn't have to distance you and your son from the rest of the world, but unfortunately it does. I wish it were different.

It is probably hard for him to remember to take showers, and you probably will have to remind him every day. He probably has some pretty bad executive dysfunction. You don't want to be nagging him, just reminding him. It's a daily routine on your part, hopefully establishing a daily routine for him.

As for finding help: There are respite programs and caregiver assistance out there. Since you are living with a son who has schizophrenia and autism, you will probably qualify for those things. Perhaps he could even have an aide, so that you could spend less time reminding him to do things and more time actually doing the things you'd normally do together; or, if he's not up for that, at least not have to grow annoyed with each other because you're having to ask him to do things that are unpleasant for him.

maybe you could ask him to shower at a particular time each morning so that it becomes one of his routines.

I have a hard time remembering to shower too. It's hard to know what to do in a situation like this. For some people being told or reminded to might offend them or it they might be ok with it or they might just ignore it.

I know I wouldn't like being told or reminded about showering but then there are some things I don't mind being told or reminded about like taking my pills (I had surgery 5 weeks ago and sometimes I forget). I'm hoping to shower today as I'm almost up to 2 weeks without a shower. If not today I surely will tomorrow because I have a doctor appointment. For me not taking showers is a combination of things like not caring, being too tired, not feeling dirty as fast as some people, too much to do to do it (like take the rack out of the tub, get undressed, put my hair up), and it being an unpleasant experience if the bathroom is a bit chilly or I can't get the water adjusted quite right.

I don't go out much and prefer to shower before leaving the house but there are times that I don't bother because the more I have to do before I leave the house the more time I have to change my mind about going out and just stay home.

Write up a schedule of daily chores he need to perform while living there. Put it somewhere he can see it every day and check off the things he finished. Add: "Take shower" to the list of daily duties.