Have people ever described you as "scary"?

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Getting the "scary" label isn't something you would expect to be rationally applied to somebody with Aspergers (like myself) - but is clearly more of an emotional reaction to what seems "off" about somebody.

I have to say that I got this label a few times in my early to mid-20s, but went away when I got my diagnosis and communications therapy shortly after, and repeatedly practicing "expected" behaviours in a more spontaneous context - wasn't airtight, but improved! In fact you could say that after one too many times of getting the "scary" label, it pressured me to see a re-diagnosis (because in the 90s, they still said that I must have "some form of ADHD" - which was BS).

It strikes me as an ironic label, because of the higher-than-average harassment that we receive. I wouldn't want to torment a genuinely "scary" person that's for sure.

Of course it all makes sense in retrospect, the irregular eye contact, not observing signals that the other person wants to end the discussion, walking quickly with a certain rigid glare, etc, etc..."scary", perhaps, but not threatening. One young lady was at least fair enough to say "Jayo, I don't find you scary, but sometimes you really freak me out."

Has anybody encountered the "scary" label, either directly or second-hand from someone who said "so-and-so thinks you're very scary" and how did you deal with it? Was it before or after your diagnosis (if the former, were you completely mystified??)

I was told I was creepy by a guy I liked, because I stared too long and smiled a lot... It really hurt my feelings. My closest friend has often told me I was intimidating, because I use to wonder why people never approached me. I was just really quiet, but I was also not very expressive these past few years.

nope. I've had people laugh at the mere suggestion I'm at all intimidating. I'm semi-obviously gay, (some people are clueless but I think most people can tell as soon as I open my mouth) which sort of kills the threatening vibe. (unless you're a fundamentalist, in which case I suppose I'm scary?) I've had someone say he was intimidated by my online dating profile once but that's about it.

My nickname in highschool was "Psycho" and yes people were afraid of me, even the bullies, mostly due to false rumors. But, I've never really fit the stereotype of AS.

Yes! I scare people and I'm this tiny little lady,5'2 and 115 pounds. Children run away from me and cry when I greet them. People move away from me on buses. I think it's my strange body language.

Nope. As far as I know people don't interpret my weirdness as scary...A few people have told me that I'm quite approachable -- people often ask me for directions (which I'm not good at giving, unfortunately) and strangers try to talk to me a fair bit.

Scary, no. creepy, all the time. I do nothing to be creepy like saying or doing inappropriate things. In fact, I barely talk at all. Maybe it's my pointy teeth and sunken eyes.

Because most people don't even speak to me, I have no idea what they say about me behind my back. All I know is they think negatively of me. Most likely "creepy", judging from the way they react to me.

I've never been described as scary, except for the extremely rare occasion where I'm extremely angry with someone. I've never once threatened anybody or laid hands on them, I've just been told that I have intimidating mannerisms when I really get angry. Which is very surprising to me. Most of the time, people describe me with words and phrases like safe, non-threatening, passive, gentle etc.

I actually have kind of a phobia / complex about being perceived as scary, and I think I overcompensate for that. Being very tall and male, I really don't want people to avoid me because they're worried about what I might do. The last thing I want to hear is that anybody would think I'm creepy either. I'm really sensitive to all the concern in our culture right now about so many men being stalkers, rapists and harassers, and so I started orienting a lot of my personality around not being associated with anything like that. I'm not either of those things or anything like them, and I felt like it would be beneficial for me to project that... I think I may have overdone it and I regret it now.

I've been told I have spooky eyes.

You know what, ThetaIn3D, I totally get where you are coming from. I too used such overcompensating mechanisms after the "scary" (and creepy) accusations earlier in my youth, and came off as too much of the "nice guy" to women which my male NT friends said was not the right way to go (typical NT rituals - the women want a guy who has some toughness and not afraid to be a man in the more primal sense). Just chalk it up to our AS tendency to see things in black-and-white; and that too many bad "black" experiences make us instinctively convert to the white!! !

Fortunately, towards the end of my 20s through help with well-meaning friends and watching videos online, I was able to find the grey area and practice it with better effect, i.e. being playfully teasing w/o insulting to women, exhibiting more laid-back body language like you don't have limited options with females, etc.

To Rascal77s: I would have to say you were lucky! In hindsight, I've often felt the maxim that "it is better to be feared than loved". At least the a***oles leave you alone and don't leave you more psychological scars than you should have to contend with. Of course, it helps to be a certain size; in my teens I was probably in the 25% percentile of size, which didn't go up to medium size until the end of my teens.

To Daydreamer84: well, that just seems like par for the course; they say that 90% of human communication is nonverbal, but for us it's MUCH less than that. So a lot of people's reactions seem unjustified. Of course they will very rarely tell you that "you're giving off strange vibes" or "you have weird body language" - maybe they will 10% of the time (coincidence? I think not.)

I haven't been called "scary," but I have been called "psycho" before.

I'm fortunate enough that I've never been called either scary or a pyscho, I do notice some students in my school try to pull tricks on me because of my disability, or just starred at me because of my delayed social skills. This is one of the things that makes life living with mental retardation so stressful .

Yes, but only when I was on Zoloft. I got off that f****d up stuff.

Thank you for your response and for being willing to tackle the subject, I think where you are is a good place to be, and I've realized that it's not black and white the way I had mistakenly imagined. It does make sense to me at this point that being a good guy is about being ready and willing to actively do good things, not just not doing bad things. The way I think of it now is that there's a genuine kind of strength in day-to-day restraint, and yet being willing to confront the awful things in this world.

I was just so frustrated when I started hearing all the opinions online that the nice guys were actually worse than the jerks... now I realize, I don't even know if I really was that kind of "nice guy", I just assumed they meant me too because I'd decided that I categorically was not going to be a jerk (all well and good) and was essentially willing to figuratively neuter my personality to achieve that (no.). I do understand what is so insidious though about using "niceness" as a cover for being manipulative.

It's just that I was thinking, I had that response to our cultural situation and changed the way I did for the same reason anyone does: Because they don't want to offend or harm, they don't want to be misperceived and they don't want to be alone. I had no idea it would be perceived that way; maybe because of the way the Aspie traits can distort my understanding. And I want to be the authentic kind of good guy ultimately anyway, not the manipulative kind... of course that takes practice, willpower and dedication. It is just painful to find out that not only were your best intentions and efforts not good enough, but unbeknownst to you, they made you something actually worse than before. I felt so belittled and despised.

In any case, I ought to know who I really am for myself. The twisted world and the manipulators and abusers in it that created this state of affairs can bite my shiny metal

I am so glad it's not just me! I try so hard to be normal, and nice. But I have this reputation of being scary, although I have never worked out why. A lot of Aspies seem to have a default 'blank' look. Mine seems to be 'slightly p***d off' especially when I am concentrating - which is most of the time in public.

And I terrify people if I am genuinely annoyed. Once a guy at work said something to me, and I just gave him my 'annoyed' look (not even angry or anything, just slightly annoyed). Not exaggerating, this guy took about three steps back with a scared look on his face. He was 6'4, built like a tank, and was a bouncer in his spare time. I am 5’4 and 120 pounds. How can I be that scary?