argument with my coworker (over my lack of talking)

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I come into work through the breakroom and one of my coworkers is in there. A few seconds later she's like "Hello. How come you don't speak?" She's been on the job for months so she knows me well enough but the question still caught me off-guard since this is the first thing I hear her say the moment I come into the building.

But you got to understand something. I have been asked this question so many times since I started this job over a year ago in various forms (Why do you never talk?/Why are you so quiet?/Are you always this quiet?) that the more I've been asked about it, the angrier I get. Bad enough I have to deal with this kind of crap my entire life prior to the job. So anyway, being mad as I was about being asked The Quiet Question for the bajillionth time, I told her how irritated I was with her for asking that. And she gets mad at me saying it's not rude to point out if I am being rude. I argue with her that it is. And she says "well that's on you!"

I really don't get it. Did she get THAT offended by the fact that I didn't say anything the moment I came into the building? I normally don't say "hi" to people until they say "hi" to me first. I am 99% certain that she did not say anything when I first came in or otherwise I would've said something back. But I cannot believe that my quietness is now considered rude to people (when in the past it was something for them to make jokes in my face for). I hadn't even been in the building for a whole minute before she gets on me for this.

It's not the first time I've dealt with socially needy people like this. A bus driver got on me for not saying "hi" to him when I boarded the bus even though it was obvious that I was boarding the bus to leave work early due to sickness. (I was barely able to stand up when I got on.) My tolerance for NTs is waning when people like this come into the picture.

It's funny, we are the same age and same scenerio; I worked with all women for over a year and then the boss (a female and practically my own age) asked that I go around and make conversation with the women because it would make them more comfortable. I reported her to her boss. In the end not much changed and I ended up on short term leave. True Story!! !

I was practically speechless at some of the jobs I've had. There was a reason, though: I had nothing in common with anyone. In the break rooms they talked about sports (not interested), cars (not interested), their children (not interested), mortgages & home financing (not interested), females (not interested), TV shows (not interested) and sometimes the job itself (definitely not interested).

Ugh! Yes, that really drives me crazy. The questions that goes through my head when someone says "hi, how are you doing?". I hate that question... no... I LOATHE that question. How is my response negative or positive going to have any bearing on their life? Is the only reason the person asking this question to me a means so they can reciprocate and tell me things that are going on in their life to make themselves feel better in some way? And honestly, I don't know how I am feeling most of the time anyway, but people cant accept it if you answer the question "I don't know how I am".

I think that in the OP's case she's just an ignorant b$$$h. You have no obligation to be friendly to or even to greet your colleagues. Taking your quietness as "rude" is only her perception. She shouldn't try to force her idea on you. She has an issue. She's not worth thinking about. Just ignore her and don't even greet her back from now on.

Is this some kind of sexism? A man who doesn't talk much is seen as creepy and scary? Or that has nothing to do with your gender? That's unbelievable. You have no obligation to make your female colleagues comfortable if they are perceiving you wrongly. It's their problem.

I noticed at my workplace a person who is extremely quiet but is capable of communicating efficiently (about work issues) when necessary is treated with respect, but a person who is extremely quiet and is not a good communicator gets treated with not much respect even though he is a good person.

I think it's a combination of aggresssion/friendliness, which is tricky business indeed.

Maybe someone has a good idea of a potential deflecting statement.

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And where are these much-vaulted NT social skills we hear so much about?

I feel like that there is some "expected protocol" that everyone has to adhere to when there are others around at most workplaces.

What I mean by "expected protocol" is doing some things that seem a little unnatural or fake. However, if you don't do these things, people will see you as odd, and depending on who you work with, it may impact their evaluation of you as a worker: even though this has nothing to do with the quality of your work.

The expected protocol involves greeting someone when you see them or they see you and doing the brief "how are you" (the answer is always "good" or "fine", then you ask the other person). I often do this "social dance" automatically and without much thought, and I suspect that other NTs do the same. That's all that's necessary in most cases: if you're lingering around for a bit, you'll be expected to make small talk.

Some people also have the idea that quiet or unresponsive people are just very shy and need to open up. The people who state "you're so quiet" do so because your behavior is unexpected, and they are trying to figure you out in a curious and friendly way. They think that once they give you a starting point, you'll be able to talk to them.

