How Did You Get Married?

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I read somewhere something like, "almost by definition a person with Aspergers will never form close friendships, pursue a relationship, will never get married".

Probably a bunk statement in general. But certainly seems to pertain to me.

I'm always a little taken aback when someone here, who seems to have pretty solid Aspergers, mentions their spouse.

So, how did it happen? How did you manage to get married?

Well I've been married twice, once for about a year or so and the second time for 26 years so far. Which time do you want to know about? Do you mean why would somebody ever want to marry me because I have AS? Mine is mild and I worked very hard and learned to hide my weirdness and problems. Back then nobody had heard of AS, we were just "weird".

Both times I met a guy, we were attracted to each other, we dated. We dated more and more frequently and when it became obvious to us both that it was headed toward marriage, he gave me a formal proposal, I said yes, then got busy planning the wedding(s).

That's how.

I was wondering about the same thing, too. There seem to be quite a few people who are married and/or who have children here on WP. I wonder how they managed that. I'm not even close to forming a relationship. I don't even have close friends. Even the most basic interaction with people is a challenge for me.

We met online and chatted for three weeks and then we met in real life and saw each other every weekend. Then we moved in together within three months and then a year later my mother helped us plan the wedding and she did most of the work. It was very stressful and even NTs can't do it alone so they have wedding planners. I wanted a cheap one but my husband wanted his family there so it turned into a big one of 60 people. The kids just played outside and blew bubbles and ran around. The only thing that was a pain was being forced to stand outside and I was uncomfortable because of my feet and I hated the shoes I had on so I got bitchy and was ordering everyone to hurry with their damn photos so I can get back inside. I also had to keep taking off my glasses which was a pain and being touched a lot. I thought I was going to be hiding upstairs but I survived it and didn't hide. I surprised myself that day.

The internet is a magical place. Seriously, I met my husband through a Yahoo dating site (back when it was free, if that tells you anything). My only other serious relationship was with someone I met at work.
There are plenty of people on the spectrum in marriages or long term relationships if you look around.

These accounts above make me feel really mentally impaired. I can't even hold a conversation with people unless it's with someone who has compassion for outcasts/untouchables.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'd need. To be taken in like a stray mongrel

Last edited by briankelley on 03 Apr 2013, 11:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Mainly the long term one.



More like how did it happen? How did you pull it off? Was it mainly the spouse who made it work?

I know if a woman I really connected with, really pursued it, a marriage would probably work for me. What's always been missing is the connection. And a strong enough desire on my part.

Last edited by briankelley on 03 Apr 2013, 11:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Don't let it get you down. I use the internet as a workaround, because I'm not much better socially.

We met in high school. We got together as a couple in college. We got married after living together for four years. That was more than 25 years ago.

I am utterly loyal. I have also relied on my wife to help me understand the many things that are obscure or difficult for me.

My husband was an outcast and he is disabled and has brain damage and three different learning disabilities. He also doesn't like to be around lot of people. There are only certain people he will be with and it's his family or me and our child.

Your not alone, I'm not very interactive with anyone unless its people in my immediate contacts the majority of whom are relatives but I still have a couple of friends. I actually wonder if I'll ever tie the knot because it sucks the life out of me to be in any kind of relationship, you have to sacrifice work/school in order to fulfill all the needs of your partner. My close friend who has more experience has been in relationships before. When asking him about It he said avoid relationships at all cost to much drama, and its not a two way streak were the other person holds up their side and tries make the relationship work. I told him that I'm not in it for the partnership but to enter fatherhood which oddly enough is my main objective. I might be in the minority of people who are in it for reasons to enter parenthood and not for the sake of being intimate with another person.

I took my Mom's advice (I'm pretty sure she was an Aspie too), and joined certain social groups. She told me to join clubs I was interested in, but to make sure they were groups with lots of the opposite gender! In her case she joined a youth hostelling group and woodwork night classes. She finally met my Dad in a woodcarving class, and they were very happy. As for me, I met my husband in a college Scout group. I thought he was nice, but when he turned up at a science fiction convention too, I knew I finally had the right guy! The trick was to only join clubs I really loved. In a club, I found there wasn't the same pressure to immediately pair off that there can be in a disco. I could get to know people. And I knew they'd also share some obsessions with me!

