anyone else feel like they need to be reassured a lot?

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zethra09
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09 Jan 2013, 12:36 pm

I feel like I frequently need to be told I'm doing a good job or that I'm still loved or that I'm a good person. I swear it feels like my world is collapsing when I get something wrong.



morslilleole
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09 Jan 2013, 12:38 pm

I think this is something that gets better with time as you get more confidence in yourself, at least that was the case for me. Try to stop worrying so much, you are doing a lot better than you think you are ; )



AnOldHFA
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09 Jan 2013, 2:33 pm

Yes, I need to be reassured a lot.
Most likely because I can't read body language at all and face expressions is poor. I feel because I am blind to "normal" communication and I feel like others do not follow retinues, that what others expect is consistently changing. The reassurance helps me keep away from" presuming" I'm correct.

I really do not like making mistakes and lots of reassurance is also needed for this too.

I am also insecure, and again I need reassurance.

With work, I can get away from needing reassurance if I have very detailed notes on the work I am doing.

This is just the way I am, after being this way so long, I accept it. It seems to work, although some do get annoyed, I tell them "I am a perfectionist" and most seem to understand.



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09 Jan 2013, 2:40 pm

No. The absolute opposite.
If someone seeks to reassure me of something I immediately suspect ulterior motive, patronisation or veiled sarcasm. I tend to become increasingly hostile if someone tries to compliment me for whatever reason, as I KNOW they're putting me on at that stage.
I tend to be far more accepting of the merest acknowledgement that something has been done... then moving on to whatever comes next.... though criticism would do in a pinch.



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09 Jan 2013, 2:46 pm

I like to be reassured a lot too. I too like it when people exaggerate in what they say to try and make the issue sound not as bad as it really is. Well, not if it's too obvious or if I can easily prove that they were exaggerating. And I do hate hearing those same cliche advice too, like ''maybe people stare at you because you're attractive'' or ''if your friends get upset when you say 'no', then they weren't friends in the first place''. I know these are no good to me because it's not always as simple as that. People stare at me because I'm weird, and just because a friend has got the hump with me over me saying no, doesn't mean they are nasty people who shouldn't be my friend.


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CyclopsSummers
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09 Jan 2013, 2:51 pm

Yes, zethra and OldHFA, I can co-sign what you're saying. I, too, feel quite a need to be reassured often. I like to receive compliments, and I worry when there is no positive feedback at all. Criticism, if not phrased with some care, can have a very, very negative effect on me. On the other hand, a single nice, sincere compliment can lift me right up into 7th heaven. I'm actually rather sensitive that way.


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btbnnyr
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09 Jan 2013, 3:09 pm

I don't need much reassurance from others.



Magnanimous
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09 Jan 2013, 3:11 pm

btbnnyr wrote:
I don't need much reassurance from others.

... Thank f**k for that. I'm not totally surrounded by the dependants.



Chrissylee
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09 Jan 2013, 3:17 pm

I do need a lot of reassurance as well. If I do anything I feel it has to be perfect and I need to know I did it good or I will feel that I didn't do my best and it should be done again. It gets very frustrating because even when I feel that I've done something wonderful I still have that self doubt and need the reassurance. It hasn't been a hinder to my work because most of my work is very detailed and I know that it has to done to the best of its description and sometimes even then I have to ask more than once if the work was done well and sometimes but not to offer I will refuse to turn in a project until I feel it was done great. I've driven my husband crazy before we came to realize that I may have aspergers with constantly having to ask if everything was ok. Even with the knowledge my brain still asks for the reassurance but now I at least know that I can recognize when to stop and accept things a little better.



zethra09
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09 Jan 2013, 3:34 pm

I know I irritate my girlfriend when I have to ask "what's wrong" all the time, even when nothing is wrong. Granted she has to ask the same thing of me because my facial expression are always inappropriate (inside I'm confused or just thinking but it shows as anger or frustration). At work nobody has any reservations about giving me a hard time, but it's like pulling teeth to get even a tiny complement. Just a simple complement like "good job" makes my day.



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09 Jan 2013, 3:42 pm

zethra09 wrote:
I know I irritate my girlfriend when I have to ask "what's wrong" all the time, even when nothing is wrong. Granted she has to ask the same thing of me because my facial expression are always inappropriate (inside I'm confused or just thinking but it shows as anger or frustration). At work nobody has any reservations about giving me a hard time, but it's like pulling teeth to get even a tiny complement. Just a simple complement like "good job" makes my day.