In either case, I think that the OPs argument with the coworker was unnecessary as it seemed to be like a friendly attempt to get to know them. While yes, this does seem irritating if you are constantly faced with this statement, the person who was trying to engage the OP just wanted a friendly chat and was surprised and offended when the OP displayed a lot of emotion. Another component of social protocol at work is to not bring up anything involving strong emotion with others you see at work and to keep things on a positive and friendly level. It's highly likely that the person the OP dealt with probably has a negative view of them now and will avoid interaction with them in the future. A better way to handle the situation is to be modest, and even if you don't feel this way, to agree with the person: "Yeah, I am pretty quiet, don't you think?" Again, fake, I know, but you have to keep things positive: there are repercussions if you don't.

A good deflective anwser that has served me well is simply "I don't know" I can even get this out normally in a non-verbal state, it can buy time until I can come up with a better anwser. Better then getting aggresive anyway and that is often times the only other reaction available.

I just say, "Ive got a very small speech centre", and hold up my hand indicating something the size of a pea between my index finger and thumb, whilst smiling at the same time..

This demonstrates friendlyness, shows them Iam not shy, probably the only thing they can figure out from this is that I have indeed got a very small sppech centre.

Noting wrong with this if you are a man, strong silent type.

This exactly, to a tee. I've said this before, but the co-workers I have my breaks with these days tend to limit conversation to complaining about life and the state of the world (minor things, really), and gossiping about other people.
With a lot of male co-workers I've experienced the 'typical male topics' including sports and women, the latter topic usually including very coarse language and general disrespect, so when that happened I also zoned out. Took a book with me to read during the breaks, because I honestly preferred the company of an intelligent author to that of an unintelligent co-worker.



I think this is true as well. However, when someone has already been established as being the silent type who prefers to keep to themselves, then that should also be respected by the other co-workers who are more talkative or outgoing if the OP is otherwise a good employee. But I agree that how you come across to your other co-workers is important, and that you should take heed that you don't appear rude to someone else; if you do, you can always explain. I've been in situations where I ended up explaining as well as apologising that I'm always so quiet, shy, or aloof, and some co-workers have been understanding of this, while others just interpret it as an excuse and sustain their dislike of me. In that case, it can't be helped, really. I'll just do my job and expect to be judged upon my merits as an employee.

She was not right to assume you were rude for being quiet, it sounds like she felt uncomfortable and then overreacted because her efforts didn't turn out the way she wanted. That's a reflection on her not you. Unfortunately the majority of NTs don't seem able to understand that not everyone wants to engage in social chit-chat and meaningless talking. Maybe she was also attracted to you and took it as a rebuff which made her feel unattractive.

It's a difficult situation, because if your colleagues decide not to like you, they could make your work life difficult. I've had experience of NT colleagues doing underhand things to my work to make me look bad. And if they all bad mouth you to the boss enough the boss could decide not to like you and then you can potentially end up stuffed, because they are the one who does your work appraisals, agrees leave, doles out tasks etc.

If any other colleagues say something similar to you again, just reply that you are "just a quiet person, nothing personal", and leave it at that. You shouldn't have to compromise yourself because they can't handle it. They are being highly insensitive, what if you were suffering a trauma or had an oral impairment that made speech harder for you, or a stutter, and they were pushing you to speak. I thought they were supposed have empathy by the barrel load. It's having to be fake and maintaining a social mask that ends up causing huge psychological distress after years of doing it, increasing depression and anxiety.

The social norm is to be open in communication with coworkers and establish rapport. To do otherwise is potentially detrimental to your employment. It is expected, and your coworker has not done anything wrong by questioning you.

Generally speaking, getting mad at anyone for asking a question, especially in a work environment, will reflect incredibly poor on you. You will in turn upset the other party, and there is often consequences to this. Especially if it happens frequently or to the wrong individual.

All they are doing is querying you for information. So long as you have failed to preemptively offer this information, they do not have other means to know this information. They then ask you for the information... and you get mad at them? Not an acceptable response in any social setting. And have no illusions, a work environment is almost always a social setting.

Never get upset when people ask for information. This is a perfectly natural and innocent action. it doesn't really matter how many other people have asked, this specific individual hasn't. They are not responsible for the last person asking you, or the last hundred people asking you. They only just asked you once, so get over it. Do not project onto this one person past experiences or frustrations, that is also unacceptable in a social environment.

Now that I've finished that little tirade... I'm being intentionally blunt so that it is perfectly clear who's response was an appropriate one. (Ie not yours)

What is funny, is that most people who ask this sort of question are doing it as a friendly gesture to attempt to open up a line of communication with you in the first place. It is very forward of a move, but none the less an attempt at establishing rapport. Rejecting this olive branch they're extending in the manner you did is a double insult. Not only was it innocent, their first time asking... but also a friendly gesture, and you respond in anger? Unacceptable in a social environment.

