'Did I always do that??'

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This thread may be geared more toward those who were diagnosed with/realized they may have an ASD as an adult... I realized I may have AS back in April 2012, and periodically I'll catch myself doing something that is clearly an autistic trait and wonder if I had always done that. An example: I sometimes catch myself banging my head against the couch cushions or a pillow--or sometimes even a wall (I don't do it hard enough to hurt myself--just hard enough to tap my head against a surface). It's not something I ever do consciously--it just...happens without me even realizing it. In that particular case, I think it might just be a heightened awareness, because the motion "feels" familiar.

Anyone else experience this sort of thing?

Yes. It's one of the reasons I'm so incredibly worried about "faking". I would never intentionally "fake" symptoms and most things are probably just heightened awareness but it's a great source of worry for me.

I think the part I have the most difficulty coming to terms with is the whole inconsistency of it all. There are days where I wonder how I ever thought I could be autistic, followed by days where I wonder why I ever doubt having AS.

I've wondered it myself. I noticed at age 14 I didn't do eye contact and I thought if it was something new. But I look back and I can remember "Look at me" and talking to a duty lady when I was seven and I was looking at the field and all. I look at her face and then look away. I also read in my IEP records that I avoid eye contact. Even when I was two I would look around when my parents would speak to me so they had to hold a favorite toy of mine up to their faces. I also wonder if I have always rocked back and forth. I noticed it at 13 I was doing it. I didn't even know anything about autism then nor knew what AS was so no way I could be faking it. Mom told me I have always thrown things when I asked her about it. I first noticed it in 6th grade and thought it was something new I was doing. But she told me I had always done it. I failed to ask her how long have I done it for, what age did I start. She also told me I have always gotten obsessed and I asked her "even in my early childhood" and her response was no. I should ask her to be specific when she says I have always done this or that.

I have also had bad moments in my life where I thought everyone was lying because I was being so literal but I don't remember thinking people were lying to me when they be wrong about something or misinform me when I was little and I went through a time where I couldn't handle lot of people being over at my house but as a child it didn't bother me, then I have been through a period where I couldn't stand any sounds from my brothers but it didn't bother me when they were little. I don't think I was faking these but I wonder was it really AS?

I have no idea how long I've been twirling my hair. I remember braiding it obsessively when I was 10, but just twirling it? No clue. I do know I wasn't doing it at age 5, because my hair was too short for that then.

There have been times when i have hit myself in the head repeatedly or banged by head into the wall repeatedly in the past.
However these were times i was aware of what i was doing and i was also severely overloaded stressed and or angry/upset.

If you are not aware that you are banging your head, how do you know it's not hard enough to hurt you?

For the most part i have stopped hitting my head and my gf was a big help with this. People were getting concerned for my head, and it can be dangerous.

If you catch yourself banging your head, try to stop from actually hitting your head, it can be dangerous. Boxers get messed up from a lot of head injury.

If you are aware of what you are doing, try to find another behavior that won't hurt you to do instead. Replace behavior with different behavior. It's harder than it sounds, yet it can be done. Try to just punch the pillow, that way your head won't take a beating.

Yeah, it has been strange finding out about these behaviours that I had not properly acknowledged before. My big 'oh s**t' moment was shortly after first suspecting AS. I was researching the common traits and was thinking "rocking back and forth and talking to yourself? Nah, I'm not that nuts!" ...I then froze as I realised I was rocking and verbalising my thoughts aloud as I was thinking that. I must have gone white as a sheet.

My mother tells me I have always rocked and I really do talk to myself a lot but hide it well. There has been a lot of stuff like that. Facial tics were another one; I have always had ticks but they have always been there and just felt natural so I somehow never once saw them as tics. They, like so many other traits, were always just seen as just my own weirdness that I just learned to conceal as best as I could.

I haven't considered this just based on memory, but when I look at photographs of myself as I child I notice things. Eccentricities that I wasn't aware of at the time. My mom emailed me a photo recently of myself and my three older siblings on a vacation somewhere. I note in the photo that my feet are placed exactly together side by side. Everyone else is standing in casual stance, legs shoulder width apart and rotated a bit one way or the other. And there is me, standing symmetrical and straight as a stone column.

Little things like that.

When I was little I used to rock back and forth in my chair, I also used to get scared easily now I don't do those things but I do talk to myself "Thinking out loud" i call it I think it helps me concentrate more when I do that.
Mum looked at photos of me when I was a child and she said its more noticeable if there was a photo of me on my own when I was with someone else it didn't show.