At one of my previous jobs at a factory, there was this attitude among the floor management that there is no 'positive', there is only 'neutral' and 'negative'. This meant that, if you did something wrong, you'd get chewed out for it, and pretty harshly, I might add. If you did something right, it would just be normal- which is fair enough, considering that's what you were there for as a factory worker- and the primary reward was the money. BUT if you pulled an exceptional effort, or you saw something the floor management didn't see, some error that slipped in, or if you introduced an improved method of working, it was not rewarded with a compliment, it was just acknowledged (sometimes GRUDGINGLY) and they'd move on. I found that incredibly frustrating. I mean, I was not fishing for compliments, but I had a severe distaste for having to work somewhere where your work was viewed as either negative or neutral, meaning that the only assessment of value you'd ever receive as a worker was 'negative'.


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morslilleole
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09 Jan 2013, 3:47 pm

CyclopsSummers wrote:
zethra09 wrote:
I know I irritate my girlfriend when I have to ask "what's wrong" all the time, even when nothing is wrong. Granted she has to ask the same thing of me because my facial expression are always inappropriate (inside I'm confused or just thinking but it shows as anger or frustration). At work nobody has any reservations about giving me a hard time, but it's like pulling teeth to get even a tiny complement. Just a simple complement like "good job" makes my day.


At one of my previous jobs at a factory, there was this attitude among the floor management that there is no 'positive', there is only 'neutral' and 'negative'. This meant that, if you did something wrong, you'd get chewed out for it, and pretty harshly, I might add. If you did something right, it would just be normal- which is fair enough, considering that's what you were there for as a factory worker- and the primary reward was the money. BUT if you pulled an exceptional effort, or you saw something the floor management didn't see, some error that slipped in, or if you introduced an improved method of working, it was not rewarded with a compliment, it was just acknowledged (sometimes GRUDGINGLY) and they'd move on. I found that incredibly frustrating. I mean, I was not fishing for compliments, but I had a severe distaste for having to work somewhere where your work was viewed as either negative or neutral, meaning that the only assessment of value you'd ever receive as a worker was 'negative'.


That seems like a very bad place to work. I also imagine they would not get a lot out of their employees compared to if they actually treated them like humans. I think it is very important for employers to give compliments when someone has worked hard or done something really good. Unfortunately, a lot of employers are really bad at this...



CyclopsSummers
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09 Jan 2013, 4:03 pm

morslilleole wrote:
That seems like a very bad place to work. I also imagine they would not get a lot out of their employees compared to if they actually treated them like humans. I think it is very important for employers to give compliments when someone has worked hard or done something really good. Unfortunately, a lot of employers are really bad at this...


The funny thing is, all things considered, it was not quite so bad a place. I shared a camaraderie with a couple of co-workers, there was some room to make a bit of fun with each other, and the lack of positive feedback was made up for by the fact that you'd get to see results of working overtime on your bank account at the end of the month.
A great negative was that a lot of employers were working their spines and hips and knees to powder with the repetitive movements, that they'd skip breaks just to reel in more job points, and that there was always an atmosphere of pressure to 'work harder than the previous year'. So yeah, a little bit askew, but certainly not an impossible job.


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CocoNuts
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09 Jan 2013, 4:55 pm

It depends very much on the situation.
If it's about relationships yes, I do like to be reassured that I am a good girlfriend/sister/friend/daughter (even though the last two don't happen very often). I also sometimes enjoy receiving compliments, even though I tend to get embarassed by them.
If it's about something that is worrying me, though, I hate to be reassured. I have to tell people around me over and over again to stop saying things like "Don't worry, your exam will surely go well", "Don't worry, you'll surely get into Cambridge", "Don't worry, it's surely just a mole" because they can't possibly know any of these things and all that matters are statistics, not what I hope. Maybe it will go well, maybe it won't, there's no way to say for sure beforehand and it drives me crazy when people say that. I know they're just trying to be nice but it's so irrational!


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plant14
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09 Jan 2013, 5:08 pm

I have this too.
Can be explained with insecure attachment (research attachment styles) or OCD (in some types, you need a lot of reassurance).

Trauma processing and gradually feeling safer helps.



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09 Jan 2013, 11:25 pm

I do need to be reassured a lot....I need reassurance that I am loved, that I'm doing things "right," and that I'm being "appropriate." This gets even worse when I'm at home....there's something about my stepmother that makes one feel the need to walk on eggshells. :(

My problem is that no matter how reassured I am, it's never enough....I'm always insecure and unsure of what to do next.


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