Far more effective responses are easy enough to develop. "I don't have much to say" "I'm sorta shy" "I get caught up in my own thoughts" "I'm not too fond of small talk" "I only really say anything if I feel its really important" etc etc. Some people can be humorous, others drier... either way, if you respond with a smile and a casual tone, it will probably be accepted and everyone can go about their business as usual.



Cyclops,

People should not be expected to figure out in advance if someone at work is a loner and prefers to avoid all human contact. There is no respecting that preference. If you are working in/with/around other people you are putting yourself in a social setting, and all that that entails. Including the need to communicate. Getting mad at people for trying to talk to you isn't going to win you any favors, it will only lose you jobs. Stop expecting people to read your mind and automatically assume you would prefer to remain silent, they can't and they don't. And once you stop assuming people should automatically know your preferences, maybe you will start finding it easier to forgive them for the occasional trespass. And just maybe you will find you don't even get mad about it at all anymore.

One of the merits employees potentially should have is the ability to be a member of a team. Even if you work primarily independently, how well you interact with others routinely is going to enter into the evaluation equation. We naturally suffer deficiencies here, but getting defensive or angry or hostile about it further compounds it, potentially making us an undesired employee... and then to the street we go.



Edit. Oh and OP, to answer one of your questions directly. She got mad because you said "you were irritated by her". That is justifiable cause for anyone to get upset. Moreso given the specific situation described. No great mystery involved.

Your example with the bus driver indicates your primary issue is that you believe people should automatically know your current mental and physical status automatically and wordlessly. People are a lot less observant than you give them credit for. You really do have to tell them stuff like that, they are generally not capable of figuring it out on their own. Getting mad about people not being psychic and trying to talk to you... yeah, generally a pretty significant disconnect from reality there.

What ifs...

Your logic here is based on "what ifs..."

How are they being insensitive??

Because what if...


Ok. Let's test that logic.

What if you get clinically depressed and sucidal if some DOESN'T ask you why you're quiet every day?

What if you feel like no one cars or notices you, and all it would take to make you more comfortable was if some tried to make contact and talk to you... but no one does, ever, because it is considered "insensitive" of them to ever approach you and talk to you.

What if a girl thinks you're sorta cute and decides to try to get to know you better, notices you're prety quiet and decides she'll man up and make the first move. So as an ice-breaker she starts with "Hi. Why are you always so quiet?" And you flip out at her and generally make yourself look insane. Ruining not only a potential friendship, but maybe something more, all while earning ourself a reputation for being sporatically irritable and unfriendly.

Hmm, what if?

I thought us aspies were supposed to have logic and rationality by the barrel load. If you start making value judgements on what other people do, based on hypothetical possibilities that you KNOW are not true, then necessarily EVERY action they take is the wrong action, and the right action, simultaniously... because what if you are corect to do X, but what if you are not correct to do X.

Looks to me this fails our logic test.

What if... we just answer these kinds of questions nicely and honestly, without irrationally getting angry... and then go about our day?

Do they really need to know why I am so quiet? Why can't they just engage me in a conversation instead of questioning me for having a personal flaw? It would be a better way to get the answers they need. I don't go up to people asking them about their flaws or making jokes about them because I know that's rude. So why is my quietness being treated as the exception to the rule?

I sometimes think such people assume quiet people not talking them conveys an unspoken message that you consider them uninteresting. It bruises their fragile Egos.

Oh, I'm not mad. Perhaps a little peeved, but certainly not mad.

I understand what you're trying to say here, but see, the thing is: communication between co-workers is a two-way stream. I know that I must make compromises, and I AM making compromises. Can't I then expect the same courtesy from the other party?
By default, I am always open to anything a co-worker has to say to me, as long as they say it in a respectful way. But I have experienced in the past that more than a few co-workers will outright dismiss me when they figure out that I'm a bit unusual in terms of interests and hobbies. It is they who close themselves off from me, and as a consequence, there is not much I can do to salvage any relations that exist between us beyond the purely professional level (which is sufficient for me, and I don't see why it shouldn't be sufficient for them).
I will make compromises, but I certainly won't bend over backwards just to suit their tastes.

So I appreciate the gesture, Narcissus, but I'm not seeking your advice on this matter.