Well, first of all, although it's a cliche, I wasn't able to get into a good relationship until after (very soon after!) I consciously decided that having no relationship at all was better than having a bad one. Before that I was one of those women who always seemed to end up with abusers, since I thought that was what I deserved, and then I was alone for a while but hadn't had this change of attitude.

Very soon after deciding this I started getting to know one of my online acquaintances (from a forum about one of my special interests) better. I'm not sure whether to call him a very high-functioning aspie or an introverted, sensitive, geeky NT, but he's certainly not an ordinary guy. Back then I didn't know about autism, but I knew I was "weird" and tried to be very honest and straightforward with him about my quirks. We exchanged emails & Skype IDs and started talking every day, just as friends, but we both figured out the other was interested romantically pretty quickly. I'm really not sure how we figured this out: it definitely involved both of us dropping hints, being unsure if we picked up on hints, etc. for a while and was kind of nerve-wracking. We lived very far apart and had a long-distance relationship for a couple years, visiting when we could, until he was able to move to where I lived and we got married. In retrospect it all seems very simple but of course there were misunderstandings, times we weren't sure we could trust each other, times we almost broke up, and I think what played the biggest part in keeping us together was the fact that we always tried to be honest and straightforward with each other; we also did and still do resort to typing rather than speaking to express ourselves when we're muddled/emotional about something (hm, maybe he is a bit autistic after all) and this is still very helpful. Sometimes it is easier to type than to talk (and that is how we started out, typing on a forum).

And yeah, I definitely found one of those rare people who accepts outcasts. That's one of the first things I noticed about him online: how he was kind to the newbies and the unpopular people. It definitely takes a certain sort of person to happily marry someone on the spectrum - one who is both very independent and very patient.

I always dated but I struggled in my relationships, but I didn't know I was an aspie. I met my husband online as well as I see many others met their spouse online. I was playing the fishing game on gaiaonline.com and he entered my game and chat. We found out we shared the same faith and became friends. Soon though he left the game and said I ruined it because I taught him how to get money too easily. I was a little upset. He came back awhile later to see I was with someone else and he got jealous and he gave me his email. We started continuemessaging each other and even though he refused to call me or give me his name, eventually he gave me his number. We had a secret relationship over the phone and eventually he told his mom and they came out one summer a year later and we met. Our relationship was a bit rocky and he had some issues and I later after research found out he had aspergers and klinefelters and his parents didn't know. His mom is a bit aspie too. But i somehow managed to understand and relate to him when no one else could. We continued to see each other each year and talk online or by phone. I was involved in autism awareness communities online and got to be friends with lots of female aspies. A lot of people thought I had aspergers too which I didn't consider but I knew I had aspie traits. My dad is super aspie too. So after I found out female aspies are different from male ones and I bought aspergirls and safety skills for asperger women I finally understood myself. So I think if my husband And I never met we might have never known. Eventually he got officially diagnosed. He would come visit me for a whole month each year for 3 years and this year after a few small breakups and him having problems, he decided he did want to stsy with me and we love each other. We're best friends. We love photography, art, games, animals, and movies. He doesn't judge me or make me feel weird and hr can be himself around me and it just works. So he proposed to me and we got married this year march 23, 2013. We went to the courthouse and got our license together, i called the judges on the phone and picked one, made plans, i got a dress and stuff, he had a suit, my family is crafty so we put together mu tea party reception like I wanted. I didn't want a meltdown so I insisted on hardly any guests. So a few family and one friend came. We got married in my backyard garden and it was really quick and easy and the vows were basic Christian vows. We went inside, signed paperwork and ate cake and took pictures and that's how it's done I guess. Now we can stim together forever I guess lol.

i met my husband in a dance class. he was teaching dances in the Society for Creative Anachronism. i really wanted to learn how to do some of the dances so made myself attend a class. i was incredibly awkward and didn't speak much. he was really nice and encouraging. i kept going back to the class even though i would have panic attacks before i left for it and after i got home. i really wanted to learn the dances and i was really interested in him. he asked me out on a date which led to more dates. we eventually moved in together and then got married. we've been married for 15 years. i tell him that i knew he was special because there is no one else that i would have gone through the anxiety of dating to be with. he really took charge of the dating part and does help facilitate anytime we are in a group situation (he's very skilled socially). we both have our strengths in different areas and help support each other in areas where we aren't as strong. most of the difficulties were with my fighting my anxiety of social interaction and change. early on, i decided that he was special to me and i wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin this.