Forcing socialization on young adults with Asperger's?

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I have a cousin with Asperger's and his parents are trying to push him to socialize more. They are encouraging him to go to a community center of sorts for high functioning autistic young adults like himself and try to socialize. He wants absolutely nothing to do with it. He only hangs out with a few members of his family and has no friends. He just wants to be by himself, watch movies, play on his computer, and listen to music.

Is it wrong to push him to socialize? Do you think that NT's do this because it is what they think is normal and that people with Asperger's should act more normal? Should you just let an Aspie stay in their bubble or should you try to push them out and get them to try new things?

I don't think it's such a bad idea. Especially since he would be socializing with other Auties. It's tricky, though. If you force it too much, it will end in failure and then the situation could become worse. I would try to get him to go to at least one meeting and then, if he still doesn't like it, I wouldn't push the issue.

Well, it depends on what the person with AS wants. If they desire friendships and are feeling lonely and isolated, then by all means help them out by sending them to try out some social activities with other high-functioning people on the spectrum like themselves. But if they are happy with having no friends and you know they are happy about it, then it's best to leave them be.

Last edited by Joe90 on 03 Jan 2013, 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think we should take into account the age of the cousin in the OP, which is not stated, and I don't want to infer too much from the language used.

I think a lot of patience and gentle encouragement is a good strategy. If I am pushed, I am a wreck. It takes me a while to get used to the idea. Even if people don't hear or see me considering the idea, I usually am thinking about it. But to push me - and this is personal experience - it will really wear me out - and I agree, if it goes wrong before I have made myself ready to deal with that possibility - yikes!! Don't expect me to do it again, not anytime soon. And if you force me to go, then I have to recover - it is very disruptive ... no, it's not good to do it that way - in my opinion.

It may be a good idea to offer a deal like: if you go to this for ten minutes and just look around the room, we will go to "whatever sort of thing you enjoy - game store" - baby steps and reward might help. But I would be so overwhelmed from pushing and bugging that I couldn't process - and maybe it wouldn't seem to NT's like they are over-doing it, but less that is said, the better or I will be trying to deal with all that is said and the whole idea - and worry about being judged and people mad at me and all sorts of extra stuff. So, maybe offer the short trip with a reward ... and don' t talk to much about it. If you give me an idea and say it again 15 minutes later - I KNOW - I am really going to dig in.

Or - here's a thought - ask him[/b] what kind of a deal he would like to make for a reward if he considers going - make it all about choices and let him sit with it. Give him lots of time - if he says - next week, leave it alone until next week, ask him if you can remind him next week, and then follow through that he agreed for you to ask and that he would try it at this time. I would find that reasonable, although I might decide not to go, but I can process it and I will begin to relax.

People who do nothing but sit in their room get depressed, so it's easy to see why the parents are concerned. Remember there is a huge difference between encouraging a person to socialize and "forcing" a person to socialize. He may not like it now, but he'll start to realize the more rewarding aspects of socializing if he gets more experience. I used to be like that when I was a teenager. Even now I'm still learning how to create a healthy balance between "alone time" and socializing.

It's not that simple though. Sometimes people without friends convince themselves that they don't want any anyway. If you come to the conclusion that you don't need friends, then you no longer have to put up with painful rejection and embarrassment, as well as the ensuing loneliness.

Given that your cousin is an adult his parents shouldn't force him. Suggesting things, pushing him to try them and inquiring why he is hesitant is the way to go. He's an adult after all, and neither having AS nor being dependent on his parents should give them any right to dictate what he does outside of their house.

If he was an NT would they still be pushing him to do things like this?
Its a fairly standard thing for NT's to want to socialise, and to make other ppl socialise too apparently.
Would it make him happier?
Will it help him get a job if he wants one?
Is he high functioning enough to be able to cope with this?

These are all sorts of questions that should be answered i think.

NT's encourage this type of socialization attempt because they are afraid that their aspie loved one will always be alone and lonely. If they can meet with other people like them, or that have the same interests, there's a chance that at least ONE person there will hopefully be a comfortable potential friend.

I definitely think that there are social aspies and less social aspies. I've known people who really, honestly just want to be by themselves. I don't think that's a particularly healthy way to go -- since you can't work by yourself, usually, and if you need anything, you have no one to turn to -- but there's not much to be done for this type of aspie. I don't think pushing them to try a social event will work, and if they are truly happy being alone, then who are we to push them to socialize.

But then there are the social aspires. My son seems to fall into this category. He is not inclined to EVER invite anybody over, BUT, when we have people over, or he is at school, he is social. He is happy. He would probably at least "try" a social event with other aspies, and would probably do fine. He went to a church summer camp this last summer, and it was HIS idea (not ours, as his parents) and he stayed in a dorm with people he didn't know previously -- and had a wonderful time. I was AMAZED. I'm thinking that he may just flourish when he goes to college in a couple of years.

Sometimes trying these new social things can work out well.

OP said "young adult", so I can't assume that the cousin in question is in fact over the age of majority (through they appear to be from the context).

Realistically, does living with someone's parents outside of an enforcable lease agreement at least grant the parents some ability to direct activity? I'm not arguing that parent's have a legal right to "dictate" activities outside the house, but I think we have to recognize that this is a situation where there might be different circumstances.

I interpreted "young adult" as being over the age of majority but not by much. Is that interpretation not correct?


It's reasonable to demand some form of contribution to the housekeeping and if he works to pay part of it as rent. Using his financial dependence on them as leverage to coerce him to live his life the way they want him to is wrong though, and while they can do so, they shouldn't.
From the moment he is an adult he and his parents are no different than any other group of people living in one house, with the exception of having the history of parenting him, which should give them some major persuasion power based on having been good parents for 18 years, assuming they have been. If they feel that because they pay his upkeep they own him, they should set up a contract because he'd be working for them. If not, everything is a negotiation between equals.

That's my view on it anyway, and I only have experience with it from the child's perspective. I'd like to know the opinion of older members who have experienced it from both perspectives.

I have mixed feelings about forced socialization. I was forced to socialize when I was younger pretty frequently, and absolutely hated it. It did nothing really to help me out, partially because my heart wasn't in it, I was constantly thinking "when will this end?". But in retrospect, I almost wish that I had been forced to socialize more, although perhaps in a different way, just because it would have been so nice if I could have started working on my social issues sooner than I have. For me I really didn't start actually working on my social problems until I was almost 17, and by then I had already missed out on so much and was so far behind my peers that it made it difficult to get up to speed, so to speak.

So I think that it does have the potential to help out, but only if done properly, in my case it wasn't.

I have a nephew also on the spectrum and started to offer to take him to my adult aspergers group events-at first he was apprehensive at going but as time went on he started to ask if anything was planned and wants to go-it may take time but my nephew was a home body and would play his games and play on the computer but now he is getting out a little more and his mother sees a change in him and his outlook. A person on the spectrum is going to do things in their own time and I am no different-others on the spectrum will say they do not have a problem with socializing and seem to put down those who do and I never understood that-everyone is different.

Sounds like heaven to me.

Forced socialization sounds like hell to me.

And me.
The last time I was forced to socialise I ended up hurting